Welcome to 2013

So I don't update as much as I used to. Mainly because there isn't much to report. A whole lot of nothing. My life is pretty boring. I've never been a person with a ton of shit going on.

While most people are swearing up and down that they are going to lose weight or kick the cancer stick habit or stop doing this and that I've got a very different New Years resolution. One that I know I can stick too. Especially because it's not impossible to do.

My New Years Resolution is... no more casual dating. To find one person and just stick with them.
This is a tall order for every guy I know and have met so I'm not going to be going out, messing around, talking to blah blah blah with guys. No kissing, no touching (beyond a hug). Nothing.
I've reached a point of so much disappointment in guys that I've literally hit rock bottom. I am really burned and am craving something real. Not some bull shit facade that is made to entertain me. That's led to an over abundance of heart break and disappointment.

Along with this resolution comes several other changes. Such as; not giving a shit. Most people that know me... or shall I say... KNEW ME... remember someone that is constantly checking and seeing if plans are on. Making sure people are ok, talking, making plans and etc. No more. That person is gone and has been taken over by the "not giving a shit" me. I don't confirm plans with anyone.
If I don't hear from them I go on and make other plans. I actually have a rather hilarious story about this very issue. LMFAO!

I don't seek out to make plans with people. They have my phone number and are (more then likely) on my friends list. They have the capacity of reaching out to me, it's a matter of want. So I just don't bother with them. Out of sight out of mind! that's how I live :D

Ever since I've taken on this new "outlook" I'm a lot less stressed out and anxious. The meds help too. But still limiting my exposure to negativity helps a lot.
I have very few people I can call my friend. I can count on just 1 hand in fact. That's actually normal for me though. I like to say that I know a lot of people but I have very few friends. :)

Not sure who, if anyone, reads my blog but if you don't know about what happened with Loki the whole adoption fell through. I didn't get him. I was really sad and depressed at first but then I found the most amazing cat that was in need of a good home. Scout! He was at the animal shelter. Skinny as a rail and in serious need of TLC. So I decided to foster him and he came home with me.
This boy is SPOILED! and that's a major understatement. He has gained weight and is showered with love all the time. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. He's taught me that everything really does happen for a reason. I am so thrilled that Loki didn't end up being mine. That Scout is mine and is my sweet little prince. I would be lost with out him.

Besides all that there isn't much to say.

I learned a lot about myself with in the year of 2012. I learned how strong I am, how forgiving and how rare real friends are.

I have no regrets about what happened this year. Even though I got really hurt. But it was a hurt I needed to feel. A "hurt" that was more of a reminder that I could feel. That I wasn't void of all emotion. I still feel that pain and I try to use it as a driving force to make positive changes in my life.
I like to think that one day I'm gonna find someone that wants me and that will be there and won't hurt me. But ... who knows. Until then I'm going to embrace my freedom and live my life to the fullest.

My hope for 2013... is to be happy.

To find a better job, that pays MORE. To travel... go on adventures and to just... live.

Where did I go wrong?

I don't like writing "depressing" posts but tonight I honestly can't help it.

This weekend I had tons planned. I was going to clean and keep myself busy. I was looking forward to today because I had gone out and bought all the ingredients for a nice dinner that I was going to make from scratch and bring it to my friend that has been having a bad run of luck recently. I figured it would be nice to be there for someone. I know what it's like to be alone and in need of someone to be there for you.

Well I reached out to this person TWICE via text. Asking if they still wanted me to go and see them. No answer. I dunno what happened. I have that same crappy, "thrown away" feeling I had when Sean left. I hate this feeling. It's honestly one of the worst feelings anyone could ever feel. The only difference is I KNOW that it's not my fault. I am an AMAZING friend and anyone lucky to have me in their life can confirm it. I feel stupid for caring so much about a person that, honestly, didn't deserve it. A person that probably didn't care from the start. A person that did to me what others have done in the past. You think I would learn my lesson by now, NOPE! took one last feeling of pure shit to be reminded that I deserve better people in my life.

