Disappointed

If you're anything like me, and I'm pretty sure NO ONE is, you'll understand were my feelings stem from.

I was super excited for James's party last night. I got new jeans and made sure to pick up a birthday cake for him. I couldn't wait to spend time with my friends and meet some possible new ones. I got there and everything was ok. My friends were there and I was really happy to see them. Then... there were James's friends. I can't say much about them because I don't know them, but from actions and appearance only the words that best described the girls includes: Stuck up, slutty, bitchy, stupid, conceited. And the guys: Jocks, tools, assholes, immature and retarded.

Needless to say, not my cup of tea. 

I ended up totally alone after maybe an hour. James and his friends were inside playing some stupid game thing and his other friends were outside ostracizing me. And my friends were (pretty much) having sex on the deck.

I felt lonely, pissed, annoyed, disappointed, depressed and really stupid. I went inside to get my phone (that was charging) packed my bag and left. I let James know that I was going and why I was leaving. I was so upset I ended up breaking down in tears. I hated his friends. They were the perfect definition of everything I hate in people. They all looked like and acted like they belonged in California surfing in orange county. And the guys looked like they belonged on Jersey shore drinking, fucking girls and smashing beer cans with their heads.

I drove home really upset. A part of me felt like I was at Jonathans party (AGAIN). The only difference is that James cared about how I felt and was genuinely sorry. 

  I felt really mad and disappointed in my friends. I understand you just started dating, I understand you're all about being together 24/7, take shits/pisses/ showers together and pretty much fucking every chance you have. But COME THE FUCK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there is a time and a place for everything. The time and place is at home ALONE. I never realized how much I detested PDA until last night. It made me lose my appetite. Oh... that was another thing, I got there STARVING. I had nothing to eat since 2pm. I got there at 8:30. I was dieing and the moment all that went down I lost all desire to have anything to eat. I got in my car and left at like 10:30pm. I was able to suck it up for 2 hrs but that was 1hr and 59 min longer then I should have. 

I'm supposed to be going to another party that the King and Queen of the fuck club will be attending and due to my o-so HORRIBLE experience last night I'm considering not going. I don't want to get mad and say/do something or ruin things for the other people going.

(Note: It takes very little effort on any persons part to make me not want to do something ever again. Just traumatize me once and you're good to go for the rest of my life.)

So I'm staying home and hanging out with my babies. Playing some xbox and watching TV. Sounds boring, but I welcome it any day of the week in comparison to the hell I endured last night.

I wanted so badly to call Chris and talk to him and have the “hand to hold”. But I didn't. I knew that if I craved my freedom and my single life back (that I FINALLY GOT after 5 months of wanting it) I needed to take the bad with the good.

I'm single now. So that includes all the added (not so good) bonuses of... dealing with things alone.

Yeah... it kinda sucked but I got through it. I just reminded myself that this is what I wanted and I need to stand on my own 2 feet again and I'll get past it.

I'm ok now. Still really disappointed and pissy. But oh well, it's a lesson learned. NEVER GO TO A PARTY UNLESS AT LEAST 5 PEOPLE I KNOW will be there. And neither of those 5 being the 2 that I'm disappointed in. 

I really needed to vent. And I'm so happy I did. I'm gonna go take a nap and reeeelax.

Craziness!!!

It's been a very hectic past few weeks. Between working and keeping up with my crazy social life I can't seem to find time to sit and actually type things out.

Until now. 

Not much to update. Been enjoying my social circle of GREAT friends that I adore. I've seen Dave and his band perform and OMG! They are so amazing! I can't wait to see them on stage again!

This weekend I'm seeing Emma and her band play and then Sunday I'm pretty much doing nothing. (finally). Friday of next week is James's party. (Happy Birthday Hun!) and then it's Movie Trivia night at Brads & Daves (In Newtown) I can't wait. And next Sunday I got a lunch planned with a friend.

The remainder of the month, into next month, involves weekend parties. Apparently... I've become a social butterfly... and I LOVE it!

It's so nice to make friends that are genuine and accepting. It's tough to find people like that, in my age range, now a day. Usually I find people that are some sort of “sheep”. Either they are conforming to suite their partner or their friends. And I do NOT associate with neither.

                                          Brad and I

In September I'm flying to FL and I can't wait to see my little, precious, beloved, adorable niece Lindsey turn... ONE! Omg! She's getting so big. Speaking of... I better go pack up that box I've been meaning to seen for a few weeks now >_< 

                  MY HEART AND SOUL!!! BABY LINDSEY! 

Ok... time to go.

Stay tuned!

More next time!!

