Always be my baby

 Today I went to top off the rats food bowls and I noticed how Krinkle has gotten super social. She runs straight to the bars and begs for some attention. She was so shy when Sean and I brought her home. He picked her out. Same with Olive Garden. He really wanted me to get them both. He loved those girls and would often play with them while I was in the kitchen cooking us dinner.

The past month has been really tough. But I feel like all I've really done is put a band aid on a stab wound. No matter what it won't fully heal. I still deeply love Sean and yearn for him every single day. I think about all the stuff we would do and how incredibly happy he made me. I'm so terrified of moving on and him coming back and having to make a very difficult decision. I don't want to hurt anyone the way I'm hurting. Or if he never comes back and I'm left with being a relationship that's not with him. I know I have to let him go. Let go of the hope that he will come back. Right now, that's all I have. I never wanted to not be with him. I never thought it would all come crashing down right in front of me the way it did. All I have left are memories, pictures and his stuff.

No matter what, I want him back. I don't want anyone but him. If I get involved with another person all I will be doing is always wanting Sean. Always knowing that anything I'm doing would be better with him and only him. I'm not over Sean. I don't think I will be any time soon, if at all.

I foresee this summer being a very lonely one. But that's ok, because I would never take back the winter and the spring I had with him. I wouldn't undo one single second. 

 

A mixed up blog

Well last week was one massive disappointment. Luckily by Friday I was so emotionally burned out that I felt like there wasn't much left to be disappointed about. I went on an AMAZING date with this guys from Shelton (I'm gonna refer to him as “Shelton” because he's got the same name as several other people I know and it can get pretty confusing). So we saw Cars 2 and had an amazing time. I heard back from him the following day and texted for a bit. That's it though. I do like him a lot, but refuse to put all my eggs in one basket. I'm going to continue meeting new people and going out until one of them gets to a more serious level.

In the past I would be totally loyal and dedicated to that one person I'm seeing. Not knowing if they are doing the same or if they are seeing multiple people. So this time around I'm not gonna be an idiot. I'm gonna have fun and date around. I hold no commitment to ANYONE. I hate dating but I gotta make a good situation out of a bad one.

Well... it's been 4 days beyond Dooms day (aka- the day my older half sister was due to move here) and guess what... SHE'S NOT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! meaning they are not coming. I am thrilled that they are not here. It's like having another birthday/x-mas gift.
We haven't talked about it. My mom won't mention it to me. But I think she should. A very well deserved THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR SAVING THE DAY is owed to me. I hurt some feelings but you know what? I had to be honest. I had to let my older half sister know that her free loading, dry-begging days need to be over. She needs to go out and WORK. With little kids and all. She has a 17 year old daughter that is well equipped to watch a 1 yr old and 3 yr old. Now a day the man shouldn't be the only bread winner. The woman needs to go out there and at least look. Especially when things are so tough. You need 2 incomes. 

I went for an interview at a job in Rockyhill. I hope I get it. It's closer to home and pays amazingly well. Round 2 of interviews will be going on this upcoming week. I hope I get a call back.-crosses fingers-

It's been a month since things ended with Sean and I. I can't help but think about him. I wonder if I will ever have that close of a bond with anyone the way I did with him. The comfort, freedom and happiness I felt. I try not to talk about it. Because I know what it feels like to hear about someones relationship issues NON STOP. So I keep these thoughts and feelings to myself, or I just write about it. So people have the option to not know about it.
It's been a tough, lonely month but I'm happy to say my friends (as in my REAL friends) have come to my aid. They have been amazing at keeping my mind off of things and just being there. I know I would be lost with out these people.

I've noticed a lot of peoples birthdays come and go. I know exactly when their birthdays are and don't bother sending a text, email or post on their FB. Why? Well that's an easy one, because those are the same exact people that forgot all about my birthday. They aren't my (real) friends (anymore) anyway so who cares. The people that matter remembered my birthday and wished me a happy birthday with out needing FB to notify them.
I've had some incredibly crappy friends in the past. Thankfully... I've dropped people from my life and am happy to say that living a life with no drama whatsoever feels amazing and is well worth the drop in (fake) friends. 

 

I am finding out that love will kill and save me

 Today is fathers day. I haven't bothered calling my father. I didn't send him a card either. I just figured that it wouldn't matter if I did or didn't. After all, this is the same person that told me that everything I think and feel is stupid and to shut up and that I'm stupid and just shouldn't talk. So, he can consider his wish granted. I won't talk or bother trying to communicate with him. He's got my other (half) siblings to remember him.

