Buried myself alive on the inside

The month of August is coming to a close. I can't believe how fast this year is flying by. Feels like just yesterday I was ringing in the new year. Geesh, it's kinda depressing. Soon I'll be 30. I feel SO old. :(

I've made is 3 months. I have had ups and downs. Some days were definitely harder then others. I feel especially sad at the end of the month and on the 11th. I can't say I don't think about him. I do. But it's getting better. I'm re-learning how to live alone again. As much as I may not like being single the selection for men that are "my type" are so small that I might as well just stay single for as long as it takes to find someone great that will love me and accept me for ME.

I think that's what made Sean so great in my eyes. The fact that he did accept me for me. He never made me doubt myself or question anything. We accepted one another.
I fear that no one will ever take me for me. No matter how serious I am or how "lazy" I apparently am (I'll get back to that). It's a very lonely feeling. I feel lonely all the time. I can be in a room filled with people but I still feel lonely.
Or as of recently I've been made to feel like something is wrong with me. Like I need help fixing my personality. I need to "lighten up" or "relax". Well to bad. If you can't take me for me then you aren't worth associating with. I don't like being made to feel like just because I'm different it makes me less important or that I'm this horrible person.

I know I'm not a horrible person. I'm a great person. I'm loyal, honest, very giving, devoted, understanding and a bunch of other things. But I guess when people are judging me and telling me to (pretty much) change, they forget about all my good attributes and only focus on the (supposed) bad ones.
Onto the "lazy" comment. A friend (that shall remain nameless) had the audasity to call me lazy. Now, anyone that knows me, knows that is the farthest thing from the truth. (clearly that goes to show how little he knows me). The conversation went something like this:
he asked me why I had to be home early. I stated that I wanted to cook lunch and get things ready the day before. (such as; make my lunch, get clothes ready, take a shower, feed my pets etc). He then asked if I had time in the morning, I informed him that yes I do. I wake up at 9am and get ready. I leave the house between 10:15 and 10:30 so I can take my time getting to work, get my coffee and make any stops that I might need to make. He IMMEDIATELY jumped down my throat calling me lazy. That I can just do it in the morning and instead of doing it at night I can do it in the morning. By this point I was so emotionally exhausted that I just agreed with him. I agreed that I am lazy and that he's right. I (did just what my father told me to do) and shut up and just took it.

I decided to take my "lazy ass" and just lay low and keep to myself. Do what I have to do and just stay quiet. I'm keeping conversations with said person very very minimum and bare bones. Not getting into detail about anything. He really hurt me and my trust in him is EXTREMELY limited. I don't think it's fair that someone judge me just because I don't do what they think is right in their heads. I have NEVER done that to someone. Nor would I ever. I see things as, do what makes you happy, as long as it gets done. Do it.

Well... I'm gonna take my "lazy" self and take a shower so I can cuddle up in bed and watch Teen Mom. I can't wait to see tonights episode.

Friends Vs. Lovers

Today I made two realizations.
1. I'm holding onto the thought of Sean coming back because it's easier then letting go.
2. My friend and I (that I'm romantically interested in) could never be more then friends.

Both things make me incredibly sad. I'm holding onto the hope that someone will return all because the alternative is worse then the suffering. Deep down I KNOW Sean doesn't love me, I KNOW he has moved onto bigger better things, I KNOW that he's happier with out me in his life. But were does that leave me? If I accept that he's not coming back and move on what will I move on to? It's not like I'm going to win some great big prize, it's not like I'm going to find the meaning of life. What I'll have is nothing more then the feeling of emptiness and reality. And right now reality SUCKS! I know I need to get back in the swing of things and these weird work hour/days isn't helping any. (Tue-Sat 11am-7:30pm) I guess like anything else... it will take time.

I have a friend that I've started seeing differently. I mean I did like him but actually perusing something more then a friendship felt more like a concept then an actual possibility. The other day as I was sitting across from him I thought to myself "wow... I really want to let go of all this emotional shit with Sean because here's this great guy that I really like as more then a friend." I stopped and had to remind myself that HE'S MY FRIEND! I can't think of something so... messed up like that. So I brushed the thought away and continued with whatever conversation he and I were having.
Last night he decided it would be a good idea to lecture me about my job, that mind you... he knows NOTHING about. After listening to him I gave my two cents that he didn't appreciate and he promptly hung up the phone on me. I looked at my phone, shrugged my shoulders and went to bed.
Today we finally talked after I got out of work. I realized I can't talk to him about Sean OR my job. That brings our conversation topics down to the weather and sports. Both of which I don't care for. After we talked about last night and I heard him out when it came to pretty much everything and anything about my life that has absolutely nothing to do with him I came to the conclusion that we could never be more then friends. And the realization just brought me to tears. It made me feel so sad and wished that things were different. That he and I could see eye to eye. That we both weren't so bull headed and stubborn that he would shut the hell up and stop giving his fucking POV on everything and anything that comes his way. All I want is for someone to listen, not tell me what I should and shouldn't do. That's something that he could never be and I feel horrible. And wish things were different. I think about him and how days have passed since I last saw him and how happy I am when I am with him and talking to him is easy (sometimes) and how much he means to me, even after the short amount of time we've had to know each other. I just wish things weren't this way.

