I'm taking a chance, letting you inside

Two years have passed since Sean walked out of my life. A lot has happened in the past 2 years.

For a while I held off, praying he would come back. At one point I thought he did. An unfamiliar number called me, just 4 or so months after he left. I didn't pick up. They didn't leave a message either. Deep down inside I knew it was him.
I never called back. To this day, I wonder about it. We've never bumped into one another, but I have seen his parents. I always run up to greet them. I was very close to them both and miss them deeply.
I can't say I regret anything with Sean. In fact, I learned more about a relationship in those 5 months then I had in any of my past relationships (that ranged from 1 month to 3 years long).

The boyfriends I've had in the past would disregard me. No matter how hard I tried to get them to care about me... none of them ever did. I remember having one boyfriend that would forward ALL my calls to his voice mail, because he hated talking to me that much. Another one spent our 6 month anniversary with his (female) best friend playing pool and drinking. And then others would either verbally or emotionally abuse me. I felt like this was the life I was destined to have. One filled with self loathing.

Although Sean caused me the most pain, he ironically, treated me the best.
I feel like Sean really did love me. I have not once doubted that. But I blame his lack of experience and maturity (he's 5 years younger then me) for how he ended things with me.

Two years ago, my heart was broken. I fell into a very deep depression. It carried on for over a year. I was on and off certain anti- depressants. I with drew from my friends, locked myself away from the world. I picked up some old "reckless" habits, that I am not proud of. I dated guys that were either bums or scum of the earth. I made sure to keep myself from growing any emotional attachment to anyone I dated. I wasn't ready to be in a relationship.

Back in August/September 2012 I started walking to someone. I was still on my "keep every guy at an arms length away" kick and I was pretty bitchy to him from the start (it was merely a defense mechanism). While keeping my guard up it didn't take long before I pushed him away. Once simple misunderstanding and we were on each others "shit list". I forgot about him and moved on.

I celebrated Christmas and New years alone. I kept to myself, went on some very disappointing dates.
In February of this year I started seeing someone who was more guarded then I ever was. He had a very sarcastic side. I did not appreciate this whatsoever. But I tried my hardest to see past it. After he said he would call me on Friday and never contacted me until Tuesday I decided to wipe my hands clean of him. He was too broken and too unreliable.

On St. Patrick's day (3-17-13) I reached out to that same guy I spoke to back in August/September. Totally forgetting why we stopped talking I sent him a message. My guard was FINALLY down and I was open to seeing were things went (yes, with someone I deeply disliked at one point). We got to talking and had some great conversations. After just a few weeks and spending some time together we became a couple and that's who I am currently with.

It's funny how things work out. I feel like I have known him for years and years. I can't imagine living one day with out him in it. He restored my faith in people. And has made me see that all those "mistakes" in my past weren't mistakes, they were lessons. Lessons that maybe I wouldn't have learned if they didn't hurt so bad. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I couldn't have dreamed of a better boyfriend if I tried. To me, he's perfect and I wouldn't change a single thing about him. Other then I wish he lived closer. But that will be fixed over time.

Looking back, I'm so grateful to all those guys that treated me like shit and all those relationships that never worked out. It all lead me to the here and now.

It all lead me to him.

Yeah this kinda sums things up for me.

He's just not that into... ME!

I recently reentered the nightmarish world of dating. It hasn't been THAT bad, but I've always thought that it would be nice to just meet the person I'm supposed to be with and have that be that. Life just isn't that simple.

I've dated all kinds....
the over emotional, still attached to his ex, prissy, mama's boy. - Oh that was a roller coaster of fun! The emotionally detached, silent, boring, cut throat, abusive douch bag. - That did wonders on my self-esteem by the way.
The unemployed, unmotivated, uneducated, unambitious sad excuse for a human being. - I would rather be alone.

 It's almost like, no matter what I can't catch a break. I've never been the type of person that needed the "hot" guy (if I so happen to find that then GREAT!). I would rather just have an average all around, loyal, affectionate, hard working, funny guy. Believe it or not... it's damn near impossible (if not, totally impossible) to find this kind of guy. They tend to have some other weird flaw. Like being unemployed (for more then 3 months, no excuse! get a job!) a drunk, clingy, crazy, controlling, boring, no car/license... or... has emotional baggage.

Geesh! emotional baggage is one of the worst things a guy can have. I dated a guy that was hung up over his ex. Clearly she didn't love him because she cheated on him and she turned down his marriage proposal and broke up with him. I dunno... that's a pretty good sign that you should move on. Even after like 4 years he was still hung up on her. HELLO! move on! that's just pathetic.
I have loved 2 people and was forced to let them go. After Sean I never wanted to love again. But I did. I have absolutely no regrets. I could easily be like the guys I've met and let these people define me. I refuse to. I'm better and stronger then that. I just don't understand how anyone could go years with hate and anger in their heart. Let it go! I have no hard feelings for ANYONE that I have dated and has hurt me. I want the best for them and hope that they are happy.

Besides all that there isn't much to update.

