More work & less play

My computer is still out of service so I'm typing this on a tiny little netbook named Whitey that is really semi-shitty but in need of some TLC.

Anyway, so updates updates updates... let me start with the new job. I started working in a location in North Haven (that shall remain nameless because people are nosy and what I do and do not do is no ones business. If you are supposed to know I would tell you, clearly you are not supposed to know. ) So I started last week and LOVE it. Got 4 week of training then I'm on my own. The training (on the computer) is supposed to take like 1.5 weeks. I started and finished in 4 days. There are 3 other people in my class and they are nowhere near as close to finishing. I'm a VERY fast learner and pick up on anything and everything. My perceptive skills are coming in useful once again. I found out the department they want to put me in. It's one of the harder areas were they never put people straight out of training into. But ME being ME have all the qualifications for it. Muahahahah! I take great pride in my skills. So, I'm eager to finally get out there.

Besides all that I have 4 little fuzz butts on their way to me as of the 1^st week of NOVEMBER!!! I can't wait! 2 girls and 2 boys. The girls are Noomi and Clementine. The boys I'm still torn on names but I'm leaning towards Monroe and Avalon. I am PRAYING that at least 2 are Patchworks. Callisto was a Patchwork and he was one of the greatest rats I have ever owned. 

Halloween is right around the corner and I'm so excited. Not sure on a custom yet so that kinda sucks :( but I'm excited because Halloween is my all time favorite holiday. Then is THANKSGIVING! And that means another Thanksgiving party! Wooo hooo! Last years was a total and complete blast and I know this year will be just as amazing.

The dating world. Been getting asked out a lot. Been turning each and every date request down. I'm just not interested in dating anyone. I want to be alone. I really am not up for getting hurt any more then I already have this year. Next year is another year and maybe by then I will be open to giving dating another chance but right now I just want to focus on me, my job, my pets and my friends. I don't need that worry about putting time into someone that will end up leaving me anyway. I would much rather be alone then set my hopes up so high only to be left disappointed.

Nothing else to report. Been keeping myself busy. Can't wait for this weekend!

Everyone have a great Halloween! 

 

Closure

This morning I went grocery shopping with my mother. I was walking around and that's when I saw Joe. Seans step-father. I ran up to him and gave him a hug. I was so happy to see him. I knew this conversation wouldn't end on a high note. But I asked about him and his wife. How they are doing. Then I asked about Sean. He explained to me that it was nothing I did. That Sean just isn't ready for the type of commitment it requires to be in a long term relationship. Sean isn't a 1 woman kinda guy. He needs to just date and not be tied down. I was his longest relationship. And he (Joe) is shocked that Sean lasted as long as he did with me. He said that Sean really did love me, but he's still only a kid. Sean never talks about me. Hes now focusing on work and just finished school. I ended up breaking down in tears a few times.

I finally got the closure I needed. I really needed to hear all that. Now I can take the information and move on. I still don't want to be with anyone. I just want to be alone. I feel like no one will ever be able to fill that void I still have in my heart. If anyone wants to be with me they will have an uphill battle ahead of them. And let's face it, no guy is willing to “fight” to be with anyone. All men want things the easy way. So that pretty much means I'm good to go in the alone department.

Fix a heart

My new meds didn't work. It really fucked me up. My P-Doc said that I need to get off of it and just take my regular med and work through my depression. The meds I've been on help a LOT but I still have my down days. Mostly when I think about everything. Or when I talk about it. I find myself getting really emotional and crying.

As much as I hate being alone sometimes, I know it's all for the best. Each day I know I'm getting one step closer to being ok. Yesterday I actually wondered what happiness felt like. I don't remember what it feels like. Very few people have been witness to me being “happy”. Between the months of January and April of this year were the happiest. I put so much stock in him. My future revolved around him. I thought I would never be with out him. Only to find out that he had no problem throwing our relationship away, along with me.