I'm angry at him and angry at myself because two broken people can't fix themselves let alone each other.

I'm getting way to emotional and crying WAY to hard so I'm going to end this on a note about food.
Why is it that when you don't expect something to come out good you make the least of it and it comes out amazing? For example, tonight I made mashed potatoes for me to take to work. all I did was cut up 1 potato and put it to boil. Well I dunno what I did different because that was the best mashed potatoes I've ever had. So... I ate it and made something else for work tomorrow. Next time... I'll make more.

T.M.I

I guess it's time that I just shut up about Sean. It has been 2.5 months and I have gone through periods were I do not bring him up at all. Other times it's all I talk/think about. But it seems that after some conversations with people it really is time that I take how I feel and what I think and just lock it away. Keep everything to myself, including my suffering. Put on a facade and pretend that everything is a-ok, even if deep down inside all I want to do is cry.
I start seeing a new therapist on Monday so I hope that I can at least talk to her about how things are going and open up because I feel like everyone is telling me to let go and move on when all I want to do is hold on for just a little longer "just in case".
I don't expect anyone to understand, especially the people that have had it "easy" in life. Inexperienced with dating and don't know what true love and real heartache feels like. Liking someone for a year and rambling about them and how horrible they are is TOTALLY different then actually being in a committed long term relationship with someone and actually falling in love. Dreaming of being with someone and actually being with someone are two totally different things.

I've been able to keep from talking about Sean to one person in specific. Someone I care deeply about and see as one of my best friends. So, if I can hold back from talking about Sean with him then I'm sure I can do it with everyone else.

Oh! and some of my less active "friends" on FB will be getting demoted. :)

New meds = new hope

Yesterday I went and saw my P-doc. After reading off my laundry list of issues that have manifested since Sean & my break up she diagnosed me Clinically depressed. I looked up what that means and sure as hell I have every single symptom.
So... I'm on new meds. I won't be feeling the effects of it for at least another 2 weeks :/ considering the fact that I JUST started them. I can't wait to start feeling "normal" again. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I've lost a piece of myself through this horrible breakup.

I know that a lot of all this has to do with positive/negative thinking. I can't keep thinking so negative. It was his loss. He lost the greatest thing he will ever have in his life. When he does decide to slither his way back to me I'm gonna be happy and probably with someone new. (because that's the way things ALWAYS work out in my life). I mean I do gotta take care of and put energy/emotion in what matters to me. That includes myself (of course), my beloved pets, my best friends and the only 2 family members I got left.

I feel so empowered today. Like yesterday was a HUGE step in the right direction. I'm just ready to put the past in the past and let go. There's nothing I can do. And like I always say, you only have 2 choices, either fix it or accept it. I can't fix it, so I gotta just accept it. I refuse to let this continue consuming me. It's destroying my physical and mental health. I have so much to look forward to and I'm just letting this keep me from focusing on those things. Both big and small things.

>This month are my two best friends birthday! Jenn turns 30 and Sarah turns 21!!! :D
>Next month my other best friend, Dan, turns 29! and my mom turns 59. And I'm going to NYC to spend the day with said best friend.
>October is after that and it's HALLOWEEN and pumpkin killing time. Also the leaves change and it starts getting cold and becoming hoodie wearing weather. lol!
>November is THANKSGIVING and we're having a party this year!
>December is CHRISTMAS and who doesn't love gifts :) I'm also going to Atlantic City for 3 days.
>January is NEW YEARS and I had a blast ringing in 2011, I'm sure 2012 is gonna be just as much fun.
>February I GET A NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yup! officially looking into getting a new little buddy. I'm looking into a 2008-2011. I saw a NICE 2010 for a great price. I'm thinking of (another) Hyundai, Toyota, Nissan, VW or Honda. Not sure just yet. Gonna start doing more homework around December. (btw, a brand new car is totally out of the question. I find that is the best way of throwing away money. A car depreciates 60% the moment you drive this "new" item off the lot. Also, I worked for a car FINANCE company for 2 years and I know what I'm talking about.)
>March is my 29th BIRTHDAY! (MORE PRESENTS!)

