Dreams to Dream

Last night I had a dream that felt incredibly close to reality. It was the very first dream I have ever had with Sean in it. In my dream I remember feeling so incredibly happy when I saw him. I hugged him and it was as if all my hopes and dreams had come true. I don’t remember much from the dream but I remember I felt that same joy that I did when we would spend time together. That feeling of being complete. Like nothing else mattered outside of that moment. 

Then I woke up and the joy went away. I wanted to cry because it was gone. I tried really hard today to have a good day. I went to the movies and saw “The Vow” that might I add made me want to cry harder. And then the entire weekend that I had just spent around $150 on went to hell. In the snap of the fingers. I try and try and try but nothing I do will ever be good enough. It’s like I constantly need to do more and be more and who I am isn’t good enough. I feel emotionally, mentally and physically drained. Like I have absolutely nothing left to give.

I came home and have yet to eat. I’m incredibly depressed. All I want to do is cry but my head hurts too much and my eyes hurt too. It’s one of those days I wish I was single. One of those days that could have been totally avoided if no one else was in my life. I could pick and choose whose emotional crap I feel like dealing with and what day and what time. I never signed up to get yelled at. I never signed up to have my car suffer for someone’s temper tantrum. I never signed up to be told they wish I was rapped and dead and that I’m a bitch. No one deserves such bi-polar verbal abuse. I’m so much better then this. I deserve to be spoiled with an amazing guy that takes me out and does little things. Someone expressive and loving. Someone hardworking, dedicated and is my equal. In many many ways. 

I deserve all that, but will I ever get it? All arrows point to “in your dreams Lisa”. Exactly. In my dreams. That’s where my true happiness lies. In a place I can never truly be happy. But if having to have a dream means I’m happy for a fraction of a moment, I’ll take it. I’ll take anything that gets me out of this reality filled with so much pain.

Am I more than you bargained for yet?

I’ve been slacking when it comes to blogging. My mind never stops racing, it’s just taking the time out of my busy life to sit and actually put my thoughts into words. Usually it all just flows but I find myself jumbling more and more of my thoughts up into one great big cluster-fuck of thoughts. What else is new.

As I drove home yesterday many thoughts crossed my mind in the 20 minute drive from Naugutuck to Meriden. I thought about how much I have changed. How I’m not this ignorant selfless martyr I once was. How I’ve brought my focus back on myself and MY happiness. I don’t go out of my way for ANYONE. I’m far to busy for that. How I have some sense of stability with having my job. I really want to look for another job. Preferably better pay in another state. But I dunno. My hopes in moving to Alaska is still in me. To move far away from all the bad this place has and start fresh. The only good thing I have in CT I can literally count on 1 hand. (that’s pretty sad). I love it here, but hate what it represents. All the pain and heartache I have endured makes it tough to see any good here.

Another thing I thought about was… Isabella. My heart and soul. The little rat that made each day worth living. She made me smile even on my worst of days. She was my first (rat) love. She made me feel like nothing else mattered outside of her. I would take her to the park, walk with her on my shoulder or in my hood. Talk to her about my day. Take drives with her in her carrier on the passenger seat. Isabella was my girl. And then she died. And along with her passing a piece of my heart went with her. I cried so hard I thought I would never stop. I felt this ache in my chest that made me wonder if I could ever love another rat, person… ANYTHING like I love her. She was my sunshine that made my very existence worth living. 

Sean was my Isabella. And I wonder if I could ever love a person the way I love him. I have no dreams of getting married, no desire to have kids, no hope in including any guy in my future plans. Since his departure my outlook on everything has changed. I don’t include anyone in my plans to travel, I’ll go at it alone. I don’t want to plan a life with anyone because they’ll just leave me. I avoid sharing “happy moments” with anyone so to not look back and miss that person. I was left far more broken and hurt then I think anyone will ever understand. 9.5 months have passed and I still cry. I still wish I had closure I still want my goodbye. I wonder if that number that called me all those months ago was him. I never bothered to call it but I did find out it was a Verizon carrier that lived in Meriden and was a cell phone. 

Recently it was brought to my attention that (apparently) I am a bundle of negativity. I must say this isn’t very accurate but the individual that pointed this out to me has yet to see me at my best (for good reason mind you. Few have earned that right) at the moment my worst is shining at full blast and I’m just fine with that. Mainly because, if you don’t like me at my worst you don’t deserve to see me at my best.

This time last year I was at my best. I was working full time, I was so happy. Looking forward to my trip to Vegas and I loved my boyfriend deeply. We had our weekly sushi night and I couldn’t ask for more. It   was a very simple life but I appreciated it. If someone told me that a year from that point I would be feeling how I’m feeling right now I would have never ever believed them. 

