Today is fathers day. I haven't bothered calling my father. I didn't send him a card either. I just figured that it wouldn't matter if I did or didn't. After all, this is the same person that told me that everything I think and feel is stupid and to shut up and that I'm stupid and just shouldn't talk. So, he can consider his wish granted. I won't talk or bother trying to communicate with him. He's got my other (half) siblings to remember him.
I did, however, wish my mother a happy fathers day. She did the job of TWO people my entire life. With out a single penny from my father. Working extra hard to over compensate for my absentee father. He hasn't come to CT to visit me in 10 years. I've always had to go there to see him. So if he doesn't see me it's no big deal to him. But he can go and visit my other (half) sister in Puerto Rico and spend time with her. Goes to show how little my older brother and I matter to him. His first son and first daughter are pretty much a forgotten memory to him. I seem to be that for a lot of people. Or so I've noticed.
My older (half) sister and her two kids gave me hell for expressing how upset I am about them having to crash here with her excess luggage of 2 small children and 2 teens. What I wrote was on Facebook but it's set to privet and ONLY the people on my friends list can see it. Apparently it's kosher for my older (half) sister to sit on the computer and dry-beg ON HER FACEBOOK WALL! but it's messed up if I express my dissatisfaction with my soon to be living arrangements, forced upon me btw. I see something very much messed up with this picture. I don't get it. I have always been the one to do something wrong. Apparently, that's all I'm good for. I've never been rewarded or complimented for anything from my family. I'm a walking mistake. I was yelled at my entire life. from my mom, brother, dad... everyone. I couldn't get anything right. Living like that was pretty much the worst life a child could be raised in (short from abuse, drug use and other misc things) never really knowing what positive feedback felt like. So as usual I got yelled at for expressing myself on something my older (half) sister had no right seeing to begin with. She's friend requested me like 4 times and I keep denying her. Her two kids saw it and all hell broke loose. My mother IMMEDIATELY jumped down my throat. But instead of backing down and just apologizing as I normally would, I went toe to toe with her and told her that my older (half) sister has no right to say anything. She's just pissed that I said how I feel, when did the law pass that a person can't express themselves. I'm going to express myself and I don't care if she likes it or not. She can go fuck herself for all I care. My older (half) sister should go look for a job opposite of her husbands hours and support her family too. No one told her to have 5 kids. Her mistake is her own, no one elses. Needless to say, my mother backed off.
This happened yesterday. We haven't talked about it. I refuse to talk about it. I decided to take on the mind set that I'm going to keep living my life. If they come here I'm just going to have to deal. I'm going to come and go as I please, clean my rats cages whenever I want to, play music as loud and at any time like I want to, speak however I want to (that includes swearing and having her kids hear the "F" word A LOT. Oh dear...their "virgin" ears! -rolls eyes-). I'm not going to make anyone happy. No one looks out for me. The only people that have are my VERY close friends. I only have 3 best friends. That's it. Everyone else is kinda just there. I put them in the "hi/bye" category. Pretty much if I don't speak to you at least 1x a week, you're in the "hi/bye" category. It's a pretty easy way of sorting people out.
My oldest nephew (my older half sisters oldest son. Age 20) has tried calling me, texting me, IMing me. I have no desire to speak to him (he's not moving up here btw). He threw me under the bus. The little liar said that I've been talking shit about my sister and her crappy child raising skills for years. That is a bold-face LIE! I only started saying shit last year when my mom told me to get in contact with him because he was going to be homeless. I was trying to get him to come here so he would be safe. I slipped and did say some stuff but I had only said it to him THAT ONE TIME. Never before hand. I never said a thing about her to him prior to that. I just would ask him how he's doing and other random stuff. Nothing to do with his parents OR siblings. That kid is a liar and I'm so pissed that he threw me under the bus like that. I hope they go move with him in his apartment so he can deal with his mother and not me.
The more I think about this, the more stressed I'm going to be. I'm trying to keep my stress down. I want to avoid having to pop more Xanax if possible.
Today has been a day of ongoing disappointment. Makes sense after ALL the horrible news I've gotten last week.
I don't think I realized the end of Sean and my relationship until Friday. 2 weeks after the break up. I wanted so badly to see him. To know that he's there for me. But I quickly realized that he's really gone. I can't call him, I can't see him... I can't reach out. He's out of my life. At that moment I felt so scared. Like I will never again feel as happy with another person as I did with him. I will never feel that comfortable or care free or.... loved. I miss him. I felt so broken. And a part of me still really does. I feel like I haven't allowed myself to fully mourn the end of my relationship with him because it's easier then suffering. No matter how much all this hurts it was worth it. I had 5 amazing months with him. I don't regret it. I don't regret a single thing. I just wish it didn't have to end. At least, not the way it did.
While he fell out of love with me, I continue to love him. It's foolish, I know. But I can't help it.
My sweet little dreamer... I still think of you and miss you.
"And it will take this life of regret, before my heart learns to forget, tomorrow will be as it alwasy has been, and i will fall to him again, before i know i have come to close. He is my sunlight, and the sun is gone."
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