I don't wanna have to hurt to feel

Today felt like day of hell. I worked 8:30-6pm. I'm usually ok but I was super emotional and edgy. I haven't taken my meds in 2 days. I can feel myself slowly deteriorating emotionally, mentally and physically. I'm breaking down crying my eyes out several times a day. At least 4 times now. Anything is triggering it. The thought of having to associate with people... even my FRIENDS sends shivers down my spine and makes me cringe. I just want to spend time alone and not talk to anyone. I hate when I hear a text or see a phone call coming in. I hate, hate, HATE burdening others with my problems. The same way I loath hearing about others sob story is the same way I hate talking about mine. It just so happens that my subconscious and my conscious aren't exactly going hand in hand at the moment and I keep spewing emotional shit, like some sort of word vomit, about Sean, and it's annoying me, so it's gotta be annoying the hell out of all the people on the receiving end.

I've been forgetting to eat. Even when I'm hungry I don't want to eat. I would just rather starve then have even the smallest morsel of food. My sleep is very restless. All I do is toss and turn for at least an hour. I wake up every 2-3 hours. I can't remember the last time I slept through the night. It's been at least 2 months. Been crying myself to sleep every single night for the past few weeks.
I feel myself slipping more and more into a deep depression. This break up has caused me to question my self-worth. Made me wonder if being single are the only cards I've been dealt. If this is what I'm supposed to be. To live and die alone. I've never been so distraught about any person I have dated. All I think about are the good times.
On my drive home today I thought about the time that Sean and I were snuggling in his bed. We were both really tired. We cuddled up to one another, facing each other and ended up falling asleep. just holding one another. After an hour or so I woke up and nuzzled up to him, just to be as close as possible. We were both so warm and I was so incredibly happy. It wasn't some super expensive trip, or huge gift. It was just being in his presence, feeling comfortable in every way imaginable, that's all it really took to be happy. That's all I ever needed.

I remembred that and a smile came across my face while tears seem to flow from my eyes. I miss him. I miss everything. would do anything, give up EVERYTHING just to have him back. I've never in my life cried this hard, felt this much pain and question my life more then i have been in the past 9 weeks.
My friends have seen my suffering. They have seen me and heard me. They are witness to the agony I am enduring.

I've officially thrown in the towel on dating. It's just not worth it for me. I'm never going on a date wanting a 2nd. I'm going in looking for an emotional band aid. Some temporary fix to what feels like a very perminant problem. I compare EVERYTHING to Sean. The way the guys dresses, his height, weight, hair color, smile, if he has good smelling cologne (if any),what he eats and drinks, the stuff he likes, how I feel, if he can hold a conversation. The way they hold their utensals, what they drink. I compare everything to Sean and of course nothing ever compares. So... they are ruled out. I'm looking for... another Sean. But there isn't another. There never will be.
I'm accepting that I'm alone and will be for a while. At least until Sean decides to come back. The past 9 weeks have been hard. Retraining myself to learn how to function with this constant emptiness inside. Seeing others so happy and wishing I could share in their joy. It's like a constant reminder that it's not me, but it was and all I want is to have that back.

One thought keeps popping in and out of my head. The thought that IF I did start seeing someone that (yes, doesn't compare to Sean... BUT) I still do have some sort of connection to and really like, if everything is great and I'm happy with them and they are happy with me... what if THAT'S when Sean pops back into the picture. What then? I would be with someone new and am happy with, but here's Sean, the person I've been waiting for (lord knows how long for) to come back. He's back and wanting to be together again. What then? I would be so torn. And no matter what I would decide, somebody would get hurt. I would never want to do that to another person OR Sean. So, I'm much better off just being alone and waiting.
I'm not a patient person, but to be able to be back with the person I love, I'll wait forever.