I'm taking a chance, letting you inside

Two years have passed since Sean walked out of my life. A lot has happened in the past 2 years.

For a while I held off, praying he would come back. At one point I thought he did. An unfamiliar number called me, just 4 or so months after he left. I didn't pick up. They didn't leave a message either. Deep down inside I knew it was him.
I never called back. To this day, I wonder about it. We've never bumped into one another, but I have seen his parents. I always run up to greet them. I was very close to them both and miss them deeply.
I can't say I regret anything with Sean. In fact, I learned more about a relationship in those 5 months then I had in any of my past relationships (that ranged from 1 month to 3 years long).

The boyfriends I've had in the past would disregard me. No matter how hard I tried to get them to care about me... none of them ever did. I remember having one boyfriend that would forward ALL my calls to his voice mail, because he hated talking to me that much. Another one spent our 6 month anniversary with his (female) best friend playing pool and drinking. And then others would either verbally or emotionally abuse me. I felt like this was the life I was destined to have. One filled with self loathing.

Although Sean caused me the most pain, he ironically, treated me the best.
I feel like Sean really did love me. I have not once doubted that. But I blame his lack of experience and maturity (he's 5 years younger then me) for how he ended things with me.

Two years ago, my heart was broken. I fell into a very deep depression. It carried on for over a year. I was on and off certain anti- depressants. I with drew from my friends, locked myself away from the world. I picked up some old "reckless" habits, that I am not proud of. I dated guys that were either bums or scum of the earth. I made sure to keep myself from growing any emotional attachment to anyone I dated. I wasn't ready to be in a relationship.

Back in August/September 2012 I started walking to someone. I was still on my "keep every guy at an arms length away" kick and I was pretty bitchy to him from the start (it was merely a defense mechanism). While keeping my guard up it didn't take long before I pushed him away. Once simple misunderstanding and we were on each others "shit list". I forgot about him and moved on.

I celebrated Christmas and New years alone. I kept to myself, went on some very disappointing dates.
In February of this year I started seeing someone who was more guarded then I ever was. He had a very sarcastic side. I did not appreciate this whatsoever. But I tried my hardest to see past it. After he said he would call me on Friday and never contacted me until Tuesday I decided to wipe my hands clean of him. He was too broken and too unreliable.

On St. Patrick's day (3-17-13) I reached out to that same guy I spoke to back in August/September. Totally forgetting why we stopped talking I sent him a message. My guard was FINALLY down and I was open to seeing were things went (yes, with someone I deeply disliked at one point). We got to talking and had some great conversations. After just a few weeks and spending some time together we became a couple and that's who I am currently with.

It's funny how things work out. I feel like I have known him for years and years. I can't imagine living one day with out him in it. He restored my faith in people. And has made me see that all those "mistakes" in my past weren't mistakes, they were lessons. Lessons that maybe I wouldn't have learned if they didn't hurt so bad. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I couldn't have dreamed of a better boyfriend if I tried. To me, he's perfect and I wouldn't change a single thing about him. Other then I wish he lived closer. But that will be fixed over time.

Looking back, I'm so grateful to all those guys that treated me like shit and all those relationships that never worked out. It all lead me to the here and now.

It all lead me to him.

Yeah this kinda sums things up for me.