Dreams to Dream

Last night I had a dream that felt incredibly close to reality. It was the very first dream I have ever had with Sean in it. In my dream I remember feeling so incredibly happy when I saw him. I hugged him and it was as if all my hopes and dreams had come true. I don’t remember much from the dream but I remember I felt that same joy that I did when we would spend time together. That feeling of being complete. Like nothing else mattered outside of that moment. 

Then I woke up and the joy went away. I wanted to cry because it was gone. I tried really hard today to have a good day. I went to the movies and saw “The Vow” that might I add made me want to cry harder. And then the entire weekend that I had just spent around $150 on went to hell. In the snap of the fingers. I try and try and try but nothing I do will ever be good enough. It’s like I constantly need to do more and be more and who I am isn’t good enough. I feel emotionally, mentally and physically drained. Like I have absolutely nothing left to give.

I came home and have yet to eat. I’m incredibly depressed. All I want to do is cry but my head hurts too much and my eyes hurt too. It’s one of those days I wish I was single. One of those days that could have been totally avoided if no one else was in my life. I could pick and choose whose emotional crap I feel like dealing with and what day and what time. I never signed up to get yelled at. I never signed up to have my car suffer for someone’s temper tantrum. I never signed up to be told they wish I was rapped and dead and that I’m a bitch. No one deserves such bi-polar verbal abuse. I’m so much better then this. I deserve to be spoiled with an amazing guy that takes me out and does little things. Someone expressive and loving. Someone hardworking, dedicated and is my equal. In many many ways. 

I deserve all that, but will I ever get it? All arrows point to “in your dreams Lisa”. Exactly. In my dreams. That’s where my true happiness lies. In a place I can never truly be happy. But if having to have a dream means I’m happy for a fraction of a moment, I’ll take it. I’ll take anything that gets me out of this reality filled with so much pain.