I wrote out this big long blog full of descriptions to my fun filled weekend 2 weeks ago. I had every intention on posting it but... life got in the way and that fun filled weekend enthusiasm just drifted away. 

My dad was admitted to the hospital. He was very sick and needed a number of blood transfusions. Thankfully he's ok. My brother and I flew down to see him last weekend. He had a wonderful surprise when my little sister (and her ADORABLE) daughter flew up from Puerto Rico to see him too. So he had his 5 kids and 2 grandchildren there with him. I met my 2 beautiful little nieces for the first time and I must say, they sure are perfect. They stole my heart.

Lindseys 1st birthday is in September and I'm going to be flying back down to spend at least 4 days with everyone. I'm excited and can't wait. 

         My precious little nieces! Lindsay (8 months old) and
         Rubi (13 months old) I love them!!

                          My dad and his 5 kids. 

For a while now I've been keeping to myself and focusing on everything BUT my social life with my friends. I have very few friends, and there is a reason for that by the way. But I went to a party and met some of the most awesome people every and am open to keeping them as friends. Not just the normal “passer byer” type friends. You know... just acquaintances. These people are great. They are open and loving. Expressive, creative and are tolerant of others and their beliefs. I feel very lucky to have met them and am so happy to have them in my life. 

                                Randy, Emma and Me

                                  Brad and I

I saw my p-doc this week. I expressed to her a number of things I've had on my mind. I told her about how this month marks one year since Sean disappeared from my life. She has openly admitted that I'm traumatized by what happened. That Sean never loved me and that it was all a lie. My eyes filled up with tears instantly when she said that. It was as if someone was coming at me with razorblades and lemon juice. I just sobbed. I hated thinking that I gave someone 100% of myself and lost 100% of myself while he gave nothing and lost nothing. 

I told her how guilty I feel about Chris and how I carry this constant emotional “weight” on my shoulders about all this. I have always felt like he deserved someone that can and will love him. Not someone that will always have one foot in and one foot out the door. I'm totally emotionally unattached. And I wish Chris had the chance to know me before Sean came and stole it all away.

I wish Chris was the one getting the best of me. But he never will.

She said that I will more then likely never love like I loved Sean. That how I am is how I will always be and that I won't ever care for someone like I did for him.

God... I fucking hate him.

So apparently... this is me. Broken, worthless, abandoned, tossed away, unloved. It's such a sad realization, feeling like this is as good as it's gonna get. It's times like this I regret not moving away to Puerto Rico with my dad when I was 10 like I had the chance to.

I feel sad and angry at myself. I'm so terrified of caring and being cared for that all I want to do is be alone. To live and die alone.

I wish my dad could have the surgery he needs so desperately. I would fly down and give him half my liver. Knowing I probably wouldn't survive. At least then my life would have meaning. I would do it and never think twice.

What do I have? I have nothing. I'm not married, I have no children. My father has a wife that loves him deeply and 4 other kids and 2 grandchildren that need him in their lives. That's more important then I will ever be.

 I better change the subject before my entire shirt becomes tear stained.

I recently took in Roman and Dante. Roman is the brother of Niklaus and Lochlan. Someone didn't want him, so of course he was going to go be with his brothers.

And then there's Dante, who looks like a Dante. My baby that is a color I have never seen before and cute and can be. 

                                          Dante

 

It's been nearly 1 year...

The end of May marks one year since Sean abruptly left me. It’s been one hell of a year. Filled with lots of heartache and disappointment. I met several guys, went on a few dates and none really panned out. One simple argument, a small slip up and off they went. Quickly proving their true colors. These guys, for the most part, have remained in my life. They are my friends, but after they’re departure I learned they just were NOT dating material. So they neatly filled the “friends only” slot. Along with many other people that made the fatal mistake of calling it quits before seeing the soft side of me.

If people, even my own “family”, knew me… SAW me for who I am not what they think I am they would be shocked as to the person they see before them. I know my “family” see me in the most negative light imaginable. I’m 100% comfortable with that. Mainly because I kicked them out of my life a loooong time ago and haven’t looked back. They brought only negativity into my life and it spread like cancer. And that’s unfair to ME.

I know who I am. I am strong, independent, compassionate, self-sacrificing, loving, loyal, expressive, funny, giving, determined, hardworking, dedicated and many other great things. But with the good traits there is always the bad. I’m mean sometimes, stubborn, strong willed, opinionated, spoiled, arrogant, selfish (when need be). But those are traits I’ve seen in an overabundance of other people so I don’t think they are negative… per say. 

I give a lot to people that, at the time, I feel deserve it. When in reality… they do not.

