Ok… it’s more like “I’m a total bitch.” And I’m 100% a-ok with that. I like being who I am. If I was anyone else I would be fake and lord knows I’m against any fakeness. I had a friend that was extremely fake. Where did that leave her? She didn’t know who she was and no one wanted her. I would rather be single and know who I am then with someone and be totally unsure of myself.
I haven’t posted much recently. I haven’t had anything new to say. Just the same old blah blah blah. All I do is work, go home, go to bed and go back to work. It’s pretty much the same old same old. But I’m a creature of habit so this makes my life all that much easier. Keeps my anxiety at bay.
I deleted several “friends” (42 to be exact) from my FB list. I did it because these are people I don’t see OR talk to nor do I have any desire to do so. Some of the people are from my past. When I was a teen and had these foolish dreams that the 4 of us (a group of 4 friends) would one day buy a house and live in harmony. Well … that went to hell in a hand basket. One came out of the closet and only wanted to associate with other gay individuals, like being straight was suddenly a BAD thing. The other got into, and still is into, hard drugs and started (knowingly) spreading a deadly STD and the last one became insanely and psychotically obsessed with a guy that drove her to pretty much insanity.
Then there is me. The one that just wanted to not be part of the “in crowed”. Infact, I did everything to never be part of all that drama. I’m too low key and drama free for all that. I lead a simple life. Party free, drug free, alcohol free, drama free life. It’s simple and yes… BORING but I’m happy this way.
I’ve been discriminated and rejected by some of the people I thought would never hurt me. Including my own father.
Speaking of… my father. Heh… the one person that seems to haunt my memories. Since I have such few to reference to it seems sad to even think of him as ever being a part of my life. I don’t remember much of him being around. I remember 18 years of missed Christmas’s and missed birthdays though. And the fact that he never comes to see me. He goes and sees my half sister (his favorite) but not once comes to see my brother and I. It’s as if just because we’re adults he has the right to check out of our lives. Yeah well… he checked out when we were just children.
Your dad is supposed to be the first male you love. The first male to make you feel safe and secure and loved. To accept you through thick and thin. To listen and support you. I never had that. All I know about guys is what I’ve experienced. The losers, liars, lazy, good for nothing ass holes. I don’t remember ever feeling safe and happy. And the one and only time I did it left.
I used to dream of a day that I see my “family” and my friends in one place. All surrounding me. And I would be so happy because I would have all the important people in my life there. But my “family” is gone and my friends have taken their place. I depend more on my friends then I ever would on my “family”.
I remember I actually wanted to get married and have kids. Yup. I actually wanted to pro-create. I had this great big, amazing, successful, happy family planned out. All for me. And it was going to be perfect. And then it went away. When he walked away, he took my dreams, goals and hopes along with him.
I don’t dream anymore. Or have goals beyond RIGHT NOW. I don’t want to get married and I most certainly do NOT want to have kids. I would never want another person to suffer like I have.
Right now, it’s all day by day. I live day by day. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I always hope it’s just a tiny bit better then today.
Slowly things are getting better for me. And I hope that they continue to improve. After struggling for 5 years, sacrificing EVERYTHING, I’m FINALLY getting some stability back in my life. I have yearned to have stability for so long that it hurts.
If I’m really lucky I can move out and get the kitty I want so so badly. Have my own small apartment, just my pets and me. Work to survive I suppose. That’s what I want. To eventually get to a point that I can live alone and be happy.
Like I said, I don’t want to get married or have kids. That involves another person being in the picture and lord knows that’s the last thing I need OR want. I’m a loner, a home body by nature. I’m quiet and a deep thinker. To some people this seems far from what they have seen of me, if they only knew how I am, not what I show them.
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