Hitting an all time low

In the past few days I've been finding myself breaking down more and more. Being unable to focus and just feeling really emotional. I'm falling into (yet another) deep depression. Even as I type this I can't seem to stop crying.
For months I was able to keep my depression in check with the help of my Lexapro. I'm far more edgy and emotional as of recently. I'm gonna call my P-doc on Monday and make an appointment ASAP. I need to either be put on an additional anti-depressant, upped on the ones I'm on or be put on something else that's stronger. 

It's been 2 month since Sean and I broke up and I still yearn for him. I find myself missing all the smallest things that annoyed the hell out of me. Like how he would hold my hand so tight that it would hurt. Or how he would hug me all the time and kiss me and wouldn't do anything unless I was by his side. How he would text me every morning and every night before bed. How his eyes would change color or his smile and how soft his skin always was. I would give up anything, change everything just to have him back. I just want him back so badly. I feel this huge empty void in my heart like everything that meant something to me is gone. I have been trying my hardest to reach out to people, meet new people, go out, keep myself busy but no matter what happens my mind seems to go back to Sean. And I feel this ache in my chest and I break down.


I avoided driving my car for the past 2 months because it reminds me of him. I look at the passenger seat and I feel so sad. I want him back. I just want him back more then anything else.


So I just took this quiz thing online about this thing called "Heart Survey". This was the result (pretty accurate if you ask me.)

You fall into a pretty high category of pain. I understand this is an extremely difficult time, but there is still hope for you to feel better – and soon. Below is a quick summary of your results followed by a custom healing lesson which will start your healing today.

1 – You are suffering from Emptiness.Your mind, body, and heart are basically saying to you, “Hey, what’s the point of any of this without him or her?” The reason it is so painful is that more than loneliness, you are feeling emptiness.

2 – You are experiencing the Reminder Syndrome. You may not be able to get your ex, the break, up and the pain out of your mind for more than a few minutes at a time. There are subconscious triggers of your ex everywhere including songs, smells, objects, and much more.

3 – Negative thoughts - you can’t seem to shake them. Why did this happen (again)? I’m never going to meet anyone. The thought of dating again makes me want to vomit. Don’t worry, you are not alone and there is a simple and powerful method to combat these thoughts.

4 – Loss of a possible soulmate. It seems that you believe that you have lost the person that was the one for you. The one you had been waiting for, the person that made you whole, that made you who you are and wanted to be. I want to tell you that even in this situation, it is possible to heal, to have hope, and to live a vibrant life again.

I still want Sean back. I know that no matter what, I won't be moving on from this for a very long time. 

This is the truth... this is my life.

"... how are you single?"

Guys ask me this a LOT. Usually it begins with "wow, you're so pretty..." followed by "how are you single?"
Clearly when someone good looking is single you also have to wonder what sort of defect they have. I, for one, don't have any sort of defect. Except for the fact that I keep dating the worst of the worst. And then when I find a good guy I'm so screwed up (post-break up) that I don't want to date. So once I'm all emotionally patched up I start dating the same type of asshole I was with before, and the cycle continues.

It doesn't help that I'm KINDA picky. It's hard to go backwards when you have already had "the best". 
One thing I know, that seems to always play a factor in the "dating world" is my life style choice. And by that I mean being a Vegetarian. You would think that it's no big deal. But to every other person it's such an inconvenience. Like I'm forcing them to be just like me. I never EVER tell someone that they have to be like me to date me. That's horrible. But recently I've noticed it getting harder for me (personally).
For instance, I got a text message from someone saying they were and Buffalo Wild Wings. I informed them that I have never had it. That I'm a Vegetarian.Then the text I get back is "oh it's soooooo good." I pretty much looked at the text with pure disgust. I replied with "I'll pass."

 Sometimes I wish I could find some amazing guy that had everything I'm looking for AND is a Vegetarian. It would be great to be with someone like me. Someone that could relate to the social challenges and even the ones with in (as far as family and some friends).

