It's been nearly 1 year...

The end of May marks one year since Sean abruptly left me. It’s been one hell of a year. Filled with lots of heartache and disappointment. I met several guys, went on a few dates and none really panned out. One simple argument, a small slip up and off they went. Quickly proving their true colors. These guys, for the most part, have remained in my life. They are my friends, but after they’re departure I learned they just were NOT dating material. So they neatly filled the “friends only” slot. Along with many other people that made the fatal mistake of calling it quits before seeing the soft side of me.

If people, even my own “family”, knew me… SAW me for who I am not what they think I am they would be shocked as to the person they see before them. I know my “family” see me in the most negative light imaginable. I’m 100% comfortable with that. Mainly because I kicked them out of my life a loooong time ago and haven’t looked back. They brought only negativity into my life and it spread like cancer. And that’s unfair to ME.

I know who I am. I am strong, independent, compassionate, self-sacrificing, loving, loyal, expressive, funny, giving, determined, hardworking, dedicated and many other great things. But with the good traits there is always the bad. I’m mean sometimes, stubborn, strong willed, opinionated, spoiled, arrogant, selfish (when need be). But those are traits I’ve seen in an overabundance of other people so I don’t think they are negative… per say. 

I give a lot to people that, at the time, I feel deserve it. When in reality… they do not.

I remember a time I truly idolized my older half-sister. I had wanted to obtain her approval. But there was never a time she would “grant” me something like that. She was too self-absorbed and also to busy praising god and being as fake to her “family” as she was with her fellow church crazies. I hate right-wing Christians! We should just put them all on an island and bomb it. There’s your fast track ticked to GOD!

I’ve removed people that brought either negativity or just plain nothing into my life. I am undieingly loyal to people that, to be honest, probably don’t deserve it. But I am just far to caring of a person to throw in the towel just because. The number one way a person will automatically be kicked out of my life, totally blindsided btw, is if they bring DRAMA. I am someone that leads a low key and simple life. I work, come home, run errands, spend time with my pets, mom or boyfriend and hang out with friends when possible but that’s about it. No were in there do you see on my lists of things “listen to someone talk endlessly about shit I don’t care about and they are totally unwilling to change/fix”. I don’t like DRAMA! 

The 2 “kinds” of people that I have noticed (first hand) that are filled with drama are 1) Single bitches that have too much time on their hands and 2) gay men. Note: I have NEITHER OF THESE IN MY LIFE.
My single female friends have a lot going on in their lives and I have no gay male friends.

Making the changes to remove these people from my life that caused totally unneeded stress in my life was one of the best choices I made. Along with not talking to my half-sister and father. Those rank up there too. Then again… according to my father I’m wrong, I’m stupid and everything I do is just wrong and I need to sit down, shut up and follow everything he says and does. Yeah…. Not gonna be seeing/talking to him anytime within the next 5 or so years. 

After I got my job, I’m at right now, things took a major turn. I’ve been at my job since October and although it has its ups and downs, like any job, I really do like it. Even when I have to stay late to fix some dumbasses major fuck up.
After I started working at my job I found out the truth about Sean and why he left. That cut me really deep. After a week of denial and saying “it’s not true” I started my journey to let go. It’s taken up until NOW and several dreams for me to see that he really was no good for me. Sean and I had no future. All we had was a season of memories I won’t soon forget. The greatest memories I’ll probably ever have. I found someone that I truly, deeply loved and would have done absolutely anything for. And like many others he let me go. That just means he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve someone like me. 

Sean will never admit he’s wrong, so he may never come groveling back to me, but I know in my heart that a part of him, no matter how small it may be, deeply regrets what happened. Every single guy does. I have yet to date someone that doesn’t want a second chance with me. Some may realized it after a month or so and others after a year or two but they realize it and that’s when it set in that having someone that would spoil them, be undyingly loyal and is capable of cooking, cleaning and being a dream come true was let go and slipped through their fingers.

I love knowing that someone wants me back. They never get that 2^nd chance because it’s all lifes way of saying a great big “FUCK YOU” to them. Hahahahah!