I did, however, wish my mother a happy fathers day. She did the job of TWO people my entire life. With out a single penny from my father. Working extra hard to over compensate for my absentee father. He hasn't come to CT to visit me in 10 years. I've always had to go there to see him. So if he doesn't see me it's no big deal to him. But he can go and visit my other (half) sister in Puerto Rico and spend time with her. Goes to show how little my older brother and I matter to him. His first son and first daughter are pretty much a forgotten memory to him. I seem to be that for a lot of people. Or so I've noticed.

My older (half) sister and her two kids gave me hell for expressing how upset I am about them having to crash here with her excess luggage of 2 small children and 2 teens. What I wrote was on Facebook but it's set to privet and ONLY the people on my friends list can see it. Apparently it's kosher for my older (half) sister to sit on the computer and dry-beg ON HER FACEBOOK WALL! but it's messed up if I express my dissatisfaction with my soon to be living arrangements, forced upon me btw. I see something very much messed up with this picture. I don't get it. I have always been the one to do something wrong. Apparently, that's all I'm good for. I've never been rewarded or complimented for anything from my family. I'm a walking mistake. I was yelled at my entire life. from my mom, brother, dad... everyone. I couldn't get anything right. Living like that was pretty much the worst life a child could be raised in (short from abuse, drug use and other misc things) never really knowing what positive feedback felt like. So as usual I got yelled at for expressing myself on something my older (half) sister had no right seeing to begin with. She's friend requested me like 4 times and I keep denying her. Her two kids saw it and all hell broke loose. My mother IMMEDIATELY jumped down my throat. But instead of backing down and just apologizing as I normally would, I went toe to toe with her and told her that my older (half) sister has no right to say anything. She's just pissed that I said how I feel, when did the law pass that a person can't express themselves. I'm going to express myself and I don't care if she likes it or not. She can go fuck herself for all I care. My older (half) sister should go look for a job opposite of her husbands hours and support her family too. No one told her to have 5 kids. Her mistake is her own, no one elses. Needless to say, my mother backed off.

This happened yesterday. We haven't talked about it. I refuse to talk about it. I decided to take on the mind set that I'm going to keep living my life. If they come here I'm just going to have to deal. I'm going to come and go as I please, clean my rats cages whenever I want to, play music as loud and at any time like I want to, speak however I want to (that includes swearing and having her kids hear the "F" word A LOT. Oh dear...their "virgin" ears! -rolls eyes-). I'm not going to make anyone happy. No one looks out for me. The only people that have are my VERY close friends. I only have 3 best friends. That's it. Everyone else is kinda just there. I put them in the "hi/bye" category. Pretty much if I don't speak to you at least 1x a week, you're in the "hi/bye" category. It's a pretty easy way of sorting people out.

My oldest nephew (my older half sisters oldest son. Age 20) has tried calling me, texting me, IMing me. I have no desire to speak to him (he's not moving up here btw). He threw me under the bus. The little liar said that I've been talking shit about my sister and her crappy child raising skills for years. That is a bold-face LIE! I only started saying shit last year when my mom told me to get in contact with him because he was going to be homeless. I was trying to get him to come here so he would be safe. I slipped and did say some stuff but I had only said it to him THAT ONE TIME. Never before hand. I never said a thing about her to him prior to that. I just would ask him how he's doing and other random stuff. Nothing to do with his parents OR siblings. That kid is a liar and I'm so pissed that he threw me under the bus like that. I hope they go move with him in his apartment so he can deal with his mother and not me.

The more I think about this, the more stressed I'm going to be. I'm trying to keep my stress down. I want to avoid having to pop more Xanax if possible.

Today has been a day of ongoing disappointment. Makes sense after ALL the horrible news I've gotten last week.

I don't think I realized the end of Sean and my relationship until Friday. 2 weeks after the break up. I wanted so badly to see him. To know that he's there for me. But I quickly realized that he's really gone. I can't call him, I can't see him... I can't reach out. He's out of my life. At that moment I felt so scared. Like I will never again feel as happy with another person as I did with him. I will never feel that comfortable or care free or.... loved. I miss him. I felt so broken. And a part of me still really does. I feel like I haven't allowed myself to fully mourn the end of my relationship with him because it's easier then suffering. No matter how much all this hurts it was worth it. I had 5 amazing months with him. I don't regret it. I don't regret a single thing. I just wish it didn't have to end. At least, not the way it did.

