It's been nearly 1 year...

The end of May marks one year since Sean abruptly left me. It’s been one hell of a year. Filled with lots of heartache and disappointment. I met several guys, went on a few dates and none really panned out. One simple argument, a small slip up and off they went. Quickly proving their true colors. These guys, for the most part, have remained in my life. They are my friends, but after they’re departure I learned they just were NOT dating material. So they neatly filled the “friends only” slot. Along with many other people that made the fatal mistake of calling it quits before seeing the soft side of me.

If people, even my own “family”, knew me… SAW me for who I am not what they think I am they would be shocked as to the person they see before them. I know my “family” see me in the most negative light imaginable. I’m 100% comfortable with that. Mainly because I kicked them out of my life a loooong time ago and haven’t looked back. They brought only negativity into my life and it spread like cancer. And that’s unfair to ME.

I know who I am. I am strong, independent, compassionate, self-sacrificing, loving, loyal, expressive, funny, giving, determined, hardworking, dedicated and many other great things. But with the good traits there is always the bad. I’m mean sometimes, stubborn, strong willed, opinionated, spoiled, arrogant, selfish (when need be). But those are traits I’ve seen in an overabundance of other people so I don’t think they are negative… per say. 

I give a lot to people that, at the time, I feel deserve it. When in reality… they do not.

I remember a time I truly idolized my older half-sister. I had wanted to obtain her approval. But there was never a time she would “grant” me something like that. She was too self-absorbed and also to busy praising god and being as fake to her “family” as she was with her fellow church crazies. I hate right-wing Christians! We should just put them all on an island and bomb it. There’s your fast track ticked to GOD!

I’ve removed people that brought either negativity or just plain nothing into my life. I am undieingly loyal to people that, to be honest, probably don’t deserve it. But I am just far to caring of a person to throw in the towel just because. The number one way a person will automatically be kicked out of my life, totally blindsided btw, is if they bring DRAMA. I am someone that leads a low key and simple life. I work, come home, run errands, spend time with my pets, mom or boyfriend and hang out with friends when possible but that’s about it. No were in there do you see on my lists of things “listen to someone talk endlessly about shit I don’t care about and they are totally unwilling to change/fix”. I don’t like DRAMA! 

The 2 “kinds” of people that I have noticed (first hand) that are filled with drama are 1) Single bitches that have too much time on their hands and 2) gay men. Note: I have NEITHER OF THESE IN MY LIFE.
My single female friends have a lot going on in their lives and I have no gay male friends.

Making the changes to remove these people from my life that caused totally unneeded stress in my life was one of the best choices I made. Along with not talking to my half-sister and father. Those rank up there too. Then again… according to my father I’m wrong, I’m stupid and everything I do is just wrong and I need to sit down, shut up and follow everything he says and does. Yeah…. Not gonna be seeing/talking to him anytime within the next 5 or so years. 

After I got my job, I’m at right now, things took a major turn. I’ve been at my job since October and although it has its ups and downs, like any job, I really do like it. Even when I have to stay late to fix some dumbasses major fuck up.
After I started working at my job I found out the truth about Sean and why he left. That cut me really deep. After a week of denial and saying “it’s not true” I started my journey to let go. It’s taken up until NOW and several dreams for me to see that he really was no good for me. Sean and I had no future. All we had was a season of memories I won’t soon forget. The greatest memories I’ll probably ever have. I found someone that I truly, deeply loved and would have done absolutely anything for. And like many others he let me go. That just means he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve someone like me. 

Sean will never admit he’s wrong, so he may never come groveling back to me, but I know in my heart that a part of him, no matter how small it may be, deeply regrets what happened. Every single guy does. I have yet to date someone that doesn’t want a second chance with me. Some may realized it after a month or so and others after a year or two but they realize it and that’s when it set in that having someone that would spoil them, be undyingly loyal and is capable of cooking, cleaning and being a dream come true was let go and slipped through their fingers.

I love knowing that someone wants me back. They never get that 2^nd chance because it’s all lifes way of saying a great big “FUCK YOU” to them. Hahahahah! 

A short, quick update.