For the first time in my life, I feel so alone in being a Vegetarian. Like no one can really accept me for me and that they have to rub the fact that I'm different in my face. I'm proud of who I am and  would never turn my back on Vegetarianism because of the ignorant twits in society. Life is just tougher for me then most people think. I never EVER talk about it because it is my personal struggle but I wish more people would show me the respect that I deserve.

If things keep up the way they have been I'm going to be becoming incredibly bitter towards people that eat meat and absolutely refuse to date anyone that eats meat. I would much rather live alone then be with someone that can't treat me with respect. I've even turned my back on my own FAMILY due to there lack of respect. Who says I wouldn't do the same to other people?

No one, and I mean NO ONE is worth me forsaking MY beliefs over.

My Anthem!

Not to long ago I heard this song. It's a GREAT song but I like the way that she pretty much says that the person that hurt her will regret it in the future. That's EXACTLY what has happened to me every single time!

I thought of Sean immediatly. Jay & Andy aswell. I guess if anyone wants to hear this amazing song here is the video with the lyrics.
Enjoy!!

The power lines went out
And I am all alone
But I don't really care at all
Not answering my phone
All the games you played
The promises you made
Couldn't finish what you started
Only darkness still remains

Lost sight
Couldn't see
When it was you and me

Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be all right

Been black and blue before
There's no need to explain
I am not the jaded kind
Playback's such a waste
You're invisible, invisible to me
My wish is coming true
Erase the memory of your face

Lost sight
Couldn't see
When it was you and me

Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be all right

One day
You will wake up
With nothing but your sorrys
And someday
You will get back
Everything you gave me

Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be all right

My tragic flaw

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was that said that- probably Shakespeare or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw, my inability to change. I don't think that I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I  realize it's kind of everyone's flaw.

Staying exactly the same, for as long as possible, standing perfectly still. It feels better somehow; and if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected, who knows what other pain might be waiting out there?

Chances are, it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo, choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad - not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict, you're not killing anyone - except maybe your self a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing that most people wouldn't even notice unless they look really really close, which thank god, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference, and you hope that it is, that this is the person you'll get to be forever, that you'll never have to change again.

. 

Sean called me.......

Yup. I think he tried calling me. A number came up that isn't in my phone  but looked VERY familiar. I was asleep when this person called. They left no message but I'm around 90% sure it's Sean.

Seriously! wtf! (if this is him) why the hell does he decide to come slithering back into my life right when I'm doing so much better?! I don't want him back. If I did I would call that number. But my fear is that it is him and that he will say some ass kissing shit that will make me get all girlie and emotional. I have no desire to speak to him. Unless he wants his shit back. I would gladly give him all his stuff. But I need ALL my stuff back too.

Why do guys do this? They must time it juuuuuust right. So that right when you're picking up the pieces of your heart, stitching it back together, starting to let go... then BAM! you hear from them. It ... SUCKS!

So... I went on this date yesterday with Adam (the guy with the super sexy car that I'm in love with). The entire time I was thinking of someone else. Adam is such a bland person that I was bored. I didn't enjoy myself AT ALL. My heart just wasn't in it. And apparently neither was my head. Because my thoughts kept on drifting. I won't be seeing OR talking to him again. I'm gonna miss that car. :(

Then there's Joe. The person that has been after me for over a year. We lost touch, got back in touch, lost touch, got back in touch. He dated someone else. I dated Sean. Well I was supposed to go out with him today. But I cancled because I am taking some time off. I'm no longer hung up on Sean (THANK GOD!) but I like someone else that's a billion times better then Sean. BUT... he doesn't want me either.
Seriously... can someone just smack some sense into me?! LOFL!

I guess with my free time I'm gonna just work, take care of my pets, keep up with my hammie making hobbie, go to the gym, do ZUMBA! and just be alone. I learned from my mistake. Don't take people for granted. Don't be afraid to get hurt, especially if you're already hurt, you have nothing to loose and something to gain. And be honest. Always... be honest.