I’m at my lowest. The lowest I have been in around 6 years. I’m heart broken and still very depressed. Most people don’t see the magnitude of my depression, but I cry… a lot. I feel lonely a lot. I wish I could escape nearly every single day. The only thing I have to look forward to right now is seeing my Best friend (Dan) in March. I have nothing else. So right now, that’s what I’m holding onto. To have one day, just one day were no one else matters. Were we can be stupid and be ourselves. After knowing one another for 10 years and not seeing each other for 6 years I’m really excited to spend time with him again. I miss him. 

There is absolutely no way I can dare to bring up Isabella without mentioning Alchemy. 

Many years ago when I first got introduced to rats I heard of a very very rare type of rat called the BEW. (Black eyed white) hard to find where I live. I had spent around 5 years dreaming that I could find such a beautiful looking rat. Soft white fur with black eyes and dumbo ears. Well of course I could never find one. Until one day my friend called me about an Ooops litter a rat she was taking care of had. She said there was a BEW. I doubted her due to their rarity, but when I saw this little 3 week old white itty bitty little boy with big huge dumbo ears and big black eyes it was as if my dream had come true. I was the happiest person alive. I fell so in love with him it’s as if he and I were meant to be together. I was so excited to bring him and his two brothers home. I would visit him throughout the week and he would fall asleep on me or in my hands. I was on cloud 9. I brought him home and noticed his tummy wasn’t normal. I rushed him to the Emergency Vet and found out he had MC (Mega Colon).  There was nothing they could do for him. He was going to die a slow and painful death. I just looked at him and knew what I had to do. Alchemy died in my hands. I again cried until it felt like all I had left to shed was blood. My beloved baby boy that I spent 5 years dreaming of was gone. I would never get to see him grow up. 

I never thought I could love again. I thought that after Isabella my heart would never be able to feel so much love for anything . But it did. That’s why I have faith that one day I might actually love another person again. Even though I never stopped loving Isabella I still managed to fall so in love with Alchemy. 

 RIP To all my loves. We will meet again.

She got it damn right.

I feel hopeless, like nothing can save me.

It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear
You almost feel ashamed
That someone could be that important
That without them, you feel like nothing
No one will ever understand how much it hurts
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you
And when it's over, and it's gone
You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
So that you could have the good.

-        ~  Rihanna. We found love ft. Calvin Harris

Today was one of “those days”. The kind that makes me wish I never even got up out of bed. I really woke up in a foul mood. I finally got up and out at 1pm. Did absolutely none of what I had intended on doing. It was my own fault. I went out and then on my drive home I stopped at the grocery store. The same one Sean and I would frequent. I always have this thought in the back of my mind of “what if”. What if I see him, what if he talks to me, what if he works there, what If… what if… WHAT IF?

I went in and left there feeling like shit. Like that thought just implanted itself in my mind and I couldn’t shake it. I went back to the last time I was happy. It was back in May. I was laying in my bed. He had stayed over the weekend. We spend 3 amazing days together. Laughing, watching movies, cooking together and just enjoying one another. Then, right before he was to leave I started to cry. It was as if something in me said “Cherish this moment, because you will never have it again.” He got really concerned and questioned what was wrong. I told him that this is it. We will never have a weekend like this again. He just laughed it off, kissed me and said “yes we will. I’ll be back on Saturday. I love you.” And with a strong and loving hug he left. I watched him walk away knowing that I will never ever have that happiness back. 3 days later he kicked me out of his life. 

I had so many things I wanted to do with him. Go to NYC, go to Vegas, take little road trips to other nearby states. Move away from CT. I placed all my hopes and dreams in his hands. A mistake I NEVER EVER made in the past. I made sure to never put stock in someone. Believe that they would be there for “the long haul”. I trusted him deeply and thought that this was it. I’m never going to be single again. He convinced me that I could trust and believe that he would be there no matter what.

We were the “perfect” couple. We almost never fought. We talked about everything and anything. Found little dumb things to keep ourselves entertained. Watched movies, played games, talked, drove around. One of the things that seems the dumbest is how badly I wanted to see the fireworks with him. I had never seen fireworks until I was around 26. I thought they were magnificent and so beautiful. They really were nice to watch. I couldn’t wait for the 4^th of July and I would bring it up from time to time. Getting excited and looking forward to it. Only a few months after my all-time favorite yearly experience, The daffodil festival. We went to the daffodil festival. Had a blast. Took tons of pictures I never posted on Facebook or ever printed out. The sight of them hurts to much. 

