I feel hopeless, like nothing can save me.

It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear
You almost feel ashamed
That someone could be that important
That without them, you feel like nothing
No one will ever understand how much it hurts
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you
And when it's over, and it's gone
You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
So that you could have the good.

-        ~  Rihanna. We found love ft. Calvin Harris

Today was one of “those days”. The kind that makes me wish I never even got up out of bed. I really woke up in a foul mood. I finally got up and out at 1pm. Did absolutely none of what I had intended on doing. It was my own fault. I went out and then on my drive home I stopped at the grocery store. The same one Sean and I would frequent. I always have this thought in the back of my mind of “what if”. What if I see him, what if he talks to me, what if he works there, what If… what if… WHAT IF?

I went in and left there feeling like shit. Like that thought just implanted itself in my mind and I couldn’t shake it. I went back to the last time I was happy. It was back in May. I was laying in my bed. He had stayed over the weekend. We spend 3 amazing days together. Laughing, watching movies, cooking together and just enjoying one another. Then, right before he was to leave I started to cry. It was as if something in me said “Cherish this moment, because you will never have it again.” He got really concerned and questioned what was wrong. I told him that this is it. We will never have a weekend like this again. He just laughed it off, kissed me and said “yes we will. I’ll be back on Saturday. I love you.” And with a strong and loving hug he left. I watched him walk away knowing that I will never ever have that happiness back. 3 days later he kicked me out of his life. 

I had so many things I wanted to do with him. Go to NYC, go to Vegas, take little road trips to other nearby states. Move away from CT. I placed all my hopes and dreams in his hands. A mistake I NEVER EVER made in the past. I made sure to never put stock in someone. Believe that they would be there for “the long haul”. I trusted him deeply and thought that this was it. I’m never going to be single again. He convinced me that I could trust and believe that he would be there no matter what.

We were the “perfect” couple. We almost never fought. We talked about everything and anything. Found little dumb things to keep ourselves entertained. Watched movies, played games, talked, drove around. One of the things that seems the dumbest is how badly I wanted to see the fireworks with him. I had never seen fireworks until I was around 26. I thought they were magnificent and so beautiful. They really were nice to watch. I couldn’t wait for the 4^th of July and I would bring it up from time to time. Getting excited and looking forward to it. Only a few months after my all-time favorite yearly experience, The daffodil festival. We went to the daffodil festival. Had a blast. Took tons of pictures I never posted on Facebook or ever printed out. The sight of them hurts to much. 

It’s been over 7 months and the wounds are still there. They feel just as fresh as they did when he walked away. I never knew what a decent relationship was like until Sean. The guys I dated before him were of the poorest quality of “men” I had ever dated in my life. Abusive (physically, emotionally, verbally), controlling, physically and emotionally unavailable. One of my ex’s hated me so much he would avoid my phone calls and text messages. Another ex made sure that I was nothing more than a rebound. I was so used to meaning nothing to everyone that when someone amazing came around that wanted to talk to me, that didn’t abuse me, that loved me and accepted me it was as if my prayers were answered. My soul mate had come to make all those past pains go away and make me happy forever. 

My story didn’t end with a happy ending. It never really even had an ending. It just … stopped. I was thrown away. I should have seen it while we were together. All the signs were there. I wasn’t the first person he so easily “disposed” of. I was one of many and I know I’m not the last.

I always wondered what a “soul mate” was. I had never found anyone that I could connect with on a level as deep as what they say you connect on. I always thought, and still do, that Sean and I were soul mates. I still find myself crying for him. Even at moment when I shouldn’t. It’s like my soul and heart cry out for him. Like they know something is missing. No matter how much I tell myself “he’s gone, move on and let go.” My heart and soul refuse to believe it. They still cry for him. And then I start to.

I feel fortunate to have the people in my life that have been supportive though this nightmarish breakup. One person that I haven’t mentioned is Chris. I started talking to him only a few short months after Sean and I broke up. We’ve been an official couple for nearly a month and I feel this deep sense of guilt. I feel like I was passed onto him with a message of “she’s way to broken, take her and fix her if you want. If not just throw her away.” Sometimes I feel like he’s on a mission to make me better. That he sees this shattered person and he will do anything to fix me. And I feel like I don’t deserve it. So many people passed me up. So many people just tossed me aside. They were to “busy” to date. They “didn’t want” a girlfriend. Or some other crock of shit like that. And then there’s Chris. The only person that really does deserve the best. Some days I feel like I’ll never be my best. Not again. 

Sometimes I wish I could express how sorry I feel that he was handed this broken person that will always be nothing more than “damaged goods”. Someone that won’t love again, someone that refuses to dream past today, someone that hurts more than words could ever fully express. Someone that will never be “good enough.”

I have hope to one day be good enough for me.