Friends Vs. Lovers

Today I made two realizations.
1. I'm holding onto the thought of Sean coming back because it's easier then letting go.
2. My friend and I (that I'm romantically interested in) could never be more then friends.

Both things make me incredibly sad. I'm holding onto the hope that someone will return all because the alternative is worse then the suffering. Deep down I KNOW Sean doesn't love me, I KNOW he has moved onto bigger better things, I KNOW that he's happier with out me in his life. But were does that leave me? If I accept that he's not coming back and move on what will I move on to? It's not like I'm going to win some great big prize, it's not like I'm going to find the meaning of life. What I'll have is nothing more then the feeling of emptiness and reality. And right now reality SUCKS! I know I need to get back in the swing of things and these weird work hour/days isn't helping any. (Tue-Sat 11am-7:30pm) I guess like anything else... it will take time.

I have a friend that I've started seeing differently. I mean I did like him but actually perusing something more then a friendship felt more like a concept then an actual possibility. The other day as I was sitting across from him I thought to myself "wow... I really want to let go of all this emotional shit with Sean because here's this great guy that I really like as more then a friend." I stopped and had to remind myself that HE'S MY FRIEND! I can't think of something so... messed up like that. So I brushed the thought away and continued with whatever conversation he and I were having.
Last night he decided it would be a good idea to lecture me about my job, that mind you... he knows NOTHING about. After listening to him I gave my two cents that he didn't appreciate and he promptly hung up the phone on me. I looked at my phone, shrugged my shoulders and went to bed.
Today we finally talked after I got out of work. I realized I can't talk to him about Sean OR my job. That brings our conversation topics down to the weather and sports. Both of which I don't care for. After we talked about last night and I heard him out when it came to pretty much everything and anything about my life that has absolutely nothing to do with him I came to the conclusion that we could never be more then friends. And the realization just brought me to tears. It made me feel so sad and wished that things were different. That he and I could see eye to eye. That we both weren't so bull headed and stubborn that he would shut the hell up and stop giving his fucking POV on everything and anything that comes his way. All I want is for someone to listen, not tell me what I should and shouldn't do. That's something that he could never be and I feel horrible. And wish things were different. I think about him and how days have passed since I last saw him and how happy I am when I am with him and talking to him is easy (sometimes) and how much he means to me, even after the short amount of time we've had to know each other. I just wish things weren't this way.

I'm angry at him and angry at myself because two broken people can't fix themselves let alone each other.

I'm getting way to emotional and crying WAY to hard so I'm going to end this on a note about food.
Why is it that when you don't expect something to come out good you make the least of it and it comes out amazing? For example, tonight I made mashed potatoes for me to take to work. all I did was cut up 1 potato and put it to boil. Well I dunno what I did different because that was the best mashed potatoes I've ever had. So... I ate it and made something else for work tomorrow. Next time... I'll make more.