I remember a time I truly idolized my older half-sister. I had wanted to obtain her approval. But there was never a time she would “grant” me something like that. She was too self-absorbed and also to busy praising god and being as fake to her “family” as she was with her fellow church crazies. I hate right-wing Christians! We should just put them all on an island and bomb it. There’s your fast track ticked to GOD!

I’ve removed people that brought either negativity or just plain nothing into my life. I am undieingly loyal to people that, to be honest, probably don’t deserve it. But I am just far to caring of a person to throw in the towel just because. The number one way a person will automatically be kicked out of my life, totally blindsided btw, is if they bring DRAMA. I am someone that leads a low key and simple life. I work, come home, run errands, spend time with my pets, mom or boyfriend and hang out with friends when possible but that’s about it. No were in there do you see on my lists of things “listen to someone talk endlessly about shit I don’t care about and they are totally unwilling to change/fix”. I don’t like DRAMA! 

The 2 “kinds” of people that I have noticed (first hand) that are filled with drama are 1) Single bitches that have too much time on their hands and 2) gay men. Note: I have NEITHER OF THESE IN MY LIFE.
My single female friends have a lot going on in their lives and I have no gay male friends.

Making the changes to remove these people from my life that caused totally unneeded stress in my life was one of the best choices I made. Along with not talking to my half-sister and father. Those rank up there too. Then again… according to my father I’m wrong, I’m stupid and everything I do is just wrong and I need to sit down, shut up and follow everything he says and does. Yeah…. Not gonna be seeing/talking to him anytime within the next 5 or so years. 

After I got my job, I’m at right now, things took a major turn. I’ve been at my job since October and although it has its ups and downs, like any job, I really do like it. Even when I have to stay late to fix some dumbasses major fuck up.
After I started working at my job I found out the truth about Sean and why he left. That cut me really deep. After a week of denial and saying “it’s not true” I started my journey to let go. It’s taken up until NOW and several dreams for me to see that he really was no good for me. Sean and I had no future. All we had was a season of memories I won’t soon forget. The greatest memories I’ll probably ever have. I found someone that I truly, deeply loved and would have done absolutely anything for. And like many others he let me go. That just means he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve someone like me. 

Sean will never admit he’s wrong, so he may never come groveling back to me, but I know in my heart that a part of him, no matter how small it may be, deeply regrets what happened. Every single guy does. I have yet to date someone that doesn’t want a second chance with me. Some may realized it after a month or so and others after a year or two but they realize it and that’s when it set in that having someone that would spoil them, be undyingly loyal and is capable of cooking, cleaning and being a dream come true was let go and slipped through their fingers.

I love knowing that someone wants me back. They never get that 2^nd chance because it’s all lifes way of saying a great big “FUCK YOU” to them. Hahahahah! 

A short, quick update.

I’ve typed up a few “blogs” in the past 2 weeks or so but I never finish them so I decided to just start from scratch.

Things have been busy for me. Work keeps me busy from Mon-Fri. Then the weekends are designated to spending with Chris. So it’s tough to fit anyone else in my crazy life.  I do feel bad for my friends that I don’t get to talk to or see on a more often basis. But I’m mentally and emotionally drained by the time I get out of work that all I wanna do is have down time… alone. 

This week I’ve had to clean up THREE different peoples mess. They screwed up on the accounts and I’ve had to redo appointments and make phone calls and fill out paperwork and it’s just been one great bit mess time and time again. I brought up the worst one to my supervisor, that so happens to hate me, but I did it anyway. 

Besides the craziness I have some actual… GOOD NEWS!
I finally got a new(er) car!!! It’s a 2010 Elantra. I named him Shrubby. I’m totally in love and enfatuated with this car. The first thing I did was get XM radio and I must say… I like it :D haven’t gone back to the normal crap on the radio.

After tomorrow I’ll be off of work for 10 days. My mom is having knee surgery so I’m taking time off of work to take care of her. I don’t want anything to happen to her.

Well, I’m 29. One year closer to the big 3-0. It’s not that big of a deal. I try and think of the things I’ve avoided in my life instead of focusing on the things I havn’t achieved.
For example: I never got married, divorced OR have kids. 

All 3 things that I’m happy I never did before 30. Some people actually want these things at a young age, I am NOT one of those people.

What I have wanted I have done. I have traveled a LOT. I have partied a LOT. I have met amazing people and I have removed bad ones from my life. I can’t complain.

My 29^th birthday was simple yet nice. It was just my brother, mom and Chris.

