Would you give me a reason to believe

I came to a realization about Andy last night. He went through what I'm going through.
It's so complicated and an emotion and mind frame that most people won't understand.

He and I started seeing one another around 3-4 yrs ago. He would make plans with me and then
ALWAYS back out. He followed through twice. I didn't want to give up on him, but after 7 months I was left with no other choice but to walk away. So I gave up and left.
I stopped talking to him and forgot all about him. After Sean broke it off with me he came back around, wanting a second chance. And me being me said NO. I strung him along for a while to see if his feelings were legit. After 1.5 years why the hell would anyone want to stir things back up?
I finally admitted I wanted nothing to do with him again in a "romantic" dating sense. We can be (distant) friends but beyond that his chance of anything were gone. I only give people one chance and that's it.  He admitted he messed up. He dated other girls after seeing me and they were no good.
Well, OBVIOUSLY! no one can beat how amazing of a girlfriend I am. It wasn't enough. I'm not going to fall for THAT. So we remained in contact. Texted every few months.

After Chris and I broke up he came back around. Shocker. Some people just won't give up.
The thing is, I deeply cared for him. I wanted to be with him so badly but he just wasn't feeling it, wanting it... whatever. I agreed that we can hang out. We got along amazingly well and I was actually happy with him that's why i stuck around for as long as I did. Probably a really stupid idea but I learned from THAT experience. Never wait for someone. Let go and move on. If they come back around then fine, if not it wasn't meant to be.
He came back around.

My recent issue involves me totally pulling away from everyone. I make plans and then back out. I reach out to only 2 people (Jenn & Sarah). and only talk to and hang out with those two. Anyone else I'll make impulse plans with and then back out all of a sudden. My anxiety, that seems to be getting worse, takes over and I don't follow through with the plans. I deleted my Facebook account because I want to keep away from the world THAT badly. I don't want to know about anyone and I don't want anyone to know about me. Out of sight out of mind. That's pretty much how I've lived my life for the past 8 years. It does wonders to avoid attachment to people. I haven't gotten attached to anyone in over a year.

I made plans to see a friend today. The thought of hanging out makes me really anxious. I don't want to talk with anyone. I don't even talk on the phone. I just text. I avoid verbal conversations at any cost. At least with text messages I can avoid people if I so choose to. I start seeing a new therapist on Friday. I hope this helps. This is going to be the 4th therapist I see in the last year. He seems like a nice guy. I also go to the doctor on 7/20. I hope to get an inhaler for my asthma and see what's going on with my knee so I can go back to the gym. I can give myself something to do instead of being
stuck at home doing nothing.
I've become quite a homebody. I love being home and staying in bed and just watching episodes of Switched at Birth. That show is SOOOO good! I'm addicted. 
Besides that, i do nothing. I don't even have the willpower to clean. I do the minimum. Clean clothes, take a shower, feed the rats, change their water. But that's it. -sigh-

I'm going to the eye doctor tomorrow. I NEED new glasses really badly.  There is also a Pet Fair from 11am-2pm. I may take a couple of my babies out to the park. On Sunday there is a Psychic Fair in Southington. I love that stuff! So I'm thinking I'll pop in and see if there are any good psychics over there. I really need to get my cards read (again). The last time I had them read EVERY SINGLE THING ended up happening. Other then one part that won't ever happen, I'll make sure of it.

Andy invited me to go up to spend the night Monday into Tuesday. I've put thought into it but I can't. Not until I get all this other stuff figured out I just can't. I want to see him. And we've made plans to get together, but I'M the one that backs out now or doesn't reach out to him to make sure things are set in stone. Geeee... how the tables have turned.

(Note: THIS is the greatest way to kiss. I loved this upside-down kiss when I first had it.)
I'm afraid to see him. To have him near me again. To kiss him and never want to let go. We were SO happy together. At least I thought so. But he wasn't ready then and I'm not ready now and it's stupid. How two people can want to be together but can't seem to make it work out. I wanted nothing more but to be with him 3 years ago and he wants to be with me now and I don't think I'm ever going to want to be with anyone. At least not in a reasonable amount of time.
I remember kissing him. I remember everything. I remember the smallest detail and I hate it. I hate it because I don't want to. I want to lock those memories away and never EVER think of them. Being with Andy was the only other time I was happy. Andy and Sean. Those are the only two people that have ever made me truly and deeply happy. I forgot all about how happy I was with Andy because I spent so much time trying to forget until finally I had.

