I'm just a happy mess

I'm taking a break from cleaning. I got most of it done. Now I have a few loads of laundry to do and some bathroom scrubbing. Not looking forward to any of that whatsoever.

This past week flew by and I can't wait for Wednesday. I have TONS of stuff I need to do and I'm praying my new job doesn't want me to start until THURSDAY. Or even better, next Monday.
As much as I loath my job, I'm going to deeply miss some of the people I have gotten to know. The people I see and speak to on a daily basis. The ones that come to my desk to stop in and say hi. I'm scared to start a new job. I've been at my current one for 1.5 years now and am so used to it that it's like second nature to me, That at one point in time I thought I would never grasp. But like all obstetrical I have been faced with, I have over come.

I'm so scared to start another job and move out and do all these things that I've avoided doing due to fear. I don't want to fail. If I do I have nothing to fall back on. I try not to think about it or talk about it but deep down it consumes me.

Right now, I have no one. My mom that I see 1 day a week and my friends I see here and there. For the past 20 years I have had to celebrate holidays, birthdays, special occasions alone or with 1 or 2 people. I don't know if all that has been preparing me for what's to come but I wish I had more then just 4 or 5 amazing memories to look back on in the past 20 years.

Some people wonder why I am the one that walks around with a camera in my bag. Or I'm snapping pictures with my phone at any given moment. It's because when everyone has walked away and have continued with their lives (that I may or may not be a part of) I can look back on those pictures and know that it was real. That for that moment in time, I was truly happy.

It's kinda sad because a part of me has given up on some of my friends. I've always been the type to make plans and make sure we're going to hang out and all that. Not anymore. I don't make plans, I don't call and I definitely don't text (the texting goes for everyone though). I'm tired of being the one to reach out. So when I get to the point of deleting a persons number, it's not because I don't care it's because I got sick of waiting around. I don't keep people in my life unless they bring good into it.

Today is just another day. Tomorrow is the beginning of my work week and I need to make plans for things to do once I get out of work. Sushi at some point is a must! I better end this. I'm getting to the point of rambling and no one likes that!