Flying out on Sunday. I CAN'T WAIT! Las Vegas here I come!

I'm pretty sure I mentioned this but I'm on new meds. I'm on Lexapro and Abilify. I have to take both of them. And they are working great. In fact I have so much energy I can't seem to get tired. All I want to do is clean or cook or do something. The meds are definitely helping me cope with certain things in my life.

My friends have seen a positive change in me. Thank goodness :D
I won't give up on anything. Not the dating world, not the working world, not the ... ANYTHING. I got way to much faith to let anything keep me down. I know I'm going to find someone amazing. And I'm going to find a great job and move out. I refuse to let some set backs keep me from my goals. I'm going to lose weight, feel great and have a great year :)

Until next time blog readers... BYE BYE!!

This is kinda how I feel ....

Disappointed + Silence = ....

All I wanted today was someone to talk to. It seemed like the only people I actually wanted to talk to were far to busy to take 10 minutes out of their day to listen to me and just be there. I feel really alone right now. I just want to cry. Actually, that's exactly what I'm doing.

 I feel so disappointed in the VERY LIMITED number of people I want to say I feel like confiding into. I may have the capacity to stand alone. I did it for years at a time in the past, but that's not a life style I want to lead. It's the past I thought I left far behind me. Clearly I was wrong. Today was a horrible and lonely day for me. I thought I was going to go out with my friend, that didn't happen, I thought I was going to get a hold of someone about a position... that didn't happen.

Nothing worked out as expected. So I'm going to take my meds and call it a night. I'm so hurt and disappointed by the select people I wanted to talk to. After tonight I've made the choice to just keep things to myself. To not bother texting or calling anyone.

I just want to find one person that cares about me as much as I care about them and they actually show it. I won't give up. I know he's out there. And I will find him. Until then... I'll remain alone.

Won't let this keep me down

Well... well.. well.... how things can take a very rapid nose dive in just the course of 72 hours. Sad, if you think about it.
I'm pretty sure no one reads this so I'm going to go on ahead and just spill my guts.

I left my job at LogistiCare (that I hated with every fiber in my body) to take a chance at a new job that WAS NOT a guarantee. So I took the leap and sure enough... it backfired right in my face. After just two days I was let go. Why? I have no fucking clue. I didn't get a reason, just a phone call letting me know they no longer needed me. I felt absolutely devastated and emotional. All I wanted was to cry my eyes out and I did... a few times already in fact.

This morning (at 5am to be exact) I jumped online and applied to 30 jobs. I dug up the name and information of someone that may be able to help me out. And I found a placed that is having a job fair in North Haven on Tuesday. I'm going to make sure and not let this keep me down. I'm better then that. I'm determined to find something else. Soon. I'm hard working and will give 110% to any job.

I'm trying to think of it as ... it wasn't meant to be. Like so many other things in my life that didn't work out, for whatever reason, it just wasn't meant to be. I'm EXTREMELY lucky to have a really supportive mom (that will not leave me alone about moving to FL with her next year) and some great friends that are really being there for me. I'm so grateful to each and every person that has listened to me and have encouraged me to not give up.

Thank you.

So... for now I'm ... (dare I say it)... Unemployed. *cring* I feel like a total bum. Ew... I'm exactly what I'm against. Funny how that shit happens huh? Well... unlike all the bums I've met I'm being proactive and applying like crazy and putting things in motion to the best of my ability. So I guess I'm better. LOL.

Ok so I better get to some of the things I need to take care of today. Like cleaning. Since shopping is totally OUT OF THE QUESTION. Until I have an income again. That I'm praying will be soon.

I'm just a happy mess

I'm taking a break from cleaning. I got most of it done. Now I have a few loads of laundry to do and some bathroom scrubbing. Not looking forward to any of that whatsoever.

This past week flew by and I can't wait for Wednesday. I have TONS of stuff I need to do and I'm praying my new job doesn't want me to start until THURSDAY. Or even better, next Monday.
As much as I loath my job, I'm going to deeply miss some of the people I have gotten to know. The people I see and speak to on a daily basis. The ones that come to my desk to stop in and say hi. I'm scared to start a new job. I've been at my current one for 1.5 years now and am so used to it that it's like second nature to me, That at one point in time I thought I would never grasp. But like all obstetrical I have been faced with, I have over come.

I'm so scared to start another job and move out and do all these things that I've avoided doing due to fear. I don't want to fail. If I do I have nothing to fall back on. I try not to think about it or talk about it but deep down it consumes me.

Right now, I have no one. My mom that I see 1 day a week and my friends I see here and there. For the past 20 years I have had to celebrate holidays, birthdays, special occasions alone or with 1 or 2 people. I don't know if all that has been preparing me for what's to come but I wish I had more then just 4 or 5 amazing memories to look back on in the past 20 years.

Some people wonder why I am the one that walks around with a camera in my bag. Or I'm snapping pictures with my phone at any given moment. It's because when everyone has walked away and have continued with their lives (that I may or may not be a part of) I can look back on those pictures and know that it was real. That for that moment in time, I was truly happy.

