I feel hopeless, like nothing can save me.

It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear
You almost feel ashamed
That someone could be that important
That without them, you feel like nothing
No one will ever understand how much it hurts
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you
And when it's over, and it's gone
You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
So that you could have the good.

-        ~  Rihanna. We found love ft. Calvin Harris

Today was one of “those days”. The kind that makes me wish I never even got up out of bed. I really woke up in a foul mood. I finally got up and out at 1pm. Did absolutely none of what I had intended on doing. It was my own fault. I went out and then on my drive home I stopped at the grocery store. The same one Sean and I would frequent. I always have this thought in the back of my mind of “what if”. What if I see him, what if he talks to me, what if he works there, what If… what if… WHAT IF?

I went in and left there feeling like shit. Like that thought just implanted itself in my mind and I couldn’t shake it. I went back to the last time I was happy. It was back in May. I was laying in my bed. He had stayed over the weekend. We spend 3 amazing days together. Laughing, watching movies, cooking together and just enjoying one another. Then, right before he was to leave I started to cry. It was as if something in me said “Cherish this moment, because you will never have it again.” He got really concerned and questioned what was wrong. I told him that this is it. We will never have a weekend like this again. He just laughed it off, kissed me and said “yes we will. I’ll be back on Saturday. I love you.” And with a strong and loving hug he left. I watched him walk away knowing that I will never ever have that happiness back. 3 days later he kicked me out of his life. 

I had so many things I wanted to do with him. Go to NYC, go to Vegas, take little road trips to other nearby states. Move away from CT. I placed all my hopes and dreams in his hands. A mistake I NEVER EVER made in the past. I made sure to never put stock in someone. Believe that they would be there for “the long haul”. I trusted him deeply and thought that this was it. I’m never going to be single again. He convinced me that I could trust and believe that he would be there no matter what.

We were the “perfect” couple. We almost never fought. We talked about everything and anything. Found little dumb things to keep ourselves entertained. Watched movies, played games, talked, drove around. One of the things that seems the dumbest is how badly I wanted to see the fireworks with him. I had never seen fireworks until I was around 26. I thought they were magnificent and so beautiful. They really were nice to watch. I couldn’t wait for the 4^th of July and I would bring it up from time to time. Getting excited and looking forward to it. Only a few months after my all-time favorite yearly experience, The daffodil festival. We went to the daffodil festival. Had a blast. Took tons of pictures I never posted on Facebook or ever printed out. The sight of them hurts to much. 

It’s been over 7 months and the wounds are still there. They feel just as fresh as they did when he walked away. I never knew what a decent relationship was like until Sean. The guys I dated before him were of the poorest quality of “men” I had ever dated in my life. Abusive (physically, emotionally, verbally), controlling, physically and emotionally unavailable. One of my ex’s hated me so much he would avoid my phone calls and text messages. Another ex made sure that I was nothing more than a rebound. I was so used to meaning nothing to everyone that when someone amazing came around that wanted to talk to me, that didn’t abuse me, that loved me and accepted me it was as if my prayers were answered. My soul mate had come to make all those past pains go away and make me happy forever. 

My story didn’t end with a happy ending. It never really even had an ending. It just … stopped. I was thrown away. I should have seen it while we were together. All the signs were there. I wasn’t the first person he so easily “disposed” of. I was one of many and I know I’m not the last.

I always wondered what a “soul mate” was. I had never found anyone that I could connect with on a level as deep as what they say you connect on. I always thought, and still do, that Sean and I were soul mates. I still find myself crying for him. Even at moment when I shouldn’t. It’s like my soul and heart cry out for him. Like they know something is missing. No matter how much I tell myself “he’s gone, move on and let go.” My heart and soul refuse to believe it. They still cry for him. And then I start to.

I feel fortunate to have the people in my life that have been supportive though this nightmarish breakup. One person that I haven’t mentioned is Chris. I started talking to him only a few short months after Sean and I broke up. We’ve been an official couple for nearly a month and I feel this deep sense of guilt. I feel like I was passed onto him with a message of “she’s way to broken, take her and fix her if you want. If not just throw her away.” Sometimes I feel like he’s on a mission to make me better. That he sees this shattered person and he will do anything to fix me. And I feel like I don’t deserve it. So many people passed me up. So many people just tossed me aside. They were to “busy” to date. They “didn’t want” a girlfriend. Or some other crock of shit like that. And then there’s Chris. The only person that really does deserve the best. Some days I feel like I’ll never be my best. Not again. 

Sometimes I wish I could express how sorry I feel that he was handed this broken person that will always be nothing more than “damaged goods”. Someone that won’t love again, someone that refuses to dream past today, someone that hurts more than words could ever fully express. Someone that will never be “good enough.”