So... I got a ton to look forward to in the next 6 or so months. The past 2.5 have been pure misery for me. But no no more. I won't let it keep me down. I'm on new meds, I'm gonna start seeing a new therapist 2x a month, starting this month, and get back on the right track. I'm stronger then this. I'm better then this and I deserve the best life has to offer. If Sean doesn't want me, I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

I know the past 2.5 months I've been purely hell to deal with. I want to give a great big thank you to the 3 people that have stood by my side through all this. Thank you Jenn, Sarah & Dan. The greatest people in the universe. Most people are lucky to find ONE best friend. I'm the lucky one who gets THREE! :) I may have lost my family, but having you guys in my life makes up for it 1,000x's!

This is a GREAT video that I found. For those people that feel like all they want is to be "happy" I suggest listening to it :D

I don't wanna have to hurt to feel

Today felt like day of hell. I worked 8:30-6pm. I'm usually ok but I was super emotional and edgy. I haven't taken my meds in 2 days. I can feel myself slowly deteriorating emotionally, mentally and physically. I'm breaking down crying my eyes out several times a day. At least 4 times now. Anything is triggering it. The thought of having to associate with people... even my FRIENDS sends shivers down my spine and makes me cringe. I just want to spend time alone and not talk to anyone. I hate when I hear a text or see a phone call coming in. I hate, hate, HATE burdening others with my problems. The same way I loath hearing about others sob story is the same way I hate talking about mine. It just so happens that my subconscious and my conscious aren't exactly going hand in hand at the moment and I keep spewing emotional shit, like some sort of word vomit, about Sean, and it's annoying me, so it's gotta be annoying the hell out of all the people on the receiving end.

I've been forgetting to eat. Even when I'm hungry I don't want to eat. I would just rather starve then have even the smallest morsel of food. My sleep is very restless. All I do is toss and turn for at least an hour. I wake up every 2-3 hours. I can't remember the last time I slept through the night. It's been at least 2 months. Been crying myself to sleep every single night for the past few weeks.
I feel myself slipping more and more into a deep depression. This break up has caused me to question my self-worth. Made me wonder if being single are the only cards I've been dealt. If this is what I'm supposed to be. To live and die alone. I've never been so distraught about any person I have dated. All I think about are the good times.
On my drive home today I thought about the time that Sean and I were snuggling in his bed. We were both really tired. We cuddled up to one another, facing each other and ended up falling asleep. just holding one another. After an hour or so I woke up and nuzzled up to him, just to be as close as possible. We were both so warm and I was so incredibly happy. It wasn't some super expensive trip, or huge gift. It was just being in his presence, feeling comfortable in every way imaginable, that's all it really took to be happy. That's all I ever needed.

I remembred that and a smile came across my face while tears seem to flow from my eyes. I miss him. I miss everything. would do anything, give up EVERYTHING just to have him back. I've never in my life cried this hard, felt this much pain and question my life more then i have been in the past 9 weeks.
My friends have seen my suffering. They have seen me and heard me. They are witness to the agony I am enduring.

I've officially thrown in the towel on dating. It's just not worth it for me. I'm never going on a date wanting a 2nd. I'm going in looking for an emotional band aid. Some temporary fix to what feels like a very perminant problem. I compare EVERYTHING to Sean. The way the guys dresses, his height, weight, hair color, smile, if he has good smelling cologne (if any),what he eats and drinks, the stuff he likes, how I feel, if he can hold a conversation. The way they hold their utensals, what they drink. I compare everything to Sean and of course nothing ever compares. So... they are ruled out. I'm looking for... another Sean. But there isn't another. There never will be.
I'm accepting that I'm alone and will be for a while. At least until Sean decides to come back. The past 9 weeks have been hard. Retraining myself to learn how to function with this constant emptiness inside. Seeing others so happy and wishing I could share in their joy. It's like a constant reminder that it's not me, but it was and all I want is to have that back.

One thought keeps popping in and out of my head. The thought that IF I did start seeing someone that (yes, doesn't compare to Sean... BUT) I still do have some sort of connection to and really like, if everything is great and I'm happy with them and they are happy with me... what if THAT'S when Sean pops back into the picture. What then? I would be with someone new and am happy with, but here's Sean, the person I've been waiting for (lord knows how long for) to come back. He's back and wanting to be together again. What then? I would be so torn. And no matter what I would decide, somebody would get hurt. I would never want to do that to another person OR Sean. So, I'm much better off just being alone and waiting.
I'm not a patient person, but to be able to be back with the person I love, I'll wait forever.