I’ve been slacking when it comes to blogging. My mind never stops racing, it’s just taking the time out of my busy life to sit and actually put my thoughts into words. Usually it all just flows but I find myself jumbling more and more of my thoughts up into one great big cluster-fuck of thoughts. What else is new.
As I drove home yesterday many thoughts crossed my mind in the 20 minute drive from Naugutuck to Meriden. I thought about how much I have changed. How I’m not this ignorant selfless martyr I once was. How I’ve brought my focus back on myself and MY happiness. I don’t go out of my way for ANYONE. I’m far to busy for that. How I have some sense of stability with having my job. I really want to look for another job. Preferably better pay in another state. But I dunno. My hopes in moving to Alaska is still in me. To move far away from all the bad this place has and start fresh. The only good thing I have in CT I can literally count on 1 hand. (that’s pretty sad). I love it here, but hate what it represents. All the pain and heartache I have endured makes it tough to see any good here.
Another thing I thought about was… Isabella. My heart and soul. The little rat that made each day worth living. She made me smile even on my worst of days. She was my first (rat) love. She made me feel like nothing else mattered outside of her. I would take her to the park, walk with her on my shoulder or in my hood. Talk to her about my day. Take drives with her in her carrier on the passenger seat. Isabella was my girl. And then she died. And along with her passing a piece of my heart went with her. I cried so hard I thought I would never stop. I felt this ache in my chest that made me wonder if I could ever love another rat, person… ANYTHING like I love her. She was my sunshine that made my very existence worth living.
Sean was my Isabella. And I wonder if I could ever love a person the way I love him. I have no dreams of getting married, no desire to have kids, no hope in including any guy in my future plans. Since his departure my outlook on everything has changed. I don’t include anyone in my plans to travel, I’ll go at it alone. I don’t want to plan a life with anyone because they’ll just leave me. I avoid sharing “happy moments” with anyone so to not look back and miss that person. I was left far more broken and hurt then I think anyone will ever understand. 9.5 months have passed and I still cry. I still wish I had closure I still want my goodbye. I wonder if that number that called me all those months ago was him. I never bothered to call it but I did find out it was a Verizon carrier that lived in Meriden and was a cell phone.
Recently it was brought to my attention that (apparently) I am a bundle of negativity. I must say this isn’t very accurate but the individual that pointed this out to me has yet to see me at my best (for good reason mind you. Few have earned that right) at the moment my worst is shining at full blast and I’m just fine with that. Mainly because, if you don’t like me at my worst you don’t deserve to see me at my best.
This time last year I was at my best. I was working full time, I was so happy. Looking forward to my trip to Vegas and I loved my boyfriend deeply. We had our weekly sushi night and I couldn’t ask for more. It was a very simple life but I appreciated it. If someone told me that a year from that point I would be feeling how I’m feeling right now I would have never ever believed them.
I’m at my lowest. The lowest I have been in around 6 years. I’m heart broken and still very depressed. Most people don’t see the magnitude of my depression, but I cry… a lot. I feel lonely a lot. I wish I could escape nearly every single day. The only thing I have to look forward to right now is seeing my Best friend (Dan) in March. I have nothing else. So right now, that’s what I’m holding onto. To have one day, just one day were no one else matters. Were we can be stupid and be ourselves. After knowing one another for 10 years and not seeing each other for 6 years I’m really excited to spend time with him again. I miss him.
There is absolutely no way I can dare to bring up Isabella without mentioning Alchemy.
Many years ago when I first got introduced to rats I heard of a very very rare type of rat called the BEW. (Black eyed white) hard to find where I live. I had spent around 5 years dreaming that I could find such a beautiful looking rat. Soft white fur with black eyes and dumbo ears. Well of course I could never find one. Until one day my friend called me about an Ooops litter a rat she was taking care of had. She said there was a BEW. I doubted her due to their rarity, but when I saw this little 3 week old white itty bitty little boy with big huge dumbo ears and big black eyes it was as if my dream had come true. I was the happiest person alive. I fell so in love with him it’s as if he and I were meant to be together. I was so excited to bring him and his two brothers home. I would visit him throughout the week and he would fall asleep on me or in my hands. I was on cloud 9. I brought him home and noticed his tummy wasn’t normal. I rushed him to the Emergency Vet and found out he had MC (Mega Colon). There was nothing they could do for him. He was going to die a slow and painful death. I just looked at him and knew what I had to do. Alchemy died in my hands. I again cried until it felt like all I had left to shed was blood. My beloved baby boy that I spent 5 years dreaming of was gone. I would never get to see him grow up.
I never thought I could love again. I thought that after Isabella my heart would never be able to feel so much love for anything . But it did. That’s why I have faith that one day I might actually love another person again. Even though I never stopped loving Isabella I still managed to fall so in love with Alchemy.
RIP To all my loves. We will meet again.
She got it damn right.
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