Changes

Like I posted on my facebook, after 3 years of not eating meat I've decided to VERY SLOWLY go through the transition of going back to eating meat. It's something I've put a lot of thought into. At least months of on again and off again thinking. I don't crave it at all and wish it didn't have to come down to this decision but right now... I don't have a choice.

After the other night I knew I had to do something. I started to sweat like crazy. It was one of the coldest nights of the week. I couldn't seem to cool down. My hands started to shake so hard I couldn't control them. My breathing began to race. I started to get really dizzy when all of a sudden I blacked out. I didn't wake up until the next morning. I think my protein, blood pressure and sugar was very low. I had to thinking quick about what I had that day. I had not 1 trace of protein. Not an egg, not cheese, no fish. Nothing. I was so scared that I could have been in the car or out in public. Luckily the 4 times this has happened to me I was at home. So today I made the horrible decision to actually stop being a Vegetarian. Just 1 month shy of my 3 year mark. 

I feel like such a failure. Like I'm forfeiting all my beliefs. I love animals. They make me so happy. And the thought of one suffering for ME makes me so sad. All I can do is eat the “right” kind of meat. I know what I'm looking for so I'm not going to sit here and list it all but the transition I know won't be easy.

I will mostly be living meat free. If I have a choice of Sushi or Chicken I will pick the shrimp tempura roll any day of the week. I gotta admit I have missed the yummy Spanish cooked chicken I once loved and enjoyed. Thankfully my mom made my favorite today, baked chicken breast with white rice. I first looked at it and thought “I can't do this” then I reminded myself that this isn't forever, I can go back to being Veg whenever I want to. So I ate it. I honestly gotta say I really, really... REALLY missed that taste. But it's not something that I can't live without. I went 3 years with out it and I'm still alive and well. It just tastes really good with rice. I won't make a habit out of it though. 

Besides all that the only thing I gotta report on is October 7^th. This date has kept me on my toes for months. Thinking that after that date I'm going to get “the” text or “the” phone call. But nothing. And oddly enough, the day came and went and I didn't think twice about it. Didn't noticed it passed until the day after.

Since I wrote that very angry (unsent) letter to... “him”... I feel better. I mean a lot better. I let myself be angry, FEEL angry, express my anger. Something I've kept locked away for months. I never got closure and I had to create a ending to that chapter in my life.

I like to think that, he was a lesson I had to learn. He helped me see that I can be happy, that I can love and let someone in, that you don't need everything to have something. Sometimes you just need that one person that makes you feel at home, that can be your best friend while still being your lover. He made me a better person. 

I have faith that there is some amazing person out there. Someone that is strong, like me. Someone that will make me happy and won't give up. Someone that is compassionate, loyal, honest and giving. I dunno if I'll ever find this person but I know they're out there. I refuse to give up.