I have hope to one day be good enough for me.

I can't wait to end 2011

2011 is coming to an end. I can honestly say this year has been a year filled with happiness beyond explanation. The highest, greatest, most amazing happiness I have ever felt in my life. But it’s also been filled with more heartache, sadness, tears and suffering then ever before. It’s amazing how life can cram so much of two extremes in just the course of 12 months. Only in my life… ONLY in my life.    

There are days I’m filled with regret, then there are days that I reflect upon the months of joy I did have and smile from the memories I was able to create. The feelings of pure joy.

I’m not sure when I’ll fully move on and let go of things. My heart is still pretty broken and my faith in anything or anyone has been shot to hell. 

2012 is going to be my year. I’m going to (hopefully) do more traveling. And continue to meet new people. I want to travel to Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Pennsylvania, New York and if I’m really lucky… finally go to Louisiana. The place I hope to one day move to. Oh! And can’t forget my Vegas.

I’m gonna do more of what makes me happy. I’ve always been the one that cared too much about too many people and it’s gotten me into nothing more then an emotional rutt that I’ve been fighting to claw my way out of for the past 15 months. I’m doing ok… but I got a long way to go.

My gift is my curse. Not many people can relate because not many people carry the “totally self less” characteristic trait. But I am extremely self less. I have sacrificed MY happiness for way to many people, way to many times. I finally took a stand and stopped myself last year and decided that I couldn’t do it anymore. But I’m finding myself falling into that bad habit of giving, giving and GIVING and never getting anything back. Why can’t there be more people like me? 

It still bothers me, and it always has, that there are people that sit and complain about things over and over and over again for a year and instead of being pro-active and trying to fix the situation they just complain. Like complaining will somehow magically fix the problem. Um… no. That’s not gonna help at all. I’m so happy that person no longer is a part of my life. They got booted from my life and I haven’t looked back. I’m pretty sure this person is making everyone around them miserable and annoyed with their issues and lack of desire to actually change things. 

It’s so dreary out. It’s cold, windy and worst of all… raining. Ick… I loathe the rain. 

I can’t wait to leave 2011 behind me. If it was up to me I would erase it from my memory.

If only what they did in Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind could really be done. I would have run to get my memory erased back in May. 

It’s getting late and all I’m doing is rambling. I need sleep.

Night night!

Thnks fr th Mmrs

 ***I wrote some of this ON Thanksgiving BTW***

It's tough for me to sit here and just type away all the crap that's running through my mind. The past week has been nothing more then a blur. I have millions of things going on in my head and (as always) can't seem to focus on just one thing (damn you ADD!)
I'm gonna start with the obvious and go from there.

It's Thanksgiving! woo hoo! A day to celebrate and give thanks. This year I have so much to give thanks for. More then any other time in the past. I celebrated a pre-Thanksgiving party this past Sunday and had the most amazing people over sharing in the festivities. I wish I could thank each and every person that came, the way I would like to, but it's tough because even I can't put the way I feel and the amount of appreciation I sense into words.

So, I'm just going to go into story mode and maybe that will explain things a little better.
Many years ago (18 years, to be exact) my family moved away. After that no holiday or birthday was ever the same. I became very bitter and dreaded the holidays. I never looked forward to hearing about others joyous times with their family because I didn't have one. My "family" was gone. Far far away. In places that I could only travel to see one or 2 times a year, if I'm lucky. So the lonely, sad, depressing holidays came and went. Celebrated with just my mom and brother. A far cry from all the people that once surrounded me. I spent the last 18 years yearning for that feeling I once had. That sense of happiness that no amount of money could give me. That "family" feeling. And this past Sunday I looked around and was surrounded by my friends, my brothers friends and my mom. I had my family. This is my family. The one I hand picked. The people that mattered were here with me. I felt complete again. I felt happy and overjoyed.

People say that your mom, dad, brother, sister blah blah blah. Is your family. I beg to differ. My family are my friends. They are the people that I love with every fiber in my body and would gladly lay my life on the line for. They are the ones that know me right NOW. Not the 10 year old little girl that was left behind. They have seen me grow and become who I am today. Face my demons and come out a better person.

I would never trade what I have now for the "family" that moved away. Those people are strangers to me. They know nothing about me. They are just people from my past that I once knew. I have a whole new appreciation for my friends. They are who have proven themselves time and time again. I would be lost with out them. I could never give enough thanks to those that shared in making this past Thanksgiving memorable for me.
What I have now are pictures and memories to look back on. Something I will cherish until the day I die.