So after having a tiny bit of the (old) me creeping out and being shunned away... AGAIN. I'm going to keep it locked away. I'm going to take this lesson and learn from it. Embrace the mistake and be more careful. Give less, take more... that type of thing.

Thank you to the only two people that were there for me tonight. Andy & John. I appreciate your very presence in my life.

I better end this. Have a good night everyone.

These guys are AMAZING live and really sweet. (I actually met them). I listen to this song every time I lose a friend. I listen to this song a lot.

Another (much needed) post.

I have no idea how to start this post. I guess I'll begin with the thing that's been weighing the heaviest on my mind.

Moving.
All this came about a couple of weeks ago. I felt ontop of the world. Like nothing could bring me down. I was going to be getting my kitten. That I have seen since he opened his eyes. Seeing him on a regular basis (weekly). My mother had stated that if I re-homed all my rats I could get the kitten. Well as much as I adore my rats, the responsibility of so many is really starting to get to me. The cleaning, feeding and attention they require is a LOT for just one person. So I agreed and started going through the steps of seeking good homes. Well on a Friday morning as I was getting ready to walk out the door my mother dropped the bomb that i couldn't get my kitten. Why? because her dog wouldn't get along with the kitten. That the dog would kill the kitten and that she only wanted the best for the kitten. BULL SHIT!

I got so upset. It was as if someone stabbed me in the chest. As always my mother did all she could to make me feel as small and insignificant now (that I'm an adult) as she did when I was a child. Saying one thing one moment then turning around and changing her mind. I have wanted a cat for over 15 years. I absolutely love cats and find them to be far better pets then any ugly mutt. I left in a fit of anger. Crying and screaming. Hoping all the worst for my mothers dog. With good reason, mind you. I got to work and thought hard. I decided that if I couldn't have my kitty (that I was already very much in love with) at my mothers home, I would have to do what it takes to find a place my kitty IS welcomed and move. Thankfully I have wonderful friends and was offered a room at my friends home. She's the person that is fostering my kitten and his siblings until they are old enough to go to homes.

The catch? It's an hour from were I live now and even a farther drive from were I work. So I have a place I can move to, all I need now is a better paying job in the area of were the place is. Now... I absolutely LOVE the town. I go there and feel right at home. It's peaceful and beautiful. I go during the weekends and enjoy myself. I get to see my friend AND my kitten. What else can I ask for?
So right now I'm looking for a job in that area. As soon as I do, have money saved up (from my current job) to pay for rent, I'm OUT OF HERE!
So... that's what's going on with moving.

My health.
As many people know, I have anxiety. It's getting worse by the day. My anxiety is becoming stress related. I'm stressed out on a daily basis so this is really, really bad. My dr put me on a different inhaler. She also said that my livery enzymes are off. That it could mean a few things, including the chance of Hepatitis. So I'm going for MORE blood work to check all that out. Also she wants me on a diet (what a surprise). Even thought I only gained ONE POUND in the last 2 months i still got lectured about my weight and eating habits. Go figure.

The dating world.
I hate dating. It's probably one of the more... annoying things a single person has the misery of dealing with. I've turned down a number of dates in the past few weeks. I'm so emotionally and mentally unavailable I don't even want to think about the possibility of having to deal with another person and their bull shit. I have never really been happy with being single. I've actually always fought to avoid it. But now that I am single, now that I do have so much going on, I'm really happy that I don't have that extra person around to suck all my attention. I have a few people I talk to on a regular basis, but nothing has (or will) happen with them. At least not any time soon.

As truly crappy as things are in my life, I know it's all for the best. I have to move out and become my own person. Like it or not, it's a step that's needed in the growing and developing process. I've always been fiercely independent. This is just the last step I need to take in my life.
This kitten is changing my life. And it's for the better. He's making me want more for myself and for him. I want to be the best I can be, because of him. He's my miracle kitty.

                                          Loki

A great weekend!

