I haven't bothered writing in a while. Not much has happened. Just the same old bull shit.
Today as I was driving home from picking up a few things at the grocery store I was tagged in some pictures of my dad.
I don't talk to my dad much or talk about him at all. It's tough because I do have a very heavy heart when it comes to him. I can't talk about or think about him with out bursting out in tears. I think about when he left and how I felt. It was 20 years ago but not one day goes by that I don't relive that day in my mind. I know it was the hardest choice he had ever had to make. Leaving a place he loved and his 2 kids he loved too. But medically he had no other options. His health has deteriorated DRAMATICALLY in the past 20 years and it kills me.
At this point the only way my father can live is if another person dies. A person that can donate his liver. I wish with every fiber in my body I could give him mine. That I would die and he could live. I have said that for so long now that it disgusts me that It has yet to happen. I have nothing. I have no husband, no children, no family that would give a shit. My dad has 4 other kids, 2 grandchildren and a wife that loves him deeply. My greatest contribution would be that. If my life is to mean anything it's to have me die and him live.
I do think about it. Getting into a car accident or something and having a letter specifically stating I want all my organs given to people in need and my liver to my father. I have just a few people that would miss me. But it's not enough.
Why does it have to be my dad?! Why can't it be some bum or drug user or killer or rapist or murderer... why my dad?! it's not fair. He missed out on 20 years of my life and he's going to miss out of my wedding if I get married, on seeing my kids grow, on just being there. People wonder why I don't believe in God or why I don't pray or go to church. THIS IS WHY!? My dad isn't supposed to be dieing. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to have a family. I was supposed to be happy.
I wasn't meant to be this broken.
No matter what happens, I want to remember my father happy.
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