Well I'll start with the biggest news... I'm single. Yup.
There isn't much to say as far as the reason why. It is rather cut and dry. One day I was his everything, being told that he's so in love with me and adores me. The following day I was tossed aside like yesterdays trash. Clearly I wasn't all that important to him to begin with. His excuse? He didn't have time for me anymore and wanted to be single. So he blocked my phone number, refused to answer any of my text messages and lied to me over and over and over again about the stupidest things. Sometimes I think that's all guys are good for, lieing.
I've been a great big nothing to pretty much every single guy I've ever dated. I always put 100% of myself into a relationship and in the end I'm left 10x's more broken then I was long before I started seeing them. I want to throw in the towel, give up, become cold and bitter and guarded. I'm more then half way there. I just need to throw in the towel. I've been thinking about it a lot. More and more actually. This constant disappointment with me and people in general makes me wonder... what's the point?
I don't have a "soul mate", there isn't just one person out there for me. All there is are a bunch of cut throat ass holes looking to add another notch on their bed post. That's it.
I know I'm rambling. I've been rambling about the same crappy situation with miscellaneous people for the past lord knows how many days. It's getting old. I know it's gotta be old and annoying to them because it's old and annoying to me. I've gotta cry til my tears run dry and not let this set back define who I am and everything I want from here on. I am better then this heartache. I believe that the only man worth crying for is one that won't make you cry.
So since I'm newly single I figured why not turn this around. Why not change more then just my "situation" but also myself. So I've been working on figuring out different ways to lose weight. I got 60lbs that must be gone in the next 6 months. I'm sure I can lose 10lbs every month. I've cut out anything and everything possibly unhealthy. No sweets, sugars, breads, very limited dairy. And exercising. I'm starting out slow but I'll be able to keep up with out any struggle whatsoever. By the looks of it, if I'm really lucky I may be able to FINALLY take the step into going Vegan! It would be amazing to be able to go Vegan like I've drempt of for the past few years.
I'm gonna look THIS GOOD again :)
Besides all that I've been looking for work since I got laid off in April. I got a call back last week and I start a new job in Southbury (yeah... a 30 min drive for me) in the middle of this coming week. That means I will finally have some money. I'm really excited. I need this job for so many reasons. A big one is to help take my mind off of things, another is because I need money to start the kickboxing classes I really really REALLY want to take. I know that will get me in shape and off to losing weight. I also want to go to NYC again. I miss that place!
This is where I end this long post. But before I do so I want to say something to Sean. I know he will probably never ever read this but I still need to get this off my chest.
Dear Sean,
I don't hate you. I understand more then you think. I hope that nothing but wonderful things come to you in your future. I want you to be happy and successful. I will look back on the past 5 months and remember all the big and small things. I believe that you will do great in life. That you will achieve everything you set your mind to. Never forget that you are wonderful and deserve the best. I will always have a special place for you in my heart.
-Lisa
(out of every single depressing "break up song" I've been listening to this is the one that best describes how I've been feeling.)
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