It's been an amazing weekend. Simple, yet amazing.

Friday I went to Dina's house. I saw 5 of the cutest and most vocal little fur-balls to ever live! We talked and hung out. I met some really great people there too. I really enjoyed myself. So much so that I drove home at 3:30 in the morning. That by the way... I do NOT remember how I got home. I was dozing off every... 30 seconds.

Yesterday I slept until around 12ish. Then my (lack of caffeine) headache got the best of me. I got up and ran some errands. Washed my car (that was totally pointless because the weather said it was going to rain TUESDAY and it rained today.) then came home and took a nap. I woke up and had plans to go see Bill.

I have known Bill for around a year. We went out last year, twice, and nothing came of it. Not on his part, MY part. Something spooked me and I just stopped talking to him. (I'll get to why in a moment). Bill had/has every single thing I am looking for in a potential partner. Oddly enough he never tried kissing me on either date we went on last year, I definitely remember that much. Well we started talking, again. Nothing big, just texts messages here and there. I couldn't figure out what it was that I didn't like about him from before. Finally in one conversation I figured it out. He said he smoked. And BAM! Just like that I knew. I stopped talking to him... again.

I went out with a few people after all that, again he would text me and I would text him back, to be polite. But inside all I could think is “no way”.

Bill had asked what it was that made me stop talking to him. I told him that it was the fact that he was a smoker and we had pretty much stopped talking. He ruled me out and I ruled him out.

I went out with this guy Jon and after YEARS I had that feeling of “OMG I like him soooo much.” I don't get that feeling a lot. At least not in the past... 4 years.

Come to figure out, Jon didn't like me back. At least not like THAT. I was ok with it, didn't have a choice in the matter.
By this point I had just thrown in the towel on dating. Figured it was the safest thing for me. 

Friday I was sending Bill texts through out the day. Just random texts. Then the topic of his cats came up and I told him I wanted to come over and kiss his kitties and see them (since everyone and their mother knows how much I love kitties). He jokingly suggested that I come over and I told him I would, on Saturday.

So I did. Even though we had ruled one another out I still went over Saturday night and had the most amazing time. At one point I just looked at him and thought “I really like him.” and my guard slowly started coming down. We flirted back and forth with one another and I got to a point were I was snuggling up against him. And then he (finally) kissed me and it felt right. 

So, long story short, I'm officially over Sean and (after 1.5 years) actually open to being with another person. I didn't think it would ever happen. 

I like Bill a LOT and want to see were things go. I'm feeling happy and really optimistic about things. He sent me a text this morning, wondering if I made it home alive. LOL. I left his house at 2am this morning.

We are definitely seeing one another after I get back from FL in 2 weeks. Until then, text messages will have to do. :)

Today I hung out with Sarah, that I never see anymore. It was great seeing her and spending time with her. I wish I could do it more often. 

Now I'm washing clothes and figuring out what in the hell I'm going to bring to FL with me and how am I could to keep myself entertained for 10 HOURS tomorrow at work.

Well... better end this. I got some cleaning to do. And I gotta finish that movie I rented.

I'm here but you don't see...

I haven't bothered updating this thing. I've wanted to, it's finding the motivation and time to do it that's the problem.

Not much to update. Right when things seems to look like they may be getting better, it takes an immediate nose dive. I've been putting more effort into actually dating and giving more of a chance then I normally would have. Instead of writing someone off immediately I've actually gone out on date 2 or 3. And if there is still no chemistry on my end I walk away. 

I went out with Jon, this 28 year old really shy guy not to long ago. I have no clue what it was about him, probably a mix of his incredibly beautiful smile, pretty green eyes and sweet personality that drew me in. He was slightly taller then me, a bit pudgy but NOTHING like other guys I've gone out with, and had this sexy voice and great taste in music. Forget it... I was instantly sucked in. I felt all those girly emotions. I wanted to see him again soo badly! As in... the next day badly.

But...

