More work & less play

My computer is still out of service so I'm typing this on a tiny little netbook named Whitey that is really semi-shitty but in need of some TLC.

Anyway, so updates updates updates... let me start with the new job. I started working in a location in North Haven (that shall remain nameless because people are nosy and what I do and do not do is no ones business. If you are supposed to know I would tell you, clearly you are not supposed to know. ) So I started last week and LOVE it. Got 4 week of training then I'm on my own. The training (on the computer) is supposed to take like 1.5 weeks. I started and finished in 4 days. There are 3 other people in my class and they are nowhere near as close to finishing. I'm a VERY fast learner and pick up on anything and everything. My perceptive skills are coming in useful once again. I found out the department they want to put me in. It's one of the harder areas were they never put people straight out of training into. But ME being ME have all the qualifications for it. Muahahahah! I take great pride in my skills. So, I'm eager to finally get out there.

Besides all that I have 4 little fuzz butts on their way to me as of the 1^st week of NOVEMBER!!! I can't wait! 2 girls and 2 boys. The girls are Noomi and Clementine. The boys I'm still torn on names but I'm leaning towards Monroe and Avalon. I am PRAYING that at least 2 are Patchworks. Callisto was a Patchwork and he was one of the greatest rats I have ever owned. 

Halloween is right around the corner and I'm so excited. Not sure on a custom yet so that kinda sucks :( but I'm excited because Halloween is my all time favorite holiday. Then is THANKSGIVING! And that means another Thanksgiving party! Wooo hooo! Last years was a total and complete blast and I know this year will be just as amazing.

The dating world. Been getting asked out a lot. Been turning each and every date request down. I'm just not interested in dating anyone. I want to be alone. I really am not up for getting hurt any more then I already have this year. Next year is another year and maybe by then I will be open to giving dating another chance but right now I just want to focus on me, my job, my pets and my friends. I don't need that worry about putting time into someone that will end up leaving me anyway. I would much rather be alone then set my hopes up so high only to be left disappointed.

Nothing else to report. Been keeping myself busy. Can't wait for this weekend!

Everyone have a great Halloween! 

 

Closure

This morning I went grocery shopping with my mother. I was walking around and that's when I saw Joe. Seans step-father. I ran up to him and gave him a hug. I was so happy to see him. I knew this conversation wouldn't end on a high note. But I asked about him and his wife. How they are doing. Then I asked about Sean. He explained to me that it was nothing I did. That Sean just isn't ready for the type of commitment it requires to be in a long term relationship. Sean isn't a 1 woman kinda guy. He needs to just date and not be tied down. I was his longest relationship. And he (Joe) is shocked that Sean lasted as long as he did with me. He said that Sean really did love me, but he's still only a kid. Sean never talks about me. Hes now focusing on work and just finished school. I ended up breaking down in tears a few times.

I finally got the closure I needed. I really needed to hear all that. Now I can take the information and move on. I still don't want to be with anyone. I just want to be alone. I feel like no one will ever be able to fill that void I still have in my heart. If anyone wants to be with me they will have an uphill battle ahead of them. And let's face it, no guy is willing to “fight” to be with anyone. All men want things the easy way. So that pretty much means I'm good to go in the alone department.

Fix a heart

My new meds didn't work. It really fucked me up. My P-Doc said that I need to get off of it and just take my regular med and work through my depression. The meds I've been on help a LOT but I still have my down days. Mostly when I think about everything. Or when I talk about it. I find myself getting really emotional and crying.

As much as I hate being alone sometimes, I know it's all for the best. Each day I know I'm getting one step closer to being ok. Yesterday I actually wondered what happiness felt like. I don't remember what it feels like. Very few people have been witness to me being “happy”. Between the months of January and April of this year were the happiest. I put so much stock in him. My future revolved around him. I thought I would never be with out him. Only to find out that he had no problem throwing our relationship away, along with me.

I'm terrified of getting involved with another person. Apparently I'm easy to throw away. I've been proven that time and time again. My own “family”, old friends and ex's find it incredibly easy to just walk away. The friends I have at the moment have proven themselves time and time again. I feel lucky to have only 2 family members, 3 best friends and 3 close friends to count on. That's it, 8 people. Many other people that have come in and out of my life were pretty much just “passer byes” I knew they wouldn't stay. So I, knowingly, invested nothing in them. What's the point? A bit of time here and there. Then when they walk away I feel like I haven't lost anything. It's the “safe” road. After everything I've endured I feel like being safe isn't only the right thing, but also the best thing for me.

I wish I knew when I will be ok again. When, if ever, I'll be ready to let someone in again. I don't see that happening for an extremely long time. But for some unknown reason guys keep asking me out. I have the boring one that I can't stand talking to. I keep making up excuses to not go out with him. The gay one that's really nice and I like talking to but am CONVINCED is gay. I'm not being anyones beard! And then the guy that's to busy to commit.

