My new meds didn't work. It really fucked me up. My P-Doc said that I need to get off of it and just take my regular med and work through my depression. The meds I've been on help a LOT but I still have my down days. Mostly when I think about everything. Or when I talk about it. I find myself getting really emotional and crying.
As much as I hate being alone sometimes, I know it's all for the best. Each day I know I'm getting one step closer to being ok. Yesterday I actually wondered what happiness felt like. I don't remember what it feels like. Very few people have been witness to me being “happy”. Between the months of January and April of this year were the happiest. I put so much stock in him. My future revolved around him. I thought I would never be with out him. Only to find out that he had no problem throwing our relationship away, along with me.
I'm terrified of getting involved with another person. Apparently I'm easy to throw away. I've been proven that time and time again. My own “family”, old friends and ex's find it incredibly easy to just walk away. The friends I have at the moment have proven themselves time and time again. I feel lucky to have only 2 family members, 3 best friends and 3 close friends to count on. That's it, 8 people. Many other people that have come in and out of my life were pretty much just “passer byes” I knew they wouldn't stay. So I, knowingly, invested nothing in them. What's the point? A bit of time here and there. Then when they walk away I feel like I haven't lost anything. It's the “safe” road. After everything I've endured I feel like being safe isn't only the right thing, but also the best thing for me.
I wish I knew when I will be ok again. When, if ever, I'll be ready to let someone in again. I don't see that happening for an extremely long time. But for some unknown reason guys keep asking me out. I have the boring one that I can't stand talking to. I keep making up excuses to not go out with him. The gay one that's really nice and I like talking to but am CONVINCED is gay. I'm not being anyones beard! And then the guy that's to busy to commit.
The next time one of them calls me I'm gonna tell them I'm emotionally unavailable. I seriously need to focus on myself.
Maybe next Christmas I'll have someone worth spending the holidays with.
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