Jon clearly didn't like me back. At least that's the impression I got. He did text me with in 10 min of us separating (after spending 4 hours together laughing and joking around). He complimented me and what not but no plans for a 2^nd meet up. I felt really devastated and honestly... hurt. I didn't bother asking. Before I was going to set myself up for even more heartache I just let him go. It was NOT something I wanted to do, but knew I had to.

Today an over abundance of mixed emotions came over me. For a moment I thought about packing my stuff and moving away. Talking to my dad and moving to FL next month. Taking the next few weeks and seeing about finding a job in my field down there. But after more careful thinking I realized I could never leave this place. My pets are here and my best friend is here. My life is here. Everything that means something to me is here. I refuse to leave Jenn. Not again. I could never do that again. If she decides to ever move I'll move wherever she goes, but I will not leave her side. No matter what. 

So I decided to give up. To stop looking for someone and just let go. The last time I did that was how I met Sean. He found me. I'm cutting ties with some people. At least for now. I've contemplated changing my number too. I just wanna walk away and forget the guys I've met. And not be bothered. Today I've officially thrown in the “dating” towel.

I've pretty much been single for the past 18 months. I might as well make it 2 years.

Busy Bee!

So I started this whole diet yesterday. My food consumption has taken a DRASTIC drop. I feel like I eat nothing. When I get hungry I eat some sort of fruit. Mango's have become my fruit of choice at this point. Although the orange is closely behind it. Tomorrow's breakfast is 2 eggs (scrambled) and a few slices of turkey bacon. Lunch is sliced beef mixed with veggies. I have oranges, mango, banana and apple for a treat. My food option is really limited. Especially since I loath 75% of the vegetables out there. The only ones I like include Mushrooms, carrots, celery, corn, broccoli, peas, onions and that's it. I loath peppers. That shit seems to be in EVERYTHING. I pick them out. Yuck! 

As much as I want to hate this whole diet thing I really don't. I already can't have dairy, so there is no big loss. The bread... that's really tough. My favorite candy is like 28g of carb! :(

I just gotta hang in there for another … -gulp-... 6.5 weeks. I better be like 40lbs less. Ok that's totally unrealistic but I really should loss a significant amount of weight. The weird thing is, one of the things I miss the most is seeing my collar bone and ribs. Like when I would breath in I could totally feel my bones and my hips were super boney. GOD! I wanna be skinny.

I want that. I want to feel sexy again. Although... when I was substantially smaller I still wasn't happy. I loved being able to do more because I was so much smaller. But guys wouldn't really talk to me. And I lost weight for myself AND to find someone. I really think it's because guys already thought I was with someone. I was really really small. At my lightest I was nearly single digits in clothing size. And that's a BIG deal for me. To be a size 8. I fit into a small. A SMALL! Oh my god... what I would give to fit into a small.

I'll get there. I know I will. I just have to keep going. Once I'm down around 20lbs then I'll try going to the gym. My doctor told me to first focus on losing weight THEN going to work out. Makes sense. 

                                         At my smallest.

  I am DETERMINED to look like this again. Nothing can stop me.
                                               

Moving on...

This week has been CRAZY! Well... sorta. I gotta come home and clean and do laundry and feed the animals, make my breakfast (for the next day), make my lunch (for the next day) and make my dinner (for that same day).

I have to cut up my fruit and then make sure I have enough packed.

Then I gotta pick out my clothes for work the next day, then I gotta take a shower and finally lay in bed. Tonight I rented a movie so I'm gonna enjoy that!

Tomorrow I'm going to Jenns after work. Gonna hang out there then go grocery shopping for the remainder of the week. Gotta get meats and fruit.

Thursday I'm seeing Randy and Jess. Meeting some new people at karaoke so I'm really excited. It's gonna be GREAT! Friday going to see my p-doc. I really hate having so many dr's. Then I gotta either go help Jess with the preparations of the tag sale or going to see Dina. I loves Dina :D She's awesome!

