This is my outlet.
I've been typing up long blogs at work but never posting them. I seem to work to fast so I get bored and just distract myself with other stuff to do. Go figure.
Today I found out that my older (half) sister and her kids are moving up here and staying with us. At one point (around 9 years ago) I would have been thrilled to have them here, to spend the whole summer and to have memories and all that other crap. Now, I honestly don't care. Now, I wish she would stay were she is at and take care of herself. She's the one that wanted to grow up SOOOO badly. To move out, get married and have kids. If that's the life she wanted, that's the life she got. She should stop depending on my mom for money every time she's broke. That's just pathetic! her HUSBAND should be supporting his FAMILY! Why don't they go move in with HIS family?! why do they have to come and ruin our happy little home up here.
I feel like shit just knowing they are coming here. I swear, if I was one of those people that got pleasure from the thought of offing myself I would seriously be using some razorblades on my wrists in the vertical motion and going as deep as I can. At least until this emotional pain stops.
I absolutely loath my family. At least the ones that refuse to leave well enough alone.
For some unknown reason my older (half) sister keeps thinking that I don't like her because she moved away 17 years ago. Abandoning me. In all honestly, she did me a favor. Her and my dad. I didn't know it then, but I know it now. I stopped giving a shit years ago. I just stopped feeling anything for her. My emotions became very neutral. I guess it's more of an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. I'm not mad. I'm just very very neutral. I love the people around me. My friends, my mom and my brother. That's what I grew up knowing as my family. and the select people that I still have in my life. My older (half) sister is more of a stranger to me then anything else. Hence why I'm so emotionally neutral. I don't want anything bad to happen to those kids. I want them to be happy and healthy. I just don't want them up here. I don't deal well with screaming children. I find myself wanting to gouge their eyes out with an ice pick. At least until the screaming stops... for good.
(I'm pretty sure only Jenn knows what I mean)
I feel like right now so much is being taken from me and I don't know how to handle it. It's all happening at once and I find myself at a breaking point. I'm terrified of having another nervous break down. Of going to the hospital of not being able to get better. I've come so far in the past 8 months. I dunno what to do. Sean is gone. I have no one to hug me and kiss me and tell me that things will be ok. I have nothing. I feel so alone. I want my life back. I want to feel happy again. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.
My home is being taken over by people I haven't seen OR spoken to in 5+ years. I feel so scared. I feel like my mom is going to be put under a ton of stress and snap and she's going to end up in the hospital. She needs to support all these people and it's not fair! it's not FUCKING FAIR!
I hope to god that I get this job I applied for. I have ALL the qualifications and the experience. I know I'm one of god knows how many people applying for it. If I get this job I can help my mom out with money. I need this job. I need it so badly. I need to help my mom. No one else helps her. I need to help my mom take care of 5 more people that I shouldn't have to take care of. I'm not the one that got married young. I want to live my life. I want to enjoy my youth. I want to date and have fun. That's what I want. No one is paying the price for my life style but ME. If I have made mistakes in my past I have had to fix them. No one else has had to support my kids (pets). I have been paying $200-$300 A MONTH on my pets for years. I NOT ONCE have asked for money from my mother. I have cut back on other things to ensure my animals are taken care of. If I can go out there and find a job, so should everyone else. Especially if you have kids to feed and clothe.
Luckily for her I'm never really home. I leave the house at 7am and don't come home until 7pm. I'm gone during the week and only come home to shower and sleep. The weekends are another story. I'm gonna be stuck in my room. Unless I can get a 2nd job or decide to leave. I wish I didn't have to be gone THAT much. I need to pay attention to MY kids too!
Things are going to be very very bad for me. I can already feel some old nasty habits kicking in. Crossing my mind. I remember last year when things were HORRIBLE. I was starving myself for months. Eating 1 meal a day, drinking 1/2 a cup of water a day. I was starving and getting severely dehydrated. I didn't do that on purpose. I just didn't want to eat. I ended up losing nearly 30 lbs in less then 2 months. I was a trainwreck. I didn't talk to anyone. I kept to myself. With the dedication and drive I have to lose weight and go to the gym I have a strong feeling I will end up (subconsciously) starving myself. I don't want to end up in the hospital. :(
With all the people, noise, chaos, kids running around I know I'm going to be popping xanax like they're tic-tacs, just to numb the madness for a little while. My anxiety will sky-rocket and I'm going to end up becoming an addict. I heard that the withdrawls (JUST THE WITHDRAWLS) from a Xanax addiction can cause someone to die. That is how addictive those little pills are.
I believe it.
It's been 2 weeks since Sean and I broke up. Right now... I miss him. I miss him so badly. If we were together he would be there for me. I would be able to snuggle up against him, fall asleep to the sound of his heart beating, feeling safe and secure, loved and momentarily happy. He would hug me and kiss me and remind me that I will get through this. I want to call him so badly. To tell him to see him to know that someone out there gives a shit about me. I can't call him, I can't talk to him, I can't see him. Because he doesn't care. And feeling this way makes things so much worse. I feel so alone and helpless. I can't stop crying.
Next weekend they're going to be here. I'm going to take Saturday and go to Dave & Busters in RI. To just block the craziness out for the day. Even if I end up going alone, it's better then being stuck here. Having to deal with 2 little kids. I don't like kids. I don't care who's kids they are. I don't have kids for a reason. Because I'm not ready to have them. I have the option to not deal with them. Children are far more dirty then my own rats. At least my rats clean themselves. Kids shit on themselves, vomit, scream and are loud. (the two noises that send my Anxiety to sky-rocket, my blood pressure to go up and a migraine headache are DOGS BARKING AND KIDS CRYING)
Now that I've finally calmed myself down after crying, I'm going to go take care of MY KIDS. Cage cleaning and dinner making is what I need to do. After... I'm going to bed. I now have a headache.
"When you pick yourself up you get kicked to the curb."
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