It's kinda sad because a part of me has given up on some of my friends. I've always been the type to make plans and make sure we're going to hang out and all that. Not anymore. I don't make plans, I don't call and I definitely don't text (the texting goes for everyone though). I'm tired of being the one to reach out. So when I get to the point of deleting a persons number, it's not because I don't care it's because I got sick of waiting around. I don't keep people in my life unless they bring good into it.

Today is just another day. Tomorrow is the beginning of my work week and I need to make plans for things to do once I get out of work. Sushi at some point is a must! I better end this. I'm getting to the point of rambling and no one likes that!

Welcome to 2013

So I don't update as much as I used to. Mainly because there isn't much to report. A whole lot of nothing. My life is pretty boring. I've never been a person with a ton of shit going on.

While most people are swearing up and down that they are going to lose weight or kick the cancer stick habit or stop doing this and that I've got a very different New Years resolution. One that I know I can stick too. Especially because it's not impossible to do.

My New Years Resolution is... no more casual dating. To find one person and just stick with them.
This is a tall order for every guy I know and have met so I'm not going to be going out, messing around, talking to blah blah blah with guys. No kissing, no touching (beyond a hug). Nothing.
I've reached a point of so much disappointment in guys that I've literally hit rock bottom. I am really burned and am craving something real. Not some bull shit facade that is made to entertain me. That's led to an over abundance of heart break and disappointment.

Along with this resolution comes several other changes. Such as; not giving a shit. Most people that know me... or shall I say... KNEW ME... remember someone that is constantly checking and seeing if plans are on. Making sure people are ok, talking, making plans and etc. No more. That person is gone and has been taken over by the "not giving a shit" me. I don't confirm plans with anyone.
If I don't hear from them I go on and make other plans. I actually have a rather hilarious story about this very issue. LMFAO!

I don't seek out to make plans with people. They have my phone number and are (more then likely) on my friends list. They have the capacity of reaching out to me, it's a matter of want. So I just don't bother with them. Out of sight out of mind! that's how I live :D

Ever since I've taken on this new "outlook" I'm a lot less stressed out and anxious. The meds help too. But still limiting my exposure to negativity helps a lot.
I have very few people I can call my friend. I can count on just 1 hand in fact. That's actually normal for me though. I like to say that I know a lot of people but I have very few friends. :)

Not sure who, if anyone, reads my blog but if you don't know about what happened with Loki the whole adoption fell through. I didn't get him. I was really sad and depressed at first but then I found the most amazing cat that was in need of a good home. Scout! He was at the animal shelter. Skinny as a rail and in serious need of TLC. So I decided to foster him and he came home with me.
This boy is SPOILED! and that's a major understatement. He has gained weight and is showered with love all the time. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. He's taught me that everything really does happen for a reason. I am so thrilled that Loki didn't end up being mine. That Scout is mine and is my sweet little prince. I would be lost with out him.

Besides all that there isn't much to say.

I learned a lot about myself with in the year of 2012. I learned how strong I am, how forgiving and how rare real friends are.

I have no regrets about what happened this year. Even though I got really hurt. But it was a hurt I needed to feel. A "hurt" that was more of a reminder that I could feel. That I wasn't void of all emotion. I still feel that pain and I try to use it as a driving force to make positive changes in my life.
I like to think that one day I'm gonna find someone that wants me and that will be there and won't hurt me. But ... who knows. Until then I'm going to embrace my freedom and live my life to the fullest.

My hope for 2013... is to be happy.

To find a better job, that pays MORE. To travel... go on adventures and to just... live.

Where did I go wrong?

I don't like writing "depressing" posts but tonight I honestly can't help it.

This weekend I had tons planned. I was going to clean and keep myself busy. I was looking forward to today because I had gone out and bought all the ingredients for a nice dinner that I was going to make from scratch and bring it to my friend that has been having a bad run of luck recently. I figured it would be nice to be there for someone. I know what it's like to be alone and in need of someone to be there for you.

Well I reached out to this person TWICE via text. Asking if they still wanted me to go and see them. No answer. I dunno what happened. I have that same crappy, "thrown away" feeling I had when Sean left. I hate this feeling. It's honestly one of the worst feelings anyone could ever feel. The only difference is I KNOW that it's not my fault. I am an AMAZING friend and anyone lucky to have me in their life can confirm it. I feel stupid for caring so much about a person that, honestly, didn't deserve it. A person that probably didn't care from the start. A person that did to me what others have done in the past. You think I would learn my lesson by now, NOPE! took one last feeling of pure shit to be reminded that I deserve better people in my life.

So after having a tiny bit of the (old) me creeping out and being shunned away... AGAIN. I'm going to keep it locked away. I'm going to take this lesson and learn from it. Embrace the mistake and be more careful. Give less, take more... that type of thing.

Thank you to the only two people that were there for me tonight. Andy & John. I appreciate your very presence in my life.

I better end this. Have a good night everyone.

These guys are AMAZING live and really sweet. (I actually met them). I listen to this song every time I lose a friend. I listen to this song a lot.