Besides the amazingly wonderful thanksgiving I had there are other things to report on. More personal things. Mostly stuff I think about but rarely ever mention.
It's been 6 months since things ended. I have more recently (as in the past 2 months or so) have really tried to push myself to let go and move on. I know I've made progress. I can see it and feel it. But there are days that I still feel really empty. Really sad and deeply miss him. I'm not sure if it's "him" I miss or the feeling of having someone there. Either way I miss it.
I've noticed a change in myself that shocks me. I've never been hurt to the point of being incapable of showing affection and being loving and vocal about it.... until now.

My dating life has not suffered whatsoever. But it's anything beyond just dating/messing around that scares the shit out of me. It's actually the thought of being with someone long term that sends me running for the hills. Have I really gotten to the point of being afraid of commitment? That's just not me. I've never EVER been afraid of it. I've always embraced it. I know some absolutely amazing guys that are worthy of nothing but the best. I feel like I'm so far from the best that even a cheating, drug addicted, alcoholic, obnoxious, bitch is better then me. Ok... maybe not "better" but more worthy. I guess in the dating department I've hit and emotional rock bottom and I need to figure out how to get out of it. Right now, I'm pretty much incapable of loving someone and totally unworthy of being loved.

I hope 2012 brings me good things. I hope it brings me the happiness I've been seeking. But this time, it doesn't snatch it away.

The Fray always knows how to put how I feel into words.

Ok... here's an update

I haven't updated this thing in a while. I always intend to but get side tracked.

There isn't much to report. Work seems to consume at least 70% of my life right now. I don't mind the stability though. I haven't had it in so  long so I have a whole new appreciation for it. It's tough to keep my social life going, but I make sure to keep in touch with my close friends.

Yesterday as I drove home I realized that I've finally accepted my "single" life. I can't really explain it. I've reached a point were I don't care. I'm not guarded at all when it comes to dating. In fact I'm very open and honest. I guess it's that I know that not everyone sticks around and that the ones that do are actually worth investing time, emotion and energy into. But the majority of people have a tendency of just coming and going as they please. The people that "come and go" will forever stay in the friend zone. They are totally unworthy of dating if they see it fit to check in every 2 months at their leisure. Those are the people that would check out of a relationship with out even batting an eye lash. I know A LOT of guys like this.

I think I need to actually be friends with someone before going ahead and dating them. Not like BEST FRIENDS, but you know someone that I hang out with, talk to regularly and actually trust. Not people that I make out with and have pay for shit. Nah, those are people that I would put under the "throw away category".

Yes, I have my own fucked up way of thinking.

I'm not interested in any (ONE) person right now. I know a lot of people, but none of them know me. It kinda sucks and it makes me feel lonely sometimes. There are days that I wish I had someone I could actually depend on. Not someone that is a "sheep" and follows what their friend does as an example. Or someone that judges me and tells me to change personality traits just because they don't like it. Or someone that is too busy trying to impress his "best friend" and fix up her fucked up life just because he's "that type of friend".

These are people that need help finding out who they are before trying to be with someone. Obviously they haven't accepted themselves so there is no way they can accept another person.

I hate people pleasers.

I guess personal growth comes with time and experience. I can say I know I'm far more advanced in that department then the majority of people I know. I see a lot of people trying to prove themselves, to be what everyone else wants them to be. Or what they think everyone else wants them to be. If there is anything I have learned in my 28 years of life, never ever ever EVER do something for someone else that won't make you happy in the end. Take it from someone that uprooted their life to please a "family" that never even loved them. A "family" that saw it fit to move away and not even give a shit about the aftereffects.

Thankfully I kicked them all out of my life and am FINALLY happy. I do things only to please myself and I don't regret it at all. The last 5 years have been about my happiness. I think a lot of people can learn from me.

Ok well enough about my amazing self :D I'm gonna quickly ramble about Thanksgiving. I'm excited about it but not as much as I expected to be. We're having it this Sunday to avoid having to deal with all the crap of people seeing their family on Thursday. So it's a Thanksgiving before Thanksgiving... I guess you can say. I can't wait to see everyone.
The following week I'm going to Atlantic City! I can't wait to go!!! I'm not going to be a fool and bring stuff home for people. I'm going to go and spend the money I save up all on me! me! me! meeee!!!

Christmas is coming and thankfully I'll be single (I PLAN ON IT!) so that's like $300 I can put towards something else (like something for ME!) I have a tendency of going all out on someone I'm with. That is a very bad idea. I don't recommend it. People... don't go all out on someone until they go all out on YOU. :D

Ok... I better end this. I need to go to work. Until next time....

More work & less play

My computer is still out of service so I'm typing this on a tiny little netbook named Whitey that is really semi-shitty but in need of some TLC.