I’ve typed up a few “blogs” in the past 2 weeks or so but I never finish them so I decided to just start from scratch.

Things have been busy for me. Work keeps me busy from Mon-Fri. Then the weekends are designated to spending with Chris. So it’s tough to fit anyone else in my crazy life.  I do feel bad for my friends that I don’t get to talk to or see on a more often basis. But I’m mentally and emotionally drained by the time I get out of work that all I wanna do is have down time… alone. 

This week I’ve had to clean up THREE different peoples mess. They screwed up on the accounts and I’ve had to redo appointments and make phone calls and fill out paperwork and it’s just been one great bit mess time and time again. I brought up the worst one to my supervisor, that so happens to hate me, but I did it anyway. 

Besides the craziness I have some actual… GOOD NEWS!
I finally got a new(er) car!!! It’s a 2010 Elantra. I named him Shrubby. I’m totally in love and enfatuated with this car. The first thing I did was get XM radio and I must say… I like it :D haven’t gone back to the normal crap on the radio.

After tomorrow I’ll be off of work for 10 days. My mom is having knee surgery so I’m taking time off of work to take care of her. I don’t want anything to happen to her.

Well, I’m 29. One year closer to the big 3-0. It’s not that big of a deal. I try and think of the things I’ve avoided in my life instead of focusing on the things I havn’t achieved.
For example: I never got married, divorced OR have kids. 

All 3 things that I’m happy I never did before 30. Some people actually want these things at a young age, I am NOT one of those people.

What I have wanted I have done. I have traveled a LOT. I have partied a LOT. I have met amazing people and I have removed bad ones from my life. I can’t complain.

My 29^th birthday was simple yet nice. It was just my brother, mom and Chris.

Lately I’ve been doing 2 things I don’t do often. I’ve started playing Silent Hill: Downpour. OMG that game scares the hell of me. I LOVE IT!!!! And I’ve been reading. I’m reading the 3^rd book of the Sookie Stackhouse series.  It’s getting really good. I read it at work during down time. I’ve gotten damn far in the past 2 days ago.

I’m up to 19 fuzz butts. Names: Cameron, Emo, Redd, ZigZag, Monroe, Avalon, Hadley, Finch, Rown, Rio, Niklaus, Lochlan, Krinkle, Olive Garden, Rowdy, Lelah, Denver, Sophie-Anne & Squirmy

I must announce that my 2^nd favorite time of year is creeping up (1^st being Halloween) DAFFODIL FESTIVAL!!! I can’t wait. I’m so excited to get more frogs :D

It's getting late. I want to finish up chapter 6 of the book then I'm gonna head to bed. 

Night!! 

Truth be told... I'm kind of a bitch.

Ok… it’s more like “I’m a total bitch.” And I’m 100% a-ok with that. I like being who I am. If I was anyone else I would be fake and lord knows I’m against any fakeness. I had a friend that was extremely fake. Where did that leave her? She didn’t know who she was and no one wanted her. I would rather be single and know who I am then with someone and be totally unsure of myself. 

I haven’t posted much recently. I haven’t had anything new to say. Just the same old blah blah blah. All I do is work, go home, go to bed and go back to work. It’s pretty much the same old same old. But I’m a creature of habit so this makes my life all that much easier. Keeps my anxiety at bay. 

I deleted several “friends” (42 to be exact) from my FB list. I did it because these are people I don’t see OR talk to nor do I have any desire to do so. Some of the people are from my past. When I was a teen and had these foolish dreams that the 4 of us (a group of 4 friends) would one day buy a house and live in harmony. Well … that went to hell in a hand basket. One came out of the closet and only wanted to associate with other gay individuals, like being straight was suddenly a BAD thing. The other got into, and still is into, hard drugs and started (knowingly) spreading a deadly STD and the last one became insanely and psychotically obsessed with a guy that drove her to pretty much insanity. 

Then there is me. The one that just wanted to not be part of the “in crowed”. Infact, I did everything to never be part of all that drama. I’m too low key and drama free for all that. I lead a simple life. Party free, drug free, alcohol free, drama free life. It’s simple and yes… BORING but I’m happy this way. 