  (Note: Guys with tattoos turn me on like crazy. A guys with tattoos AND piercings is even better!)

Run Away

I feel like I'm at odds with myself when it comes to several things.

There are days I miss the affection and general interaction with a guy. More specifically, a
boyfriend. Even when I was with Chris I emotionally checked out at least 3 months into the
relationship. I had no desire to be with ANYONE. But I stuck around trying my hardest to
actually care about another person.
Chris made me "happy" only 5% of the time. The other 95% of the time I was stressed and worried
and wanting out of the relationship. It's hard when you're the ONLY person driving, paying for
stuff and having to carry all this burden while the other person sits back and does nothing.

He complained about not being able to find a job. That's funny, my friend found a job in 1 week
after his unemployment ran up. I have a sinking feeling Chris just didn't want to work as much
as he said he did, if at all.
I feel a LOT of anger and resentment towards Chris. More then I'm sure anyone can understand.
I'm mad because he knew how miserable I was. He knew how badly I wanted to leave him, he KNEW how much better off I was alone but he wouldn't let up. He held on with both hands KNOWING damn well it was the wrong thing to do. He was being selfish and inconsiderate. I feel hurt, angry and used.

I would rather live and die alone then be with someone that cares so little about the other
person that they would rather see that person suffer and be stressed out ALL the time then to
say "ok, just go. I know you're not happy." that's not a good person, boyfriend OR friend.
He's tried reaching out to me but I have nothing nice to say to him so why would I talk to him?
I hope he finally gets it through his thick skull that I want him out of my life. He's the first
boyfriend I have ever had to care so little about me and my happiness that I don't want to talk
to him. Every other guy i ever dated (besides Sean) I ended it with them on ok terms. I explained
the situation, we talked and that was that. They didn't hold on, try to talk me out of it, beg
for another chance. They accepted it and let go. That's why I was and still am ok with them.
Chris on the other hand fought me every time I brought it up.

I think that's why I don't hate Sean. Because as much as he hurt me, he did the right thing
for BOTH of us. The choice of HOW he broke up with me really sucks but WHY he broke up with me is what really shows his colors. yeah he did lie about the stupidest things and he did break
my heart in a billion little pieces, but he did the right thing. He wasn't ready for the life
I wanted and was hopeing to have with him. So he let me go. I would have done the same for someon
I loved. Even if it meant walking away forever.

I've thought a lot about this. And as much as I don't want to admit it to myself OR anyone else
IF sean came back into the picture and wanted a second chance i would be VERY cautious and weary
but I would love to be with him again. I would give anything to feel even a fraction of happiness
that I felt over a year ago.
Right now I've hit rock bottom in multiple ways. I'm totally alone in the friend department (I
have a total of 2 close friends that have their own lives to lead.) I go to work and keep to
myself. Work is not for socializing. It's for WORKING.
I am single and am pretty much leaning more and more towards a FWB relationship over anything
else. I have nothing to offer anyone. I'm emotiionally unavailable and have no desire to be
romantically involved with anyone. I have embraced the single life in one way but I have also
shunned it in another.

I've disabbled my Facebook and a total of ONE person has noticed. It took 3 days for one person
to notice. None of my other "friends" have taken notice that I'm MIA. Go figure.
So due to lack of interaction I'm going to be posting more and more on here. I have no one to
talk to. I feel totally alone and just want to keep away from as many people as possible. If
I do go out I pick and choose WHO i'm willing to see. It sucks but right now my trust in
humanity is non-existant.

September I'm flying out to see my dad and family in Miami. I have at least THAT to look
forward to. And then in December my mom and I are going to Atlantic City. And in January
I'm going back to FL and then in March. I want to spend my 30th Birthday with my dad. I
have nothing up here.

I'm up for the let down

Not much good news to report. After numerous disappointments I've decided to branch away from the majority of people I know. Not so much the close friends I have (that consist of 2 people) but everyone else.

It seems like no matter how hard I try to accept humans for the walking mistakes that they are I can't seem to get it through my head. I find myself getting more and more impatient with others errors and walking away before things get worse. After all... I like to ALWAYS play it safe. Avoid situations were I get hurt. 

I knew the time would come were the fun stopped, the social gatherings would dwindle and my “friends” would become a memory.

Sure enough... it happened. I didn't think it would be so soon, but it did. I enjoyed it to the fullest while it lasted. It was real. Even if it was for a few short weeks, in my heart, it was real.