While he fell out of love with me, I continue to love him. It's foolish, I know. But I can't help it. 

 My sweet little dreamer... I still think of you and miss you. 

"And it will take this life of regret, before my heart learns to forget, tomorrow will be as it alwasy has been, and i will fall to him again, before i know i have come to close. He is my sunlight, and the sun is gone."

 

Here tomorrow, gone today

This is my outlet.

I've been typing up long blogs at work but never posting them. I seem to work to fast so I get bored and just distract myself with other stuff to do. Go figure.

Today I found out that my older (half) sister and her kids are moving up here and staying with us. At one point (around 9 years ago) I would have been thrilled to have them here, to spend the whole summer and to have memories and all that other crap. Now, I honestly don't care. Now, I wish she would stay were she is at and take care of herself. She's the one that wanted to grow up SOOOO badly. To move out, get married and have kids. If that's the life she wanted, that's the life she got. She should stop depending on my mom for money every time she's broke. That's just pathetic! her HUSBAND should be supporting his FAMILY! Why don't they go move in with HIS family?! why do they have to come and ruin our happy little home up here.

I feel like shit just knowing they are coming here. I swear, if I was one of those people that got pleasure from the thought of offing myself I would seriously be using some razorblades on my wrists in the vertical motion and going as deep as I can. At least until this emotional pain stops.

I absolutely loath my family. At least the ones that refuse to leave well enough alone.
For some unknown reason my older (half) sister keeps thinking that I don't like her because she moved away 17 years ago. Abandoning me. In all honestly, she did me a favor. Her and my dad. I didn't know it then, but I know it now. I stopped giving a shit years ago. I just stopped feeling anything for her. My emotions became very neutral. I guess it's more of an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. I'm not mad. I'm just very very neutral. I love the people around me. My friends, my mom and my brother. That's what I grew up knowing as my family. and the select people that I still have in my life. My older (half) sister is more of a stranger to me then anything else. Hence why I'm so emotionally neutral. I don't want anything bad to happen to those kids. I want them to be happy and healthy. I just don't want them up here. I don't deal well with screaming children. I find myself wanting to gouge their eyes out with an ice pick. At least until the screaming stops... for good.
(I'm pretty sure only Jenn knows what I mean)

I feel like right now so much is being taken from me and I don't know how to handle it. It's all happening at once and I find myself at a breaking point. I'm terrified of having another nervous break down. Of going to the hospital of not being able to get better. I've come so far in the past 8 months. I dunno what to do. Sean is gone. I have no one to hug me and kiss me and tell me that things will be ok. I have nothing. I feel so alone. I want my life back. I want to feel happy again. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

My home is being taken over by people I haven't seen OR spoken to in 5+ years. I feel so scared. I feel like my mom is going to be put under a ton of stress and snap and she's going to end up in the hospital. She needs to support all these people and it's not fair! it's not FUCKING FAIR!

I hope to god that I get this job I applied for. I have ALL the qualifications and the experience. I know I'm one of god knows how many people applying for it. If I get this job I can help my mom out with money. I need this job. I need it so badly. I need to help my mom. No one else helps her. I need to help my mom take care of 5 more people that I shouldn't have to take care of. I'm not the one that got married young. I want to live my life. I want to enjoy my youth. I want to date and have fun. That's what I want. No one is paying the price for my life style but ME. If I have made mistakes in my past I have had to fix them. No one else has had to support my kids (pets). I have been paying $200-$300 A MONTH on my pets for years. I NOT ONCE have asked for money from my mother. I have cut back on other things to ensure my animals are taken care of. If I can go out there and find a job, so should everyone else. Especially if you have kids to feed and clothe.

 Luckily for her I'm never really home. I leave the house at 7am and don't come home until 7pm. I'm gone during the week and only come home to shower and sleep. The weekends are another story. I'm gonna be stuck in my room. Unless I can get a 2nd job or decide to leave. I wish I didn't have to be gone  THAT much. I need to pay attention to MY kids too!

