He's just not that into... ME!

I recently reentered the nightmarish world of dating. It hasn't been THAT bad, but I've always thought that it would be nice to just meet the person I'm supposed to be with and have that be that. Life just isn't that simple.

I've dated all kinds....
the over emotional, still attached to his ex, prissy, mama's boy. - Oh that was a roller coaster of fun! The emotionally detached, silent, boring, cut throat, abusive douch bag. - That did wonders on my self-esteem by the way.
The unemployed, unmotivated, uneducated, unambitious sad excuse for a human being. - I would rather be alone.

 It's almost like, no matter what I can't catch a break. I've never been the type of person that needed the "hot" guy (if I so happen to find that then GREAT!). I would rather just have an average all around, loyal, affectionate, hard working, funny guy. Believe it or not... it's damn near impossible (if not, totally impossible) to find this kind of guy. They tend to have some other weird flaw. Like being unemployed (for more then 3 months, no excuse! get a job!) a drunk, clingy, crazy, controlling, boring, no car/license... or... has emotional baggage.

Geesh! emotional baggage is one of the worst things a guy can have. I dated a guy that was hung up over his ex. Clearly she didn't love him because she cheated on him and she turned down his marriage proposal and broke up with him. I dunno... that's a pretty good sign that you should move on. Even after like 4 years he was still hung up on her. HELLO! move on! that's just pathetic.
I have loved 2 people and was forced to let them go. After Sean I never wanted to love again. But I did. I have absolutely no regrets. I could easily be like the guys I've met and let these people define me. I refuse to. I'm better and stronger then that. I just don't understand how anyone could go years with hate and anger in their heart. Let it go! I have no hard feelings for ANYONE that I have dated and has hurt me. I want the best for them and hope that they are happy.

Besides all that there isn't much to update.

Flying out on Sunday. I CAN'T WAIT! Las Vegas here I come!

I'm pretty sure I mentioned this but I'm on new meds. I'm on Lexapro and Abilify. I have to take both of them. And they are working great. In fact I have so much energy I can't seem to get tired. All I want to do is clean or cook or do something. The meds are definitely helping me cope with certain things in my life.

My friends have seen a positive change in me. Thank goodness :D
I won't give up on anything. Not the dating world, not the working world, not the ... ANYTHING. I got way to much faith to let anything keep me down. I know I'm going to find someone amazing. And I'm going to find a great job and move out. I refuse to let some set backs keep me from my goals. I'm going to lose weight, feel great and have a great year :)

Until next time blog readers... BYE BYE!!

This is kinda how I feel ....

Disappointed + Silence = ....

All I wanted today was someone to talk to. It seemed like the only people I actually wanted to talk to were far to busy to take 10 minutes out of their day to listen to me and just be there. I feel really alone right now. I just want to cry. Actually, that's exactly what I'm doing.

 I feel so disappointed in the VERY LIMITED number of people I want to say I feel like confiding into. I may have the capacity to stand alone. I did it for years at a time in the past, but that's not a life style I want to lead. It's the past I thought I left far behind me. Clearly I was wrong. Today was a horrible and lonely day for me. I thought I was going to go out with my friend, that didn't happen, I thought I was going to get a hold of someone about a position... that didn't happen.

Nothing worked out as expected. So I'm going to take my meds and call it a night. I'm so hurt and disappointed by the select people I wanted to talk to. After tonight I've made the choice to just keep things to myself. To not bother texting or calling anyone.

I just want to find one person that cares about me as much as I care about them and they actually show it. I won't give up. I know he's out there. And I will find him. Until then... I'll remain alone.

Won't let this keep me down

Well... well.. well.... how things can take a very rapid nose dive in just the course of 72 hours. Sad, if you think about it.
I'm pretty sure no one reads this so I'm going to go on ahead and just spill my guts.

I left my job at LogistiCare (that I hated with every fiber in my body) to take a chance at a new job that WAS NOT a guarantee. So I took the leap and sure enough... it backfired right in my face. After just two days I was let go. Why? I have no fucking clue. I didn't get a reason, just a phone call letting me know they no longer needed me. I felt absolutely devastated and emotional. All I wanted was to cry my eyes out and I did... a few times already in fact.

This morning (at 5am to be exact) I jumped online and applied to 30 jobs. I dug up the name and information of someone that may be able to help me out. And I found a placed that is having a job fair in North Haven on Tuesday. I'm going to make sure and not let this keep me down. I'm better then that. I'm determined to find something else. Soon. I'm hard working and will give 110% to any job.

I'm trying to think of it as ... it wasn't meant to be. Like so many other things in my life that didn't work out, for whatever reason, it just wasn't meant to be. I'm EXTREMELY lucky to have a really supportive mom (that will not leave me alone about moving to FL with her next year) and some great friends that are really being there for me. I'm so grateful to each and every person that has listened to me and have encouraged me to not give up.

Thank you.

So... for now I'm ... (dare I say it)... Unemployed. *cring* I feel like a total bum. Ew... I'm exactly what I'm against. Funny how that shit happens huh? Well... unlike all the bums I've met I'm being proactive and applying like crazy and putting things in motion to the best of my ability. So I guess I'm better. LOL.

Ok so I better get to some of the things I need to take care of today. Like cleaning. Since shopping is totally OUT OF THE QUESTION. Until I have an income again. That I'm praying will be soon.

I'm just a happy mess

I'm taking a break from cleaning. I got most of it done. Now I have a few loads of laundry to do and some bathroom scrubbing. Not looking forward to any of that whatsoever.

This past week flew by and I can't wait for Wednesday. I have TONS of stuff I need to do and I'm praying my new job doesn't want me to start until THURSDAY. Or even better, next Monday.
As much as I loath my job, I'm going to deeply miss some of the people I have gotten to know. The people I see and speak to on a daily basis. The ones that come to my desk to stop in and say hi. I'm scared to start a new job. I've been at my current one for 1.5 years now and am so used to it that it's like second nature to me, That at one point in time I thought I would never grasp. But like all obstetrical I have been faced with, I have over come.

I'm so scared to start another job and move out and do all these things that I've avoided doing due to fear. I don't want to fail. If I do I have nothing to fall back on. I try not to think about it or talk about it but deep down it consumes me.

Right now, I have no one. My mom that I see 1 day a week and my friends I see here and there. For the past 20 years I have had to celebrate holidays, birthdays, special occasions alone or with 1 or 2 people. I don't know if all that has been preparing me for what's to come but I wish I had more then just 4 or 5 amazing memories to look back on in the past 20 years.

Some people wonder why I am the one that walks around with a camera in my bag. Or I'm snapping pictures with my phone at any given moment. It's because when everyone has walked away and have continued with their lives (that I may or may not be a part of) I can look back on those pictures and know that it was real. That for that moment in time, I was truly happy.

It's kinda sad because a part of me has given up on some of my friends. I've always been the type to make plans and make sure we're going to hang out and all that. Not anymore. I don't make plans, I don't call and I definitely don't text (the texting goes for everyone though). I'm tired of being the one to reach out. So when I get to the point of deleting a persons number, it's not because I don't care it's because I got sick of waiting around. I don't keep people in my life unless they bring good into it.

Today is just another day. Tomorrow is the beginning of my work week and I need to make plans for things to do once I get out of work. Sushi at some point is a must! I better end this. I'm getting to the point of rambling and no one likes that!