I no longer talk to the people I called my friends. For multiple reasons. I think we just grew apart. I felt like the 3^rd wheel on several occasions and to spare others the “weird” feeling I decided to just leave well enough alone and walk away.

I thought one particular person was on my side but I was wrong (again). This person walked out of my life, with out an explanation or warning (geee... this is what Sean and many others have done to me) and stole a gift that was given to me. I have repeatedly asked for it back but no reply. That's what hurts the most. Not getting something I loaned to someone back. I could care less if I ever see the person again, I'm used to people not sticking around. It's the fact that a gift that was given to ME by someone I love deeply was stolen. And I need that back. 

There are other things that have occurred that makes me happy I'm just keeping to myself. I don't need certain types of people in my life. And it seems as if the worst kind of people are the ones I seem to attract. Lucky me.

The dating world also has had it's disappointments. I seem to ALWAYS attract the bums. It's as if “god” has a special kind of plan set out for me. Don't only take in animals people don't want but also take in people NOBODY wants. I did not sign up for this shit! 

As much as a part of me kind of misses having someone a bigger part of me is happy I don't. I see what a relationship does to people and I can't imagine making others feel the way I've been made to feel. I've shut down emotionally to keep myself from suffering. I don't ever want to be made to feel as worthless, as small, as insignificant, as unloved, as unappreciated, as forgotten and as used as I've been made to feel. The right thing for me is to be alone. Others would argue that it's not “normal” or “right”. Well to be fair I'm not normal or right. So it all makes sense. 

Even with knowing all that I still get lonely. I look at my phone trying to see if there's one person I could reach out to and finding out there isn't just makes me really disappointed.

I've given up on people (for the most part) but I refuse to give up on myself. 

 

Short Update...

This is gonna be a short update.

Had a crazy (yet really good) week. Monday & Tuesday I ran some (much needed) errands after work. Wednesday I went down to Orange and saw Kim, Felicia and Dave. It was GREAT seeing them. Watching them sing Karaoke was pretty cool too. Even if I didn't feel up to participating.

Thursday I came home and did cleaning and relaxing. Then Friday I went shopping for baby Tiffanies birthday today. She's turning 3! :D

I finally made it home and did stuff around the house and turned in early.

Today I got to see Randy and the boys that I love love LOOOOVE soo much! Ian has to stop growing! He's got teeth... TEETH! The last time I saw him he wasn't walking. Now he is. Still has the pudgy legs though.

And then Baby Tiffanies birthday is at 2pm.

Then I got a date!

OMG!!! yup a date. I'm so excited and actually pretty nervous too. I'll post tomorrow how it goes ;)~

I was supposed to have a date for tomorrow but I backed out after finding out he's a smoker. NO, I did not know that before hand. I don't date smokers. If they want to ruin their lives, have at it, but I won't watch someone kill themselves.

Ok enough of the rambling. Gonna end this post.

Later!

Being single... and loving it!

An update before I head out and about tonight.

I've rejoined the single world. One would think I would be sad or feel depressed. HELL TO THE NO! I feel like jumping for joy. Even going to work has been made easier. Emotionally I'm in a better place and mentally I'm far more calm. 

I'm so happy I did what was best for ME. I haven't felt this happy and optimistic... ever. Never in my life have I embraced my single life like I do now. I feel like a better, more positive person.

My social calendar is still filling up. Plans for tonight, tomorrow, all of Saturday and all of Sunday. Then the following week/end is filling up too. Gotta love it!

Realistically, I'm in no state of getting into a relationship. Right now dating is probably the only thing I would be willing to do (unless someone gives me the vagina tingles). Then SLOOOOOOOWLY ease into a relationship.

Something I'm notorious for NOT doing. I'm so fucking impulsive I even jump into a relationship with out thinking it out fully. (that's what lead me to so many failed relationships in the past).

Between last year and this year I've learned a lot. A lot about myself and the things I want and need. 

I'm super excited about things going on for me. I won't “spill the beans” just yet but I'm just really happy. :)

It feels great. And I know I deserve it. 

I hope that Chris will find happiness in his life. I can't remain in communication with him due to my fear of something happening. The final conversation I had with him had me fearing for my life. I'm saving and documenting any communication he attempts with me. If I need to get the police involved I have absolutely no problem doing so. I swear, I attract all the crazies. 

                    My new addiction... SKRILLEX!!!! 

Disappointed

If you're anything like me, and I'm pretty sure NO ONE is, you'll understand were my feelings stem from.