Things are going to be very very bad for me. I can already feel some old nasty habits kicking in. Crossing my mind. I remember last year when things were HORRIBLE. I was starving myself for months. Eating 1 meal a day, drinking 1/2 a cup of water a day. I was starving and getting severely dehydrated. I didn't do that on purpose. I just didn't want to eat. I ended up losing nearly 30 lbs in less then 2 months. I was a trainwreck. I didn't talk to anyone. I kept to myself. With the dedication and drive I have to lose weight and go to the gym I have a strong feeling I will end up (subconsciously) starving myself. I don't want to end up in the hospital. :(
With all the people, noise, chaos, kids running around I know I'm going to be popping xanax like they're tic-tacs, just to numb the madness for a little while. My anxiety will sky-rocket and I'm going to end up becoming an addict. I heard that the withdrawls (JUST THE WITHDRAWLS) from a Xanax addiction can cause someone to die. That is how addictive those little pills are.
I believe it.

It's been 2 weeks since Sean and I broke up. Right now... I miss him. I miss him so badly. If we were together he would be there for me. I would be able to snuggle up against him, fall asleep to the sound of his heart beating, feeling safe and secure, loved and momentarily happy. He would hug me and kiss me and remind me that I will get through this. I want to call him so badly. To tell him to see him to know that someone out there gives a shit about me. I can't call him, I can't talk to him, I can't see him. Because he doesn't care. And feeling this way makes things so much worse. I feel so alone and helpless. I can't stop crying.

Next weekend they're going to be here. I'm going to take Saturday and go to Dave & Busters in RI. To just block the craziness out for the day. Even if I end up going alone, it's better then being stuck here. Having to deal with 2 little kids. I don't like kids. I don't care who's kids they are. I don't have kids for a reason. Because I'm not ready to have them. I have the option to not deal with them. Children are far more dirty then my own rats. At least my rats clean themselves. Kids shit on themselves, vomit, scream and are loud. (the two noises that send my Anxiety to sky-rocket, my blood pressure to go up and a migraine headache are DOGS BARKING AND KIDS CRYING)

Now that I've finally calmed myself down after crying, I'm going to go take care of MY KIDS. Cage cleaning and dinner making is what I need to do. After... I'm going to bed. I now have a headache.

"When you pick yourself up you get kicked to the curb."

Don't you know who I think I am?

It's been a few days since the break up. I'm not sure if what I'm going through is normal or weird or just different. I'm actually... ok with everything. It seems like everyone feels sorry for me. But I don't. I love Sean. He's a great person. But if he does not want to be with me I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do. I want him to be happy and do everything his little heart desires. I hold no ill feelings towards him and hope that one day in the future he and I could be friends.

(Background on the video: The show this video is based from is Everwood. My all time favorite show that is no longer on TV. The main characters are Ephram & Amy. They had this up and down friendship/relationship. He leaves for like 4 months suddenly. Breaks up with her because he needs to "be alone" and then comes back and it's pretty much to late. She's emotionally over their relationship and is comfortable being alone. I have a VERY strong feeling something similar will happen with Sean and I.)

Right now, as previously posted, I am focusing on myself. I know how I look when I'm thinner and I am a total knock out. I see pictures of my past. I remember being able to run my hands over my hips and feel the bone or over my ribs and press down lightly and feel them. How great these cute pants looked on me and made my ass look amazing! I mean I can't believe I allowed myself to fall so far off the wagon. I was so strict with myself too. No candy, no soda, little bread, no greasy foods and the list goes on and on. I feel guilty for punishing myself. For neglecting the only person that has ever really mattered.... me.

***I don't care how "sexy" some fat woman think they are, THEY ARE NOT!! Stop kidding yourself. Put the hoho's down!!***

Today I went to the gym (with Jenn) for the first time. I walked in there and was surprised how many hot guys there are. Then I saw the hottie of all hotties.... JENNS PERSONAL TRAINER! holy hell he was so doable I wanted to rip his clothes off right then and there. I was able to enjoy the view of his cute little butt while he trained Jenn. I got so much out of her session with him it's a crime! I hope I get to see him again.
I got one of those 7 day free try out passes. I think I'm gonna have to sign up, just so I can try to see Adam in all his sexiness.
There was another guy that was super cute and kept on ending up in the same areas Jenn and I went. First I thought he was just standing there then I realized he was actually doing something. He was Spanish so automatically he's out of the question. He had sexy ass arms though.

(I swear to God! I must have some sort of "guy" gene in me because when I am single I check out every and any guy that crosses my path. But Adam REALLY did it for me. He's tall and has a cute butt, a little sexy gut, straight hair, light skin, HOT arms, pretty eyes and is TALL. Ok... now I sound creepy. Moving on...)

