Thnks fr th Mmrs

 ***I wrote some of this ON Thanksgiving BTW***

It's tough for me to sit here and just type away all the crap that's running through my mind. The past week has been nothing more then a blur. I have millions of things going on in my head and (as always) can't seem to focus on just one thing (damn you ADD!)
I'm gonna start with the obvious and go from there.

It's Thanksgiving! woo hoo! A day to celebrate and give thanks. This year I have so much to give thanks for. More then any other time in the past. I celebrated a pre-Thanksgiving party this past Sunday and had the most amazing people over sharing in the festivities. I wish I could thank each and every person that came, the way I would like to, but it's tough because even I can't put the way I feel and the amount of appreciation I sense into words.

So, I'm just going to go into story mode and maybe that will explain things a little better.
Many years ago (18 years, to be exact) my family moved away. After that no holiday or birthday was ever the same. I became very bitter and dreaded the holidays. I never looked forward to hearing about others joyous times with their family because I didn't have one. My "family" was gone. Far far away. In places that I could only travel to see one or 2 times a year, if I'm lucky. So the lonely, sad, depressing holidays came and went. Celebrated with just my mom and brother. A far cry from all the people that once surrounded me. I spent the last 18 years yearning for that feeling I once had. That sense of happiness that no amount of money could give me. That "family" feeling. And this past Sunday I looked around and was surrounded by my friends, my brothers friends and my mom. I had my family. This is my family. The one I hand picked. The people that mattered were here with me. I felt complete again. I felt happy and overjoyed.

People say that your mom, dad, brother, sister blah blah blah. Is your family. I beg to differ. My family are my friends. They are the people that I love with every fiber in my body and would gladly lay my life on the line for. They are the ones that know me right NOW. Not the 10 year old little girl that was left behind. They have seen me grow and become who I am today. Face my demons and come out a better person.

I would never trade what I have now for the "family" that moved away. Those people are strangers to me. They know nothing about me. They are just people from my past that I once knew. I have a whole new appreciation for my friends. They are who have proven themselves time and time again. I would be lost with out them. I could never give enough thanks to those that shared in making this past Thanksgiving memorable for me.
What I have now are pictures and memories to look back on. Something I will cherish until the day I die.

Besides the amazingly wonderful thanksgiving I had there are other things to report on. More personal things. Mostly stuff I think about but rarely ever mention.
It's been 6 months since things ended. I have more recently (as in the past 2 months or so) have really tried to push myself to let go and move on. I know I've made progress. I can see it and feel it. But there are days that I still feel really empty. Really sad and deeply miss him. I'm not sure if it's "him" I miss or the feeling of having someone there. Either way I miss it.
I've noticed a change in myself that shocks me. I've never been hurt to the point of being incapable of showing affection and being loving and vocal about it.... until now.

My dating life has not suffered whatsoever. But it's anything beyond just dating/messing around that scares the shit out of me. It's actually the thought of being with someone long term that sends me running for the hills. Have I really gotten to the point of being afraid of commitment? That's just not me. I've never EVER been afraid of it. I've always embraced it. I know some absolutely amazing guys that are worthy of nothing but the best. I feel like I'm so far from the best that even a cheating, drug addicted, alcoholic, obnoxious, bitch is better then me. Ok... maybe not "better" but more worthy. I guess in the dating department I've hit and emotional rock bottom and I need to figure out how to get out of it. Right now, I'm pretty much incapable of loving someone and totally unworthy of being loved.

I hope 2012 brings me good things. I hope it brings me the happiness I've been seeking. But this time, it doesn't snatch it away.

The Fray always knows how to put how I feel into words.