Here I am, instead of
driving my way home from visiting Sarah but instead I'm home crying my eyes out. I feel
horrible. Although I know this feeling will pass, right now I'm
filled with a bunch of terrible feelings while listening to Jordan
Sparks.
I feel really guilty. I
set everything up for failure. I was to meet up with Andy last night
and my negativity got the better of me. I can't say I blame him for
permanently removing me from his life. Hell, I would too. I just wish
I could have seen him one last time. I think I was openly expressing
my doubt and fears because seeing it and hearing it kept me in a
“realistic” check. To feel less foolish if things didn't work out
like I had (internally) hoped.
A part of me never stopped
loving Andy. I had so much faith in him all those years ago and after
each time he let me down I somehow mustered up the ability to
continue believing in him. And I'm happy I did. Because he's doing
great in his life. He's got a lot going for him and that's all that
matters.
Yesterday was filled with
multiple “realistic” blows. From all angles. My doctor (who is
the most serious female I have ever met in my life) put me on a VERY
strict diet. Carb free. She told me that I NEED to lose weight (well
thank you for telling me something I had no idea about. WOW!) and
sent me for blood work to check all my vitamin levels and other
miscellaneous shit. And I need to get x-rays of my knees. I have
arthritis in my knees. I didn't want to hear that. I've seen first
hand what it's done to my mom and it made me really depressed. I'm
trying really hard not to let it effect me so much but to be honest I
don't want knee surgery. I was so deeply hoping that my surgery days
were long behind me. Then I find this shit out and I hate it.
Well now that I've found
out that my knees are shot to hell and one of the people I've loved
the most in my life wrote me off what do I have left?
Nothing.
So what can I do? Work on
myself. Focus on ME and fixing ME so when I am ready to be with
someone they have nothing to fix. Because I've already fixed myself.
So I can focus on making a relationship work.
This carb free diet will
be the best thing for me. I feel horrible about myself. And because
of that it's projected in everything I do.
I can't even go out on
dates because I don't feel good enough. I wanna be beautiful again.
And I will be.
The ONLY bright side of things is that I got some new glasses! I'm totally in love with them :D
I plan on getting my 2nd holes RE-pierced (for the 4th time). And I'm doing it for one reason...
Sadly I have my 1st holes gauged at 12s and I can't take my earrings out :/ sounds stupid but once my ears got pierced with those things they have stayed in. For the past 6 years I've had them in and never taken them out. I wouldn't mind gauging up to a 10 but I have no idea how to take the ones I have on off. ugh... go figure.
So any earrings I want I have to put in my 2nd holes. Hence why I'm going to re-pierce.
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