I
wrote out this big long blog full of descriptions to my fun filled
weekend 2 weeks ago. I had every intention on posting it but... life
got in the way and that fun filled weekend enthusiasm just drifted
away.
My
dad was admitted to the hospital. He was very sick and needed a
number of blood transfusions. Thankfully he's ok. My brother and I
flew down to see him last weekend. He had a wonderful surprise when
my little sister (and her ADORABLE) daughter flew up from Puerto Rico
to see him too. So he had his 5 kids and 2 grandchildren there with
him. I met my 2 beautiful little nieces for the first time and I must
say, they sure are perfect. They stole my heart.
Lindseys
1st birthday is in September and I'm going to be flying back down to
spend at least 4 days with everyone. I'm excited and can't wait.
My precious little nieces! Lindsay (8 months old) and
Rubi (13 months old) I love them!!
My dad and his 5 kids.
For a while now I've been keeping to
myself and focusing on everything BUT my social life with my friends.
I have very few friends, and there is a reason for that by the way.
But I went to a party and met some of the most awesome people every
and am open to keeping them as friends. Not just the normal “passer
byer” type friends. You know... just acquaintances. These people
are great. They are open and loving. Expressive, creative and are
tolerant of others and their beliefs. I feel very lucky to have met
them and am so happy to have them in my life.
Brad and I
I
saw my p-doc this week. I expressed to her a number of things I've
had on my mind. I told her about how this month marks one year since
Sean disappeared from my life. She has openly admitted that I'm
traumatized by what happened. That Sean never loved me and that it
was all a lie. My eyes filled up with tears instantly when she said
that. It was as if someone was coming at me with razorblades and
lemon juice. I just sobbed. I hated thinking that I gave someone 100%
of myself and lost 100% of myself while he gave nothing and lost
nothing.
I
told her how guilty I feel about Chris and how I carry this constant
emotional “weight” on my shoulders about all this. I have always
felt like he deserved someone that can and will love him. Not
someone that will always have one foot in and one foot out the door.
I'm totally emotionally unattached. And I wish Chris had the chance
to know me before Sean came and stole it all away.
I
wish Chris was the one getting the best of me. But he never will.
She
said that I will more then likely never love like I loved Sean. That
how I am is how I will always be and that I won't ever care for
someone like I did for him.
God...
I fucking hate him.
So
apparently... this is me. Broken, worthless, abandoned, tossed away,
unloved. It's such a sad realization, feeling like this is as good as
it's gonna get. It's times like this I regret not moving away to
Puerto Rico with my dad when I was 10 like I had the chance to.
I
feel sad and angry at myself. I'm so terrified of caring and being
cared for that all I want to do is be alone. To live and die alone.
I
wish my dad could have the surgery he needs so desperately. I would
fly down and give him half my liver. Knowing I probably wouldn't
survive. At least then my life would have meaning. I would do it and
never think twice.
What
do I have? I have nothing. I'm not married, I have no children. My
father has a wife that loves him deeply and 4 other kids and 2
grandchildren that need him in their lives. That's more important
then I will ever be.
I
better change the subject before my entire shirt becomes tear
stained.
I
recently took in Roman and Dante. Roman is the brother of Niklaus and
Lochlan. Someone didn't want him, so of course he was going to go be
with his brothers.
And
then there's Dante, who looks like a Dante. My baby that is a color I
have never seen before and cute and can be.
Dante
