Pictures

I'm in the mood to write. I know that none of this will be in any sort of order, it's gonna be more like a giant cluster-fuck of miscellaneous thoughts. So... if you are reading this... brace yourself.

So I was rummaging through some old pictures. I found some of one of my birthdays. I'm assuming it was when I was probably 20 or so. I felt instantly very sad. I guess that year I had my birthday at my older half sisters house. I quickly put them away. But that sadness has stayed with me. It makes me think about all the birthdays, holidays and other important moments my “family” has missed. I'll never understand why everyone left. I stopped caring years ago. But there are times, very far and few in between, were I do question it.

I wonder if they knew all they were throwing away and the people that would be left behind and the effects it would have. Apparently not. I mean, I've brought a specific subject up to a couple people and they have said the very same thing. I brought up how my “family” have commented on how I've changed and how different I am and how I'm not the same person as who I was when they left. Well NO SHIT! You moved away when I was 11 years old! Last I checked you are not the same person at 28 as you were as a child. I have endured things in my life they will never know. I have done things they have missed out on. In reality they are more strangers to me then “family”. All they know about me is what I have told them and what they have seen. That's it. They don't know who I am or what I have endured to be were I am at. I made the decision to cut them out of my life. There are reasons that I won't bother posting on here, but I do have my reasons. 

 Today, right here right now I'm feeling really sad, really lonely and really hurt. I'm not going to name names but only one person knows what I am talking about. And that's only because I sent them a text about it. I feel like someone I really care about is kinda just living there lives and forgetting that I so much as exist. The phone calls have stopped and the text messages are very far and few in between. I'm almost afraid to text them because I'm convinced I'm going to bother them. So, like I told my friend, I'm gonna do what I do best, and that's keep to myself. If someone wants to see/talk to/hang out with me they have my number. But I absolutely refuse to reach out. 

 Tomorrow I'm due to work 13 hours straight. I'm not looking forward to it AT ALL. But lord knows I need to save up money for black Friday shopping, bus trip in December and Christmas shopping. I wonder who's going Black Friday shopping with us this year. Hmmm.... Last year was really fun. Crazy.... yet fun.

I still really wanna try to go to NYC in October.

Ooooo... October!!! It's almost that time of year again! Pumpkins and hoodies and cold cold fall nights. OMG I can't wait! I have always hated the summer heat and humidity but this summer seemed to have dragged on and on. It felt like it would never end. I wish it was October weather all year round.

The movie 50/50 is coming out tomorrow. I'm thinking I may need to go check it out on $5 JewsDay.

Nexxus died. That brings my fuzz butt count to 17. I'm starting to get really numb to them dieing. I love my rats, don't get me wrong. I've gotten to a point were I accept that they are going to die and there is nothing I can do but love them and give them the best life possible for as long as I have them. R.I.P you needy, loving, vocal, clingy momma's boy. I love you.

Next weekend I am determined to go to Lyman Orchards and buy apples! I'm gonna go and get some and make an apple pie. And I'm gonna enjoy the hell out of it. Nom Nom Nom Nom!

 Today I was thinking about what has recently changed about me. I've noticed something has and I'm pretty sure no one has noticed it but I have. I really noticed it right now. As I'm typing this out. What has changed about me you wonder, Something pretty big actually. It's my social interaction. Now, I'm a pretty social person (to an extent because I only associate with certain people) I like to include people and be included. I am no longer including people (ANYONE) in any plans I make. I don't make plans to go anywhere or do anything with anyone, at least very rarely. I don't plan on going to the movies with anyone or going to pick the apples with anyone. I just plan on going alone. It's easier that way. I don't set myself up for the disappointment of the “oh hey... I'm not going.” I would rather just do things alone then be told “I can't make it” or even worse, have that person not even have the common courtesy to so much as call/text. I've always had a nasty habit of putting far to much stock into people when to be honest, no one is worth it.

So, I'm gonna keep planning things alone and keep doing them alone.

I hope next week is better then this week. It should be, it'll be October!

1 year to the month

So it's been a year, to the month, since things really changed for me. I had so much happening last year all at once that no one ever knew about. I'm one of the few people that keeps my pain to myself. I like to kinda just deal with things by writing it out. I hate rambling about the same situation over and over again like talking will fix the problem. It doesn't. All it does is serve as a reminder. 

 I decided that I needed to pull away from all the things that brought me to my lowest point. I removed people from my life that I do not, in any way shape OR form regret removing. I with drew and pretty much had to relearn certain things. Like how to put MY needs first. I've been doing that and letting other people just deal with their issues on their own. I have a nasty tendency of caring WAY to much about other people. I can't imaging living the way I was last year. 

This past year has been filled with ups and downs. I found out what true happiness felt like, pure loneliness and pain beyond explanation. Normally these are things no one would want to endure. But I'm not like most people. I'll take the good with the bad any day. If I sheltered myself and avoided all sorts of pain what would I learn? Nothing. You can't gain anything if you're not willing to lose something. I have faith that I will be happy again. That I'll find that someone that makes everything I've endured worth the pain. I know that what I've gone through isn't more then I can handle. I'm the strongest person I know. Well... besides my mom that is.

Some key things I've learned:

What goes up, must come down.

I have 2 family members in my life. My mother and my brother. Every other “family” member is either dead or dead in my eyes (this excludes extended family like my cousins/uncles etc.)

I can count my best friends on one hand.

I can count my close friends on my other hand.

My pets will die. No matter how much I tell them to live forever.

