Remember me.... (goodbye my 'almost' lover)

I've thought about typing up a new blog but every time I try to my mind goes blank. It's almost as if I have so much to say that it all gets jumbled up in my head.

It's the 4th of July weekend and as expected it's been a pretty depressing and lonely weekend. I hate holidays. It's like a reminder of everything everyone else has (family, close friends etc) and everything I don't have (family). I know it's something I talk about and fixate over but it's really tough not to when it's all around you. When everyone is going to the park/beach/cook out with their family. Instead of going some place I'm staying home. I would rather be doing that then seeing other people enjoying their lives while I question mine.
It's been nearly 6 weeks since things came to an end between Sean and I. I want to say it's gotten easier but it hasn't. I still feel sad and still cry. I still wish things worked out. I know that it was for the best. I knew it was doomed from the start. A 5 year age gap and his immaturity played a MAJOR factor in things ending. I was happy with him. The happiest I had ever been in any relationship. He loved me. I loved him. We were so close. I could tell him anything. We spent 5 days out of the week together. We were the perfect couple... or so I thought.

 

I like to think I fixed him. That like so many other people I've gotten involved with I start seeing them, fix them (have it be, getting over an ex, feeling empowered to better themselves, make improvments in their surroundings etc) and them leave. I'm pretty much only in their lives for a set amount of time and once they are ok again I go away to help someone else. The cycle goes on and on. I've done that with A LOT of people.
Not with Sean. We fixed each other. I was so incredibly broken hearted when he got to me. I had just been used up and thrown out with the trash  only weeks prior and then he came along and made me feel loved. He showed me that I had value and that I did matter. I encouraged him to work hard at school and better himself and believe in himself. I should have known that through it all I would end up having to say good-bye. After all the "fixing" was done. A part of me wants to wait. Wait until he does come back... if at all. Who knows how long that would be. I remember he told me that he wishes we met when he was done with school (this coming October.) The day before we broke up he said that I deserve to be with someone else. Someone that had time for me, someone that could make me happy. I should have known.

I wonder if I'll ever feel as happy with someone as I felt with him. I worry that I won't so why even bother. Why put in time/feeling/energy into something/someone when it will all come crashing down in the end. I know I'm a strong person and I'll get through all this, like I have in the past but there's always that desire to just give up all together.

In many ways I have given up. I refuse to go out with guys. I make plans and back out. Two guys have made plans with me 3 times each and I have backed out every single time. I've been asked out by more guys then I can count and I just ignore them or turn them down. The guy Andy that I was talking to 1.5 years ago decided that NOW is a good time for him to date so he's been texting me non-stop wanting me to give him a chance. I just shrug my shoulders and press "delete".

I hope all this passes. That I'm able to give someone a real chance instead of going out once and pulling away. Oh! "Shelton" got a hold of me (again). Asked me out for today. I never replied. I was soooo into him. But if I hear from him 1-2 times a week he's not good enough to date me. Put some energy into it. I'm not someone that can be picked up and put down like some fucking toy. I deserve the best.

Poor "Shelton". He was an ok looking guy, decent personality, got along ok. But he lacked a few things I'm looking for. That I won't bother listing. He was like 26 so automatically he's disqualified. I'm becoming WAAAAY more stringent on age. I'm willing to bend on something else but NOT age.

Well enough rambling about all that. I'm sure it's getting old and much like beating a dead horse, pointless. I'm gonna go play my Xbox 360. After all it helps get my mind off things, even for a little while.