Lately I’ve been doing 2 things I don’t do often. I’ve started playing Silent Hill: Downpour. OMG that game scares the hell of me. I LOVE IT!!!! And I’ve been reading. I’m reading the 3^rd book of the Sookie Stackhouse series.  It’s getting really good. I read it at work during down time. I’ve gotten damn far in the past 2 days ago.

I’m up to 19 fuzz butts. Names: Cameron, Emo, Redd, ZigZag, Monroe, Avalon, Hadley, Finch, Rown, Rio, Niklaus, Lochlan, Krinkle, Olive Garden, Rowdy, Lelah, Denver, Sophie-Anne & Squirmy

I must announce that my 2^nd favorite time of year is creeping up (1^st being Halloween) DAFFODIL FESTIVAL!!! I can’t wait. I’m so excited to get more frogs :D

It's getting late. I want to finish up chapter 6 of the book then I'm gonna head to bed. 

Night!! 

Truth be told... I'm kind of a bitch.

Ok… it’s more like “I’m a total bitch.” And I’m 100% a-ok with that. I like being who I am. If I was anyone else I would be fake and lord knows I’m against any fakeness. I had a friend that was extremely fake. Where did that leave her? She didn’t know who she was and no one wanted her. I would rather be single and know who I am then with someone and be totally unsure of myself. 

I haven’t posted much recently. I haven’t had anything new to say. Just the same old blah blah blah. All I do is work, go home, go to bed and go back to work. It’s pretty much the same old same old. But I’m a creature of habit so this makes my life all that much easier. Keeps my anxiety at bay. 

I deleted several “friends” (42 to be exact) from my FB list. I did it because these are people I don’t see OR talk to nor do I have any desire to do so. Some of the people are from my past. When I was a teen and had these foolish dreams that the 4 of us (a group of 4 friends) would one day buy a house and live in harmony. Well … that went to hell in a hand basket. One came out of the closet and only wanted to associate with other gay individuals, like being straight was suddenly a BAD thing. The other got into, and still is into, hard drugs and started (knowingly) spreading a deadly STD and the last one became insanely and psychotically obsessed with a guy that drove her to pretty much insanity. 

Then there is me. The one that just wanted to not be part of the “in crowed”. Infact, I did everything to never be part of all that drama. I’m too low key and drama free for all that. I lead a simple life. Party free, drug free, alcohol free, drama free life. It’s simple and yes… BORING but I’m happy this way. 

I’ve been discriminated and rejected by some of the people I thought would never hurt me. Including my own father. 

Speaking of… my father. Heh… the one person that seems to haunt my memories. Since I have such few to reference to it seems sad to even think of him as ever being a part of my life. I don’t remember much of him being around. I remember 18 years of missed Christmas’s and missed birthdays though. And the fact that he never comes to see me. He goes and sees my half sister (his favorite) but not once comes to see my brother and I. It’s as if just because we’re adults he has the right to check out of our lives. Yeah well… he checked out when we were just children. 

Your dad is supposed to be the first male you love. The first male to make you feel safe and secure and loved. To accept you through thick and thin. To listen and support you.  I never had that. All I know about guys is what I’ve experienced. The losers, liars, lazy, good for nothing ass holes. I don’t remember ever feeling safe and happy. And the one and only time I did it left.

I used to dream of a day that I see my “family” and my friends in one place. All surrounding me. And I would be so happy because I would have all the important people in my life there. But my “family” is gone and my friends have taken their place. I depend more on my friends then I ever would on my “family”.

I remember I actually wanted to get married and have kids. Yup. I actually wanted to pro-create. I had this great big, amazing, successful, happy family planned out. All for me. And it was going to be perfect. And then it went away. When he walked away, he took my dreams, goals and hopes along with him. 

I don’t dream anymore. Or have goals beyond RIGHT NOW. I don’t want to get married and I most certainly do NOT want to have kids. I would never want another person to suffer like I have.

Right now, it’s all day by day. I live day by day. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I always hope it’s just a tiny bit better then today. 

Slowly things are getting better for me. And I hope that they continue to improve. After struggling for 5 years, sacrificing EVERYTHING, I’m FINALLY getting some stability back in my life. I have yearned to have stability for so long that it hurts. 

If I’m really lucky I can move out and get the kitty I want so so badly. Have my own small apartment, just my pets and me. Work to survive I suppose. That’s what I want. To eventually get to a point that I can live alone and be happy. 

Like I said, I don’t want to get married or have kids. That involves another person being in the picture and lord knows that’s the last thing I need OR want. I’m a loner, a home body by nature. I’m quiet and a deep thinker. To some people this seems far from what they have seen of me, if they only knew how I am, not what I show them.