I do have something to look forward to. I'm going to NYC in September and... that's not even the best part... I GET TO SEE MY BESTEST FRIEND!!!! Dan!! I miss him soooo badly! I love him! I miss him! and it's gonna be amazing to just hang out again after all these years apart. I'm gonna just remind myself that in just a couple months I'm gonna be happy again. Even if it is for just one day.

This is my "fuck up" song. Been listening to it a LOT!

Song Meaning: this song is about this person and he started becoming someone he's not and he now realizes it and is now regretting that he was ever that person he was. He also said something to someone he shouldn't of and now they see him different. And he wishes he never became the person they see him as now.

Remember me.... (goodbye my 'almost' lover)

I've thought about typing up a new blog but every time I try to my mind goes blank. It's almost as if I have so much to say that it all gets jumbled up in my head.

It's the 4th of July weekend and as expected it's been a pretty depressing and lonely weekend. I hate holidays. It's like a reminder of everything everyone else has (family, close friends etc) and everything I don't have (family). I know it's something I talk about and fixate over but it's really tough not to when it's all around you. When everyone is going to the park/beach/cook out with their family. Instead of going some place I'm staying home. I would rather be doing that then seeing other people enjoying their lives while I question mine.
It's been nearly 6 weeks since things came to an end between Sean and I. I want to say it's gotten easier but it hasn't. I still feel sad and still cry. I still wish things worked out. I know that it was for the best. I knew it was doomed from the start. A 5 year age gap and his immaturity played a MAJOR factor in things ending. I was happy with him. The happiest I had ever been in any relationship. He loved me. I loved him. We were so close. I could tell him anything. We spent 5 days out of the week together. We were the perfect couple... or so I thought.

 

I like to think I fixed him. That like so many other people I've gotten involved with I start seeing them, fix them (have it be, getting over an ex, feeling empowered to better themselves, make improvments in their surroundings etc) and them leave. I'm pretty much only in their lives for a set amount of time and once they are ok again I go away to help someone else. The cycle goes on and on. I've done that with A LOT of people.
Not with Sean. We fixed each other. I was so incredibly broken hearted when he got to me. I had just been used up and thrown out with the trash  only weeks prior and then he came along and made me feel loved. He showed me that I had value and that I did matter. I encouraged him to work hard at school and better himself and believe in himself. I should have known that through it all I would end up having to say good-bye. After all the "fixing" was done. A part of me wants to wait. Wait until he does come back... if at all. Who knows how long that would be. I remember he told me that he wishes we met when he was done with school (this coming October.) The day before we broke up he said that I deserve to be with someone else. Someone that had time for me, someone that could make me happy. I should have known.

I wonder if I'll ever feel as happy with someone as I felt with him. I worry that I won't so why even bother. Why put in time/feeling/energy into something/someone when it will all come crashing down in the end. I know I'm a strong person and I'll get through all this, like I have in the past but there's always that desire to just give up all together.

In many ways I have given up. I refuse to go out with guys. I make plans and back out. Two guys have made plans with me 3 times each and I have backed out every single time. I've been asked out by more guys then I can count and I just ignore them or turn them down. The guy Andy that I was talking to 1.5 years ago decided that NOW is a good time for him to date so he's been texting me non-stop wanting me to give him a chance. I just shrug my shoulders and press "delete".

I hope all this passes. That I'm able to give someone a real chance instead of going out once and pulling away. Oh! "Shelton" got a hold of me (again). Asked me out for today. I never replied. I was soooo into him. But if I hear from him 1-2 times a week he's not good enough to date me. Put some energy into it. I'm not someone that can be picked up and put down like some fucking toy. I deserve the best.

Poor "Shelton". He was an ok looking guy, decent personality, got along ok. But he lacked a few things I'm looking for. That I won't bother listing. He was like 26 so automatically he's disqualified. I'm becoming WAAAAY more stringent on age. I'm willing to bend on something else but NOT age.

Well enough rambling about all that. I'm sure it's getting old and much like beating a dead horse, pointless. I'm gonna go play my Xbox 360. After all it helps get my mind off things, even for a little while.