I'm terrified of getting involved with another person. Apparently I'm easy to throw away. I've been proven that time and time again. My own “family”, old friends and ex's find it incredibly easy to just walk away. The friends I have at the moment have proven themselves time and time again. I feel lucky to have only 2 family members, 3 best friends and 3 close friends to count on. That's it, 8 people. Many other people that have come in and out of my life were pretty much just “passer byes” I knew they wouldn't stay. So I, knowingly, invested nothing in them. What's the point? A bit of time here and there. Then when they walk away I feel like I haven't lost anything. It's the “safe” road. After everything I've endured I feel like being safe isn't only the right thing, but also the best thing for me.

I wish I knew when I will be ok again. When, if ever, I'll be ready to let someone in again. I don't see that happening for an extremely long time. But for some unknown reason guys keep asking me out. I have the boring one that I can't stand talking to. I keep making up excuses to not go out with him. The gay one that's really nice and I like talking to but am CONVINCED is gay. I'm not being anyones beard! And then the guy that's to busy to commit.

The next time one of them calls me I'm gonna tell them I'm emotionally unavailable. I seriously need to focus on myself.

Maybe next Christmas I'll have someone worth spending the holidays with.

What I would do if I won $1M & $5k for life!!

So recently I've seen tons and tons of commercials for Publishers clearing house. This go around it's 1 Million dollars and $5,000 a week for life. It got me thinking. What would I do if I won. I like to think about random crap sometimes. Especially when I'm going to bed, It helps me fall asleep. So I came up with a few things. They are in NO SPECIFIC ORDER. I wouldn't expect to be able to do everything right away. Just over time I guess.

1) Rebuild my car. Make it brand new. I'm emotionally attached to that car and want to keep it forever if I had the resources.

2) Buy 3 cars. A Smart car (his name will be Marty). A Fiat 500 (his name will be Tumor) and a 2000 Hyundai Tiburon. (his name will be Tibby). I have LOVED this model since I first laid eyes on it.

3)Buy a house for me, my pets, my cars.

4) Go on an Alaskan cruise with my mom, brother and 3 best friends (Jenn, Sarah & Dan).

 5) Make sure that the above listed people are taken care of.

6) Go clothes shopping.

7) Go shopping for my pets.

8) Adopt 3 cats that are in the most need of a home. (the old, sick and unwanted ones)

9) Take Jenn & Dan to Glee Live and meet the cast.

10) Go on a road trip to Maine and FINALLY see a Moose.

 11) Decorate my house with all Moose stuff.

I can honestly say that's the most I would do. With the rest of the money I would open up an animal shelter strictly for small animals. Oh! I would also make sure and change my name. I wouldn't want anyone I don't talk to trying to find me and beg for money. I'm mean enough to say no, but I don't want to risk the lives of my pets due to the mentally unstable.
All I need now is to actually HAVE the money. LOL!

One can only dream :)

Changes

Like I posted on my facebook, after 3 years of not eating meat I've decided to VERY SLOWLY go through the transition of going back to eating meat. It's something I've put a lot of thought into. At least months of on again and off again thinking. I don't crave it at all and wish it didn't have to come down to this decision but right now... I don't have a choice.

After the other night I knew I had to do something. I started to sweat like crazy. It was one of the coldest nights of the week. I couldn't seem to cool down. My hands started to shake so hard I couldn't control them. My breathing began to race. I started to get really dizzy when all of a sudden I blacked out. I didn't wake up until the next morning. I think my protein, blood pressure and sugar was very low. I had to thinking quick about what I had that day. I had not 1 trace of protein. Not an egg, not cheese, no fish. Nothing. I was so scared that I could have been in the car or out in public. Luckily the 4 times this has happened to me I was at home. So today I made the horrible decision to actually stop being a Vegetarian. Just 1 month shy of my 3 year mark. 

I feel like such a failure. Like I'm forfeiting all my beliefs. I love animals. They make me so happy. And the thought of one suffering for ME makes me so sad. All I can do is eat the “right” kind of meat. I know what I'm looking for so I'm not going to sit here and list it all but the transition I know won't be easy.

