Pictures

I'm in the mood to write. I know that none of this will be in any sort of order, it's gonna be more like a giant cluster-fuck of miscellaneous thoughts. So... if you are reading this... brace yourself.

So I was rummaging through some old pictures. I found some of one of my birthdays. I'm assuming it was when I was probably 20 or so. I felt instantly very sad. I guess that year I had my birthday at my older half sisters house. I quickly put them away. But that sadness has stayed with me. It makes me think about all the birthdays, holidays and other important moments my “family” has missed. I'll never understand why everyone left. I stopped caring years ago. But there are times, very far and few in between, were I do question it.

I wonder if they knew all they were throwing away and the people that would be left behind and the effects it would have. Apparently not. I mean, I've brought a specific subject up to a couple people and they have said the very same thing. I brought up how my “family” have commented on how I've changed and how different I am and how I'm not the same person as who I was when they left. Well NO SHIT! You moved away when I was 11 years old! Last I checked you are not the same person at 28 as you were as a child. I have endured things in my life they will never know. I have done things they have missed out on. In reality they are more strangers to me then “family”. All they know about me is what I have told them and what they have seen. That's it. They don't know who I am or what I have endured to be were I am at. I made the decision to cut them out of my life. There are reasons that I won't bother posting on here, but I do have my reasons. 

 Today, right here right now I'm feeling really sad, really lonely and really hurt. I'm not going to name names but only one person knows what I am talking about. And that's only because I sent them a text about it. I feel like someone I really care about is kinda just living there lives and forgetting that I so much as exist. The phone calls have stopped and the text messages are very far and few in between. I'm almost afraid to text them because I'm convinced I'm going to bother them. So, like I told my friend, I'm gonna do what I do best, and that's keep to myself. If someone wants to see/talk to/hang out with me they have my number. But I absolutely refuse to reach out. 

 Tomorrow I'm due to work 13 hours straight. I'm not looking forward to it AT ALL. But lord knows I need to save up money for black Friday shopping, bus trip in December and Christmas shopping. I wonder who's going Black Friday shopping with us this year. Hmmm.... Last year was really fun. Crazy.... yet fun.

I still really wanna try to go to NYC in October.

Ooooo... October!!! It's almost that time of year again! Pumpkins and hoodies and cold cold fall nights. OMG I can't wait! I have always hated the summer heat and humidity but this summer seemed to have dragged on and on. It felt like it would never end. I wish it was October weather all year round.

The movie 50/50 is coming out tomorrow. I'm thinking I may need to go check it out on $5 JewsDay.

Nexxus died. That brings my fuzz butt count to 17. I'm starting to get really numb to them dieing. I love my rats, don't get me wrong. I've gotten to a point were I accept that they are going to die and there is nothing I can do but love them and give them the best life possible for as long as I have them. R.I.P you needy, loving, vocal, clingy momma's boy. I love you.

Next weekend I am determined to go to Lyman Orchards and buy apples! I'm gonna go and get some and make an apple pie. And I'm gonna enjoy the hell out of it. Nom Nom Nom Nom!

 Today I was thinking about what has recently changed about me. I've noticed something has and I'm pretty sure no one has noticed it but I have. I really noticed it right now. As I'm typing this out. What has changed about me you wonder, Something pretty big actually. It's my social interaction. Now, I'm a pretty social person (to an extent because I only associate with certain people) I like to include people and be included. I am no longer including people (ANYONE) in any plans I make. I don't make plans to go anywhere or do anything with anyone, at least very rarely. I don't plan on going to the movies with anyone or going to pick the apples with anyone. I just plan on going alone. It's easier that way. I don't set myself up for the disappointment of the “oh hey... I'm not going.” I would rather just do things alone then be told “I can't make it” or even worse, have that person not even have the common courtesy to so much as call/text. I've always had a nasty habit of putting far to much stock into people when to be honest, no one is worth it.

So, I'm gonna keep planning things alone and keep doing them alone.

I hope next week is better then this week. It should be, it'll be October!