The next time one of them calls me I'm gonna tell them I'm emotionally unavailable. I seriously need to focus on myself.

Maybe next Christmas I'll have someone worth spending the holidays with.

What I would do if I won $1M & $5k for life!!

So recently I've seen tons and tons of commercials for Publishers clearing house. This go around it's 1 Million dollars and $5,000 a week for life. It got me thinking. What would I do if I won. I like to think about random crap sometimes. Especially when I'm going to bed, It helps me fall asleep. So I came up with a few things. They are in NO SPECIFIC ORDER. I wouldn't expect to be able to do everything right away. Just over time I guess.

1) Rebuild my car. Make it brand new. I'm emotionally attached to that car and want to keep it forever if I had the resources.

2) Buy 3 cars. A Smart car (his name will be Marty). A Fiat 500 (his name will be Tumor) and a 2000 Hyundai Tiburon. (his name will be Tibby). I have LOVED this model since I first laid eyes on it.

3)Buy a house for me, my pets, my cars.

4) Go on an Alaskan cruise with my mom, brother and 3 best friends (Jenn, Sarah & Dan).

 5) Make sure that the above listed people are taken care of.

6) Go clothes shopping.

7) Go shopping for my pets.

8) Adopt 3 cats that are in the most need of a home. (the old, sick and unwanted ones)

9) Take Jenn & Dan to Glee Live and meet the cast.

10) Go on a road trip to Maine and FINALLY see a Moose.

 11) Decorate my house with all Moose stuff.

I can honestly say that's the most I would do. With the rest of the money I would open up an animal shelter strictly for small animals. Oh! I would also make sure and change my name. I wouldn't want anyone I don't talk to trying to find me and beg for money. I'm mean enough to say no, but I don't want to risk the lives of my pets due to the mentally unstable.
All I need now is to actually HAVE the money. LOL!

One can only dream :)

Changes

Like I posted on my facebook, after 3 years of not eating meat I've decided to VERY SLOWLY go through the transition of going back to eating meat. It's something I've put a lot of thought into. At least months of on again and off again thinking. I don't crave it at all and wish it didn't have to come down to this decision but right now... I don't have a choice.

After the other night I knew I had to do something. I started to sweat like crazy. It was one of the coldest nights of the week. I couldn't seem to cool down. My hands started to shake so hard I couldn't control them. My breathing began to race. I started to get really dizzy when all of a sudden I blacked out. I didn't wake up until the next morning. I think my protein, blood pressure and sugar was very low. I had to thinking quick about what I had that day. I had not 1 trace of protein. Not an egg, not cheese, no fish. Nothing. I was so scared that I could have been in the car or out in public. Luckily the 4 times this has happened to me I was at home. So today I made the horrible decision to actually stop being a Vegetarian. Just 1 month shy of my 3 year mark. 

I feel like such a failure. Like I'm forfeiting all my beliefs. I love animals. They make me so happy. And the thought of one suffering for ME makes me so sad. All I can do is eat the “right” kind of meat. I know what I'm looking for so I'm not going to sit here and list it all but the transition I know won't be easy.

I will mostly be living meat free. If I have a choice of Sushi or Chicken I will pick the shrimp tempura roll any day of the week. I gotta admit I have missed the yummy Spanish cooked chicken I once loved and enjoyed. Thankfully my mom made my favorite today, baked chicken breast with white rice. I first looked at it and thought “I can't do this” then I reminded myself that this isn't forever, I can go back to being Veg whenever I want to. So I ate it. I honestly gotta say I really, really... REALLY missed that taste. But it's not something that I can't live without. I went 3 years with out it and I'm still alive and well. It just tastes really good with rice. I won't make a habit out of it though. 

Besides all that the only thing I gotta report on is October 7^th. This date has kept me on my toes for months. Thinking that after that date I'm going to get “the” text or “the” phone call. But nothing. And oddly enough, the day came and went and I didn't think twice about it. Didn't noticed it passed until the day after.

Since I wrote that very angry (unsent) letter to... “him”... I feel better. I mean a lot better. I let myself be angry, FEEL angry, express my anger. Something I've kept locked away for months. I never got closure and I had to create a ending to that chapter in my life.

I like to think that, he was a lesson I had to learn. He helped me see that I can be happy, that I can love and let someone in, that you don't need everything to have something. Sometimes you just need that one person that makes you feel at home, that can be your best friend while still being your lover. He made me a better person. 

I have faith that there is some amazing person out there. Someone that is strong, like me. Someone that will make me happy and won't give up. Someone that is compassionate, loyal, honest and giving. I dunno if I'll ever find this person but I know they're out there. I refuse to give up.