I thought about the whole losing weight thing and what it means for me. Clearly it means the obvious. Looking better, feeling better, looking better, being healthy. Blah blah blah. But there's something I never really care to mention to most people about the past "60lbs less" version of myself. I was a BITCH! I mean I can be bitchy right now but I was the most snotty, cold hearted, judgmental, "I think I'm better then everyone" BITCH!

 

 I've become far more grounded since I put on weight. I know myself well enough to know that I'm going to revert back to the way I was. I'm not particularly thrilled about it, but if I'm putting in the effort then part of me feels like I'm entitled to say/think things. I mean, if I can do it so can the next person. If I can get out of an 8 hour work day, drive 40 min home and then go to the gym for an hour I think everyone should be able to. Oh and then I have to come home, cook/eat food, clean, pick out clothes, pack lunch, take care of my 24 PETS, shower then go to bed to do the same exact thing all over again.

My standards for dating have always been relatively high. But NOW it's going to be higher. I'm capping a weight limit. I have never EVER judged a guy on their weight. Now, I'm going to. I'm not sure what it's going to be. I'm not looking to be in a relationship.
Well this is all I have to update anyone that actually reads this on. I'll be adding more posts eventually. :)

Where there is love, there is pain

It's been a month since I last updated this thing. Funny how so much can happen in 4 weeks.

Well I'll start with the biggest news... I'm single. Yup.

There isn't much to say as far as the reason why. It is rather cut and dry. One day I was his everything, being told that he's so in love with me and adores me. The following day I was tossed aside like yesterdays trash. Clearly I wasn't all that important to him to begin with. His excuse? He didn't have time for me anymore and wanted to be single. So he blocked my phone number, refused to answer any of my text messages and lied to me over and over and over again about the stupidest things. Sometimes I think that's all guys are good for, lieing.

I've been a great big nothing to pretty much every single guy I've ever dated. I always put 100% of myself into a relationship and in the end I'm left 10x's more broken then I was long before I started seeing them. I want to throw in the towel, give up, become cold and bitter and guarded. I'm more then half way there. I just need to throw in the towel. I've been thinking about it a lot. More and more actually. This constant disappointment with me and people in general makes me wonder... what's the point?

I don't have a "soul mate", there isn't just one person out there for me. All there is are a bunch of cut throat ass holes looking to add another notch on their bed post. That's it.

I know I'm rambling. I've been rambling about the same crappy situation with miscellaneous people for the past lord knows how many days. It's getting old. I know it's gotta be old and annoying to them because it's old and annoying to me. I've gotta cry til my tears run dry and not let this set back define who I am and everything I want from here on. I am better then this heartache. I believe that the only man worth crying for is one that won't make you cry.
So since I'm newly single I figured why not turn this around. Why not change more then just my "situation" but also myself. So I've been working on figuring out different ways to lose weight. I got 60lbs that must be gone in the next 6 months. I'm sure I can lose 10lbs every month. I've cut out anything and everything possibly unhealthy. No sweets, sugars, breads, very limited dairy. And exercising. I'm starting out slow but I'll be able to keep up with out any struggle whatsoever. By the looks of it, if I'm really lucky I may be able to FINALLY take the step into going Vegan! It would be amazing to be able to go Vegan like I've drempt of for the past few years.

                      I'm gonna look THIS GOOD again :)

Besides all that I've been looking for work since I got laid off in April. I got a call back last week and I start a new job in Southbury (yeah... a 30 min drive for me) in the middle of this coming week. That means I will finally have some money. I'm really excited. I need this job for so many reasons. A big one is to help take my mind off of things, another is because I need money to start the kickboxing classes I really really REALLY want to take. I know that will get me in shape and off to losing weight. I also want to go to NYC again. I miss that place!

This is where I end this long post. But before I do so I want to say something to Sean. I know he will probably never ever read this but I still need to get this off my chest.

Dear Sean,
I don't hate you. I understand more then you think. I hope that nothing but wonderful things come to you in your future. I want you to be happy and successful. I will look back on the past 5 months and remember all the big and small things. I believe that you will do great in life. That you will achieve everything you set your mind to. Never forget that you are wonderful and deserve the best. I will always have a special place for you in my heart.
-Lisa

(out of every single depressing "break up song" I've been listening to this is the one that best describes how I've been feeling.)