Saturday going to do the hole Tag sale thing and I'm gonna see if I can bring Bay and Amelia. Bay is really attached to me. I got other plans but those aren't set in stone yet.

So this week is turning out to be great! I'm really happy. 

Today I realized... I finally let go of Sean. I never thought I could. I was so hardened by what happened. I had built this wall around my heart and I didn't want to let anyone through. I was focusing so much on what happened and avoiding having it happen again that I was letting a really great guy slip right threw my fingers.

Once I realized what a major mistake all that would be I put an immediate stop to the negative thinking and knew that I couldn't lose him. That deep down inside (locked away) I loved him and I didn't want to live with regret. The same way I know so many people are currently living.

I'm happy he's still in my life. Now I just gotta see him again. Damn this conflicting schedule! 

On a side note, I'm letting my hair grow out. Yeah I say that every single summer. Then it gets cut like a boys hair come winter time. This time I'm going to see if I can actually let it get as far as my shoulders. I actually don't look so bad.

I better end this. I still need to take a shower, change laundry over and watch the movie I rented.

So now I'm walking on a tightrope wire

No clue how long this will be but I'll try and make this quick. I'm currently soaking wet and sweating bullets. (GROSS!)

This weekend took a drastic turn for the better today.

I went and visited Sarah and Joe. I took Bay with me. She's such a moosh ball. So I hung out there and Sarah pierced my ears. This time it's not bothering me nearly as much as the first lord knows how many times. 

Then I headed to Jesse's to try this strawberry pie that looked DELICIOUS. I hung out there and we talked and I got a TON of stuff off my chest. Things that has been on my mind for a while now. Things I don't generally talk about. I feel much more at ease now that I actually talked about it. And with someone that understands.

I'm really grateful for my friends. Like I always say, I would be lost with out them. 

We talked, laughed, cried... it felt wonderful. I feel really optimistic. With this whole diet thing I'm hoping that my health improves. I want to have a great time in Atlantic City this year. Although the guy that was drunk, singing and flashing 6^th graders was really hilarious last year. I would love to see that again. Hehehe.

I figured it out. Well.. sorta... I figured out something. What I need is to stay busy. To be cleaning, playing games, hanging out with friends... anything. That helps me A LOT. It helps my depression, it helps my anxiety, it helps ME. I need to stay busy. To be occupied with something. Even just hanging out with someone. I'm doing something to entertaining myself. People can always tell that I have tons and tons and tooooonnnns of energy. Apparently by the tone of my voice. Go figure. You don't even need to know me to know that my energy level is crazy. 

So I'm going to put all this energy to good use. I'm going to go to Karaoke with Jesse and Randy on Thursday. Then Friday I may go hang out with Jesse again and then Saturday I'm helping her with this tag said she's setting up. I love stuff like that! (again, keeping myself super busy helps so much).

Then Sunday is my day to see Sarah and Joe!

This Mon-Wed I'm working 8-6. I need to make up for the time I missed on Friday.

So I'm packing extra... stuff to eat at work. My choices have been limited to fruit, vegetables and meat. Oh and ice. Can't forget good old ICE! Ugh... I better see some serious results this time next week. The next 7 weeks are going to be pure hell for me.

I told Sarah about what happened on Friday. How Andy made the choice to remove me from his life. Then I explained to her how I felt. And that how I felt had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. How I'm trying to deal with all these issues. And she stops and looks at me and says “But wouldn't you want someone there to just be with, talk to and confide in? He could have been that.”

Apparently just because Sarah is 8 years younger then me it doesn't mean I'm wiser then her. She was right. 100% right. I started feeling even more guilty and dumb then I already had. I fucked up. My stupid negativity really fucked it up.

-sigh-

I better go jump in the shower. My clothes it starting to itch and feel really really uncomfortable. This is what I get when I fill the base of the rat cage up with water and drop it (filled with water) by accident. I get a great big MESS... ew.

 Jesse's dog (Lilly) she wanted me to throw the ball. LOFL!

                         This pretty much sums it all up. :(