I was super excited for James's party last night. I got new jeans and made sure to pick up a birthday cake for him. I couldn't wait to spend time with my friends and meet some possible new ones. I got there and everything was ok. My friends were there and I was really happy to see them. Then... there were James's friends. I can't say much about them because I don't know them, but from actions and appearance only the words that best described the girls includes: Stuck up, slutty, bitchy, stupid, conceited. And the guys: Jocks, tools, assholes, immature and retarded.

Needless to say, not my cup of tea. 

I ended up totally alone after maybe an hour. James and his friends were inside playing some stupid game thing and his other friends were outside ostracizing me. And my friends were (pretty much) having sex on the deck.

I felt lonely, pissed, annoyed, disappointed, depressed and really stupid. I went inside to get my phone (that was charging) packed my bag and left. I let James know that I was going and why I was leaving. I was so upset I ended up breaking down in tears. I hated his friends. They were the perfect definition of everything I hate in people. They all looked like and acted like they belonged in California surfing in orange county. And the guys looked like they belonged on Jersey shore drinking, fucking girls and smashing beer cans with their heads.

I drove home really upset. A part of me felt like I was at Jonathans party (AGAIN). The only difference is that James cared about how I felt and was genuinely sorry. 

  I felt really mad and disappointed in my friends. I understand you just started dating, I understand you're all about being together 24/7, take shits/pisses/ showers together and pretty much fucking every chance you have. But COME THE FUCK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there is a time and a place for everything. The time and place is at home ALONE. I never realized how much I detested PDA until last night. It made me lose my appetite. Oh... that was another thing, I got there STARVING. I had nothing to eat since 2pm. I got there at 8:30. I was dieing and the moment all that went down I lost all desire to have anything to eat. I got in my car and left at like 10:30pm. I was able to suck it up for 2 hrs but that was 1hr and 59 min longer then I should have. 

I'm supposed to be going to another party that the King and Queen of the fuck club will be attending and due to my o-so HORRIBLE experience last night I'm considering not going. I don't want to get mad and say/do something or ruin things for the other people going.

(Note: It takes very little effort on any persons part to make me not want to do something ever again. Just traumatize me once and you're good to go for the rest of my life.)

So I'm staying home and hanging out with my babies. Playing some xbox and watching TV. Sounds boring, but I welcome it any day of the week in comparison to the hell I endured last night.

I wanted so badly to call Chris and talk to him and have the “hand to hold”. But I didn't. I knew that if I craved my freedom and my single life back (that I FINALLY GOT after 5 months of wanting it) I needed to take the bad with the good.

I'm single now. So that includes all the added (not so good) bonuses of... dealing with things alone.

Yeah... it kinda sucked but I got through it. I just reminded myself that this is what I wanted and I need to stand on my own 2 feet again and I'll get past it.

I'm ok now. Still really disappointed and pissy. But oh well, it's a lesson learned. NEVER GO TO A PARTY UNLESS AT LEAST 5 PEOPLE I KNOW will be there. And neither of those 5 being the 2 that I'm disappointed in. 

I really needed to vent. And I'm so happy I did. I'm gonna go take a nap and reeeelax.

Craziness!!!

It's been a very hectic past few weeks. Between working and keeping up with my crazy social life I can't seem to find time to sit and actually type things out.

Until now. 

Not much to update. Been enjoying my social circle of GREAT friends that I adore. I've seen Dave and his band perform and OMG! They are so amazing! I can't wait to see them on stage again!

This weekend I'm seeing Emma and her band play and then Sunday I'm pretty much doing nothing. (finally). Friday of next week is James's party. (Happy Birthday Hun!) and then it's Movie Trivia night at Brads & Daves (In Newtown) I can't wait. And next Sunday I got a lunch planned with a friend.

The remainder of the month, into next month, involves weekend parties. Apparently... I've become a social butterfly... and I LOVE it!

It's so nice to make friends that are genuine and accepting. It's tough to find people like that, in my age range, now a day. Usually I find people that are some sort of “sheep”. Either they are conforming to suite their partner or their friends. And I do NOT associate with neither.

                                          Brad and I

In September I'm flying to FL and I can't wait to see my little, precious, beloved, adorable niece Lindsey turn... ONE! Omg! She's getting so big. Speaking of... I better go pack up that box I've been meaning to seen for a few weeks now >_< 

                  MY HEART AND SOUL!!! BABY LINDSEY! 

Ok... time to go.

Stay tuned!

More next time!!