Pumpkin Coffee is the legal form of crack.

The greatest thing is waking up snuggled up close to someone you care about.

The rain still sucks.

Snow is NOT the devil, but when it snows a LOT if sure feels like hell.

I still really don't like parties. Unless it's being thrown at my house. :)

Hugs & kisses are the best remedy for a super crappy day.

 October is nearly here and I can't wait for all the things that follow. I'm excited and happy. I feel really optimistic that this time next year I'll be better off then I am right now. I refuse to give up. Things will be better. I'm gonna have a great Halloween, a great Thanksgiving and a merry Christmas. Oh! And another wonderful New years. :) 

(oh and btw... I've been officially single for 4 months. Just wanted to throw that out there.) 

Current song that describes my mood:

Count bodies like sheep

I got a orange piece of paper left at the back door today. From the post office. It's a certified letter... from Sean. I dunno why anyone would need a huge ass envelope to put a necklace in but I'm just happy it was sent. I wasn't able to pick it up though. The paper says to pick it up tomorrow. So that's the first thing I'm doing tomorrow morning.
I have no idea why but I felt this overwhelming feeling of sadness. I had waited so long to get to this point. Now that I'm here I don't know were to go.

It's funny how I don't remember what comes next. I've been faced with heartache many times before, but not like this. I mean even when I was waiting (7 months) for Andy to come around I never felt like this. Maybe I did, but I've blocked it out. I guess I just block these things from my memory in an effort to move on. It's worked in the past. Why can't I do it now?!

Probably because I haven't moved on. This is the longest I've gone with out so much as being truly interested in another person. I've had other people interested in me. But it was never mutual. I was honest from the start. Letting them know I just can't do it. I don't wanna date or be in a relationship. I want to be alone (to suffer alone is more like it) and do whatever I want. Because lord knows no one can hold me back from doing what I want.

Needless to say, every one of them got emotionally invested and I just emotionally checked out.
So here I am, exactly were I asked to be. Alone. It's very bittersweet. I don't have anyone to care about and I don't have anyone to care about me. I just gotta do the things I like to do no matter what. I am looking forward to slaughtering a pumpkin, spilling his guts all over the place and carving a face. I haven't done that in YEARS and am eager to do it. I also want to make apple pies from scratch. One for people... one for fuzz butts. Oh my babies LOVE apples! I wanna go on a hayride so badly. I've never done it and it looks like so much fun. I won't let my solitude define me, I will make it empower me. It's all a reminder that there are no garentees in life and to never give up.

Now that I have rambled non-stop I'm going to go and enjoy Season 3 Episode 1 of VAMPIRE DIARIES!!! I can't wait to see Damon in all his super hot and sexiness. Here is my (other, besides Eric Northman from True blood) dream man:

Last but not least I just feel really happy that I'm not the only person in the world that feels THIS way:

I deserve the best

Like I posted about last time, I packed Seans stuff in a box and have been meaning to bring it to his house (when I know no one is there) and drop it off. All I want back is the necklace that I left by accident.
I feel that by holding onto those items I'm holding onto him. It's been 3.5 months. He's not coming back. Even if he does I've reached a point that I don't want him back. I thought it would take me longer to get here. To let him go and let the "dream" of our storybook ending go.

Next month he graduates and that's when he would be open to getting back together. When school is done and over with and it's one big weight off his shoulders. But I don't want him back. I don't want anyone that turns tail and runs at the sight of stress. That will only be with me if it's convenient for them. Relationships aren't meant to be easy, they are meant to challenge you and make you a better person. If it was easy, it wouldn't be worth it.

I'm the only person that has ever fought to hold onto a relationship. The guys I end up dating pretty much just shrug their shoulders and don't care. It's a pretty good indication of their incredibly crappy personality. I can honestly say I don't care for any person I've dated in the past. They were too weak and not worth the time of day and especially the emotion I invested in their meaningless existence. I can't believe how much I've put into some people only to get nothing in return. It's one of those things you try not to think about, but when you do you feel like a piece of shit.

I deserve the best. And I feel like up until now all I've gotten is the "Clarence items", the "remnants", the "better then nothing" guys. And yeah, that does include Sean.

All I can say is they are not my problem anymore. If they are someone elses problem that person can deal with their lack of motivation, ADD, ED (yes, I just said ED!) possessiveness, insecurities, inability to prioritize, crappy time management, disgusting eating habits, boring personalities and a mess of other things I can't even remember right now.

WOW! after writing that last paragraph I feel so much better! I should consider these guys not being with me anymore as a blessing.

Goodbye my lover, Goodbye my friend

Today I decided that it was time for me to send back Seans things. I got a box from work, dug up all his items and put them in the box. As I pulled things out one by one I couldn't hold back the tears. I clenched onto his yellow shirt with both hands thinking to myself "I don't wanna give it back! I don't wanna!" it still smelled just like him. After all these months. I squeezed his hoodie close and just snuggled up to it. Remembering how much I loved it when he wore it. His other items I wrapped up and wrote a note requesting the return of my necklace. I'm going to be sending it out on Tuesday.

This is all that's left. After giving him his things back I will have nothing. Other then bittersweet memories.
I never wanted it to end. I looked back at the pictures of him and I and just can't imagine anything ever going wrong. We were the perfect couple. We were happy. I was happy.

No matter what, I don't regret a single second of those 5 amazing months I spent with Sean. I never knew how much I could truly love someone until I met him.
But I have to let him go.