Anyway, so updates updates updates... let me start with the new job. I started working in a location in North Haven (that shall remain nameless because people are nosy and what I do and do not do is no ones business. If you are supposed to know I would tell you, clearly you are not supposed to know. ) So I started last week and LOVE it. Got 4 week of training then I'm on my own. The training (on the computer) is supposed to take like 1.5 weeks. I started and finished in 4 days. There are 3 other people in my class and they are nowhere near as close to finishing. I'm a VERY fast learner and pick up on anything and everything. My perceptive skills are coming in useful once again. I found out the department they want to put me in. It's one of the harder areas were they never put people straight out of training into. But ME being ME have all the qualifications for it. Muahahahah! I take great pride in my skills. So, I'm eager to finally get out there.

Besides all that I have 4 little fuzz butts on their way to me as of the 1^st week of NOVEMBER!!! I can't wait! 2 girls and 2 boys. The girls are Noomi and Clementine. The boys I'm still torn on names but I'm leaning towards Monroe and Avalon. I am PRAYING that at least 2 are Patchworks. Callisto was a Patchwork and he was one of the greatest rats I have ever owned. 

Halloween is right around the corner and I'm so excited. Not sure on a custom yet so that kinda sucks :( but I'm excited because Halloween is my all time favorite holiday. Then is THANKSGIVING! And that means another Thanksgiving party! Wooo hooo! Last years was a total and complete blast and I know this year will be just as amazing.

The dating world. Been getting asked out a lot. Been turning each and every date request down. I'm just not interested in dating anyone. I want to be alone. I really am not up for getting hurt any more then I already have this year. Next year is another year and maybe by then I will be open to giving dating another chance but right now I just want to focus on me, my job, my pets and my friends. I don't need that worry about putting time into someone that will end up leaving me anyway. I would much rather be alone then set my hopes up so high only to be left disappointed.

Nothing else to report. Been keeping myself busy. Can't wait for this weekend!

Everyone have a great Halloween! 

 

Closure

This morning I went grocery shopping with my mother. I was walking around and that's when I saw Joe. Seans step-father. I ran up to him and gave him a hug. I was so happy to see him. I knew this conversation wouldn't end on a high note. But I asked about him and his wife. How they are doing. Then I asked about Sean. He explained to me that it was nothing I did. That Sean just isn't ready for the type of commitment it requires to be in a long term relationship. Sean isn't a 1 woman kinda guy. He needs to just date and not be tied down. I was his longest relationship. And he (Joe) is shocked that Sean lasted as long as he did with me. He said that Sean really did love me, but he's still only a kid. Sean never talks about me. Hes now focusing on work and just finished school. I ended up breaking down in tears a few times.

I finally got the closure I needed. I really needed to hear all that. Now I can take the information and move on. I still don't want to be with anyone. I just want to be alone. I feel like no one will ever be able to fill that void I still have in my heart. If anyone wants to be with me they will have an uphill battle ahead of them. And let's face it, no guy is willing to “fight” to be with anyone. All men want things the easy way. So that pretty much means I'm good to go in the alone department.

Fix a heart

My new meds didn't work. It really fucked me up. My P-Doc said that I need to get off of it and just take my regular med and work through my depression. The meds I've been on help a LOT but I still have my down days. Mostly when I think about everything. Or when I talk about it. I find myself getting really emotional and crying.

As much as I hate being alone sometimes, I know it's all for the best. Each day I know I'm getting one step closer to being ok. Yesterday I actually wondered what happiness felt like. I don't remember what it feels like. Very few people have been witness to me being “happy”. Between the months of January and April of this year were the happiest. I put so much stock in him. My future revolved around him. I thought I would never be with out him. Only to find out that he had no problem throwing our relationship away, along with me.

I'm terrified of getting involved with another person. Apparently I'm easy to throw away. I've been proven that time and time again. My own “family”, old friends and ex's find it incredibly easy to just walk away. The friends I have at the moment have proven themselves time and time again. I feel lucky to have only 2 family members, 3 best friends and 3 close friends to count on. That's it, 8 people. Many other people that have come in and out of my life were pretty much just “passer byes” I knew they wouldn't stay. So I, knowingly, invested nothing in them. What's the point? A bit of time here and there. Then when they walk away I feel like I haven't lost anything. It's the “safe” road. After everything I've endured I feel like being safe isn't only the right thing, but also the best thing for me.

I wish I knew when I will be ok again. When, if ever, I'll be ready to let someone in again. I don't see that happening for an extremely long time. But for some unknown reason guys keep asking me out. I have the boring one that I can't stand talking to. I keep making up excuses to not go out with him. The gay one that's really nice and I like talking to but am CONVINCED is gay. I'm not being anyones beard! And then the guy that's to busy to commit.

The next time one of them calls me I'm gonna tell them I'm emotionally unavailable. I seriously need to focus on myself.

Maybe next Christmas I'll have someone worth spending the holidays with.