I will mostly be living meat free. If I have a choice of Sushi or Chicken I will pick the shrimp tempura roll any day of the week. I gotta admit I have missed the yummy Spanish cooked chicken I once loved and enjoyed. Thankfully my mom made my favorite today, baked chicken breast with white rice. I first looked at it and thought “I can't do this” then I reminded myself that this isn't forever, I can go back to being Veg whenever I want to. So I ate it. I honestly gotta say I really, really... REALLY missed that taste. But it's not something that I can't live without. I went 3 years with out it and I'm still alive and well. It just tastes really good with rice. I won't make a habit out of it though. 

Besides all that the only thing I gotta report on is October 7^th. This date has kept me on my toes for months. Thinking that after that date I'm going to get “the” text or “the” phone call. But nothing. And oddly enough, the day came and went and I didn't think twice about it. Didn't noticed it passed until the day after.

Since I wrote that very angry (unsent) letter to... “him”... I feel better. I mean a lot better. I let myself be angry, FEEL angry, express my anger. Something I've kept locked away for months. I never got closure and I had to create a ending to that chapter in my life.

I like to think that, he was a lesson I had to learn. He helped me see that I can be happy, that I can love and let someone in, that you don't need everything to have something. Sometimes you just need that one person that makes you feel at home, that can be your best friend while still being your lover. He made me a better person. 

I have faith that there is some amazing person out there. Someone that is strong, like me. Someone that will make me happy and won't give up. Someone that is compassionate, loyal, honest and giving. I dunno if I'll ever find this person but I know they're out there. I refuse to give up.

Pictures

I'm in the mood to write. I know that none of this will be in any sort of order, it's gonna be more like a giant cluster-fuck of miscellaneous thoughts. So... if you are reading this... brace yourself.

So I was rummaging through some old pictures. I found some of one of my birthdays. I'm assuming it was when I was probably 20 or so. I felt instantly very sad. I guess that year I had my birthday at my older half sisters house. I quickly put them away. But that sadness has stayed with me. It makes me think about all the birthdays, holidays and other important moments my “family” has missed. I'll never understand why everyone left. I stopped caring years ago. But there are times, very far and few in between, were I do question it.

I wonder if they knew all they were throwing away and the people that would be left behind and the effects it would have. Apparently not. I mean, I've brought a specific subject up to a couple people and they have said the very same thing. I brought up how my “family” have commented on how I've changed and how different I am and how I'm not the same person as who I was when they left. Well NO SHIT! You moved away when I was 11 years old! Last I checked you are not the same person at 28 as you were as a child. I have endured things in my life they will never know. I have done things they have missed out on. In reality they are more strangers to me then “family”. All they know about me is what I have told them and what they have seen. That's it. They don't know who I am or what I have endured to be were I am at. I made the decision to cut them out of my life. There are reasons that I won't bother posting on here, but I do have my reasons. 

 Today, right here right now I'm feeling really sad, really lonely and really hurt. I'm not going to name names but only one person knows what I am talking about. And that's only because I sent them a text about it. I feel like someone I really care about is kinda just living there lives and forgetting that I so much as exist. The phone calls have stopped and the text messages are very far and few in between. I'm almost afraid to text them because I'm convinced I'm going to bother them. So, like I told my friend, I'm gonna do what I do best, and that's keep to myself. If someone wants to see/talk to/hang out with me they have my number. But I absolutely refuse to reach out. 

 Tomorrow I'm due to work 13 hours straight. I'm not looking forward to it AT ALL. But lord knows I need to save up money for black Friday shopping, bus trip in December and Christmas shopping. I wonder who's going Black Friday shopping with us this year. Hmmm.... Last year was really fun. Crazy.... yet fun.

I still really wanna try to go to NYC in October.