It’s been over 7 months and the wounds are still there. They feel just as fresh as they did when he walked away. I never knew what a decent relationship was like until Sean. The guys I dated before him were of the poorest quality of “men” I had ever dated in my life. Abusive (physically, emotionally, verbally), controlling, physically and emotionally unavailable. One of my ex’s hated me so much he would avoid my phone calls and text messages. Another ex made sure that I was nothing more than a rebound. I was so used to meaning nothing to everyone that when someone amazing came around that wanted to talk to me, that didn’t abuse me, that loved me and accepted me it was as if my prayers were answered. My soul mate had come to make all those past pains go away and make me happy forever. 

My story didn’t end with a happy ending. It never really even had an ending. It just … stopped. I was thrown away. I should have seen it while we were together. All the signs were there. I wasn’t the first person he so easily “disposed” of. I was one of many and I know I’m not the last.

I always wondered what a “soul mate” was. I had never found anyone that I could connect with on a level as deep as what they say you connect on. I always thought, and still do, that Sean and I were soul mates. I still find myself crying for him. Even at moment when I shouldn’t. It’s like my soul and heart cry out for him. Like they know something is missing. No matter how much I tell myself “he’s gone, move on and let go.” My heart and soul refuse to believe it. They still cry for him. And then I start to.

I feel fortunate to have the people in my life that have been supportive though this nightmarish breakup. One person that I haven’t mentioned is Chris. I started talking to him only a few short months after Sean and I broke up. We’ve been an official couple for nearly a month and I feel this deep sense of guilt. I feel like I was passed onto him with a message of “she’s way to broken, take her and fix her if you want. If not just throw her away.” Sometimes I feel like he’s on a mission to make me better. That he sees this shattered person and he will do anything to fix me. And I feel like I don’t deserve it. So many people passed me up. So many people just tossed me aside. They were to “busy” to date. They “didn’t want” a girlfriend. Or some other crock of shit like that. And then there’s Chris. The only person that really does deserve the best. Some days I feel like I’ll never be my best. Not again. 

Sometimes I wish I could express how sorry I feel that he was handed this broken person that will always be nothing more than “damaged goods”. Someone that won’t love again, someone that refuses to dream past today, someone that hurts more than words could ever fully express. Someone that will never be “good enough.”

I have hope to one day be good enough for me.

I can't wait to end 2011

2011 is coming to an end. I can honestly say this year has been a year filled with happiness beyond explanation. The highest, greatest, most amazing happiness I have ever felt in my life. But it’s also been filled with more heartache, sadness, tears and suffering then ever before. It’s amazing how life can cram so much of two extremes in just the course of 12 months. Only in my life… ONLY in my life.    

There are days I’m filled with regret, then there are days that I reflect upon the months of joy I did have and smile from the memories I was able to create. The feelings of pure joy.

I’m not sure when I’ll fully move on and let go of things. My heart is still pretty broken and my faith in anything or anyone has been shot to hell. 

2012 is going to be my year. I’m going to (hopefully) do more traveling. And continue to meet new people. I want to travel to Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Pennsylvania, New York and if I’m really lucky… finally go to Louisiana. The place I hope to one day move to. Oh! And can’t forget my Vegas.

I’m gonna do more of what makes me happy. I’ve always been the one that cared too much about too many people and it’s gotten me into nothing more then an emotional rutt that I’ve been fighting to claw my way out of for the past 15 months. I’m doing ok… but I got a long way to go.

My gift is my curse. Not many people can relate because not many people carry the “totally self less” characteristic trait. But I am extremely self less. I have sacrificed MY happiness for way to many people, way to many times. I finally took a stand and stopped myself last year and decided that I couldn’t do it anymore. But I’m finding myself falling into that bad habit of giving, giving and GIVING and never getting anything back. Why can’t there be more people like me? 

It still bothers me, and it always has, that there are people that sit and complain about things over and over and over again for a year and instead of being pro-active and trying to fix the situation they just complain. Like complaining will somehow magically fix the problem. Um… no. That’s not gonna help at all. I’m so happy that person no longer is a part of my life. They got booted from my life and I haven’t looked back. I’m pretty sure this person is making everyone around them miserable and annoyed with their issues and lack of desire to actually change things. 

It’s so dreary out. It’s cold, windy and worst of all… raining. Ick… I loathe the rain. 

I can’t wait to leave 2011 behind me. If it was up to me I would erase it from my memory.

If only what they did in Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind could really be done. I would have run to get my memory erased back in May. 

It’s getting late and all I’m doing is rambling. I need sleep.

Night night!