I’ve been discriminated and rejected by some of the people I thought would never hurt me. Including my own father. 

Speaking of… my father. Heh… the one person that seems to haunt my memories. Since I have such few to reference to it seems sad to even think of him as ever being a part of my life. I don’t remember much of him being around. I remember 18 years of missed Christmas’s and missed birthdays though. And the fact that he never comes to see me. He goes and sees my half sister (his favorite) but not once comes to see my brother and I. It’s as if just because we’re adults he has the right to check out of our lives. Yeah well… he checked out when we were just children. 

Your dad is supposed to be the first male you love. The first male to make you feel safe and secure and loved. To accept you through thick and thin. To listen and support you.  I never had that. All I know about guys is what I’ve experienced. The losers, liars, lazy, good for nothing ass holes. I don’t remember ever feeling safe and happy. And the one and only time I did it left.

I used to dream of a day that I see my “family” and my friends in one place. All surrounding me. And I would be so happy because I would have all the important people in my life there. But my “family” is gone and my friends have taken their place. I depend more on my friends then I ever would on my “family”.

I remember I actually wanted to get married and have kids. Yup. I actually wanted to pro-create. I had this great big, amazing, successful, happy family planned out. All for me. And it was going to be perfect. And then it went away. When he walked away, he took my dreams, goals and hopes along with him. 

I don’t dream anymore. Or have goals beyond RIGHT NOW. I don’t want to get married and I most certainly do NOT want to have kids. I would never want another person to suffer like I have.

Right now, it’s all day by day. I live day by day. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I always hope it’s just a tiny bit better then today. 

Slowly things are getting better for me. And I hope that they continue to improve. After struggling for 5 years, sacrificing EVERYTHING, I’m FINALLY getting some stability back in my life. I have yearned to have stability for so long that it hurts. 

If I’m really lucky I can move out and get the kitty I want so so badly. Have my own small apartment, just my pets and me. Work to survive I suppose. That’s what I want. To eventually get to a point that I can live alone and be happy. 

Like I said, I don’t want to get married or have kids. That involves another person being in the picture and lord knows that’s the last thing I need OR want. I’m a loner, a home body by nature. I’m quiet and a deep thinker. To some people this seems far from what they have seen of me, if they only knew how I am, not what I show them.  

Dreams to Dream

Last night I had a dream that felt incredibly close to reality. It was the very first dream I have ever had with Sean in it. In my dream I remember feeling so incredibly happy when I saw him. I hugged him and it was as if all my hopes and dreams had come true. I don’t remember much from the dream but I remember I felt that same joy that I did when we would spend time together. That feeling of being complete. Like nothing else mattered outside of that moment. 

Then I woke up and the joy went away. I wanted to cry because it was gone. I tried really hard today to have a good day. I went to the movies and saw “The Vow” that might I add made me want to cry harder. And then the entire weekend that I had just spent around $150 on went to hell. In the snap of the fingers. I try and try and try but nothing I do will ever be good enough. It’s like I constantly need to do more and be more and who I am isn’t good enough. I feel emotionally, mentally and physically drained. Like I have absolutely nothing left to give.

I came home and have yet to eat. I’m incredibly depressed. All I want to do is cry but my head hurts too much and my eyes hurt too. It’s one of those days I wish I was single. One of those days that could have been totally avoided if no one else was in my life. I could pick and choose whose emotional crap I feel like dealing with and what day and what time. I never signed up to get yelled at. I never signed up to have my car suffer for someone’s temper tantrum. I never signed up to be told they wish I was rapped and dead and that I’m a bitch. No one deserves such bi-polar verbal abuse. I’m so much better then this. I deserve to be spoiled with an amazing guy that takes me out and does little things. Someone expressive and loving. Someone hardworking, dedicated and is my equal. In many many ways. 

I deserve all that, but will I ever get it? All arrows point to “in your dreams Lisa”. Exactly. In my dreams. That’s where my true happiness lies. In a place I can never truly be happy. But if having to have a dream means I’m happy for a fraction of a moment, I’ll take it. I’ll take anything that gets me out of this reality filled with so much pain.