Ooooo... October!!! It's almost that time of year again! Pumpkins and hoodies and cold cold fall nights. OMG I can't wait! I have always hated the summer heat and humidity but this summer seemed to have dragged on and on. It felt like it would never end. I wish it was October weather all year round.

The movie 50/50 is coming out tomorrow. I'm thinking I may need to go check it out on $5 JewsDay.

Nexxus died. That brings my fuzz butt count to 17. I'm starting to get really numb to them dieing. I love my rats, don't get me wrong. I've gotten to a point were I accept that they are going to die and there is nothing I can do but love them and give them the best life possible for as long as I have them. R.I.P you needy, loving, vocal, clingy momma's boy. I love you.

Next weekend I am determined to go to Lyman Orchards and buy apples! I'm gonna go and get some and make an apple pie. And I'm gonna enjoy the hell out of it. Nom Nom Nom Nom!

 Today I was thinking about what has recently changed about me. I've noticed something has and I'm pretty sure no one has noticed it but I have. I really noticed it right now. As I'm typing this out. What has changed about me you wonder, Something pretty big actually. It's my social interaction. Now, I'm a pretty social person (to an extent because I only associate with certain people) I like to include people and be included. I am no longer including people (ANYONE) in any plans I make. I don't make plans to go anywhere or do anything with anyone, at least very rarely. I don't plan on going to the movies with anyone or going to pick the apples with anyone. I just plan on going alone. It's easier that way. I don't set myself up for the disappointment of the “oh hey... I'm not going.” I would rather just do things alone then be told “I can't make it” or even worse, have that person not even have the common courtesy to so much as call/text. I've always had a nasty habit of putting far to much stock into people when to be honest, no one is worth it.

So, I'm gonna keep planning things alone and keep doing them alone.

I hope next week is better then this week. It should be, it'll be October!

1 year to the month

So it's been a year, to the month, since things really changed for me. I had so much happening last year all at once that no one ever knew about. I'm one of the few people that keeps my pain to myself. I like to kinda just deal with things by writing it out. I hate rambling about the same situation over and over again like talking will fix the problem. It doesn't. All it does is serve as a reminder. 

 I decided that I needed to pull away from all the things that brought me to my lowest point. I removed people from my life that I do not, in any way shape OR form regret removing. I with drew and pretty much had to relearn certain things. Like how to put MY needs first. I've been doing that and letting other people just deal with their issues on their own. I have a nasty tendency of caring WAY to much about other people. I can't imaging living the way I was last year. 

This past year has been filled with ups and downs. I found out what true happiness felt like, pure loneliness and pain beyond explanation. Normally these are things no one would want to endure. But I'm not like most people. I'll take the good with the bad any day. If I sheltered myself and avoided all sorts of pain what would I learn? Nothing. You can't gain anything if you're not willing to lose something. I have faith that I will be happy again. That I'll find that someone that makes everything I've endured worth the pain. I know that what I've gone through isn't more then I can handle. I'm the strongest person I know. Well... besides my mom that is.

Some key things I've learned:

What goes up, must come down.

I have 2 family members in my life. My mother and my brother. Every other “family” member is either dead or dead in my eyes (this excludes extended family like my cousins/uncles etc.)

I can count my best friends on one hand.

I can count my close friends on my other hand.

My pets will die. No matter how much I tell them to live forever.

Pumpkin Coffee is the legal form of crack.

The greatest thing is waking up snuggled up close to someone you care about.

The rain still sucks.

Snow is NOT the devil, but when it snows a LOT if sure feels like hell.

I still really don't like parties. Unless it's being thrown at my house. :)

Hugs & kisses are the best remedy for a super crappy day.

 October is nearly here and I can't wait for all the things that follow. I'm excited and happy. I feel really optimistic that this time next year I'll be better off then I am right now. I refuse to give up. Things will be better. I'm gonna have a great Halloween, a great Thanksgiving and a merry Christmas. Oh! And another wonderful New years. :) 

(oh and btw... I've been officially single for 4 months. Just wanted to throw that out there.) 

Current song that describes my mood: