I'm up for the let down

Not much good news to report. After numerous disappointments I've decided to branch away from the majority of people I know. Not so much the close friends I have (that consist of 2 people) but everyone else.

It seems like no matter how hard I try to accept humans for the walking mistakes that they are I can't seem to get it through my head. I find myself getting more and more impatient with others errors and walking away before things get worse. After all... I like to ALWAYS play it safe. Avoid situations were I get hurt. 

I knew the time would come were the fun stopped, the social gatherings would dwindle and my “friends” would become a memory.

Sure enough... it happened. I didn't think it would be so soon, but it did. I enjoyed it to the fullest while it lasted. It was real. Even if it was for a few short weeks, in my heart, it was real.

I no longer talk to the people I called my friends. For multiple reasons. I think we just grew apart. I felt like the 3^rd wheel on several occasions and to spare others the “weird” feeling I decided to just leave well enough alone and walk away.

I thought one particular person was on my side but I was wrong (again). This person walked out of my life, with out an explanation or warning (geee... this is what Sean and many others have done to me) and stole a gift that was given to me. I have repeatedly asked for it back but no reply. That's what hurts the most. Not getting something I loaned to someone back. I could care less if I ever see the person again, I'm used to people not sticking around. It's the fact that a gift that was given to ME by someone I love deeply was stolen. And I need that back. 

There are other things that have occurred that makes me happy I'm just keeping to myself. I don't need certain types of people in my life. And it seems as if the worst kind of people are the ones I seem to attract. Lucky me.

The dating world also has had it's disappointments. I seem to ALWAYS attract the bums. It's as if “god” has a special kind of plan set out for me. Don't only take in animals people don't want but also take in people NOBODY wants. I did not sign up for this shit! 

As much as a part of me kind of misses having someone a bigger part of me is happy I don't. I see what a relationship does to people and I can't imagine making others feel the way I've been made to feel. I've shut down emotionally to keep myself from suffering. I don't ever want to be made to feel as worthless, as small, as insignificant, as unloved, as unappreciated, as forgotten and as used as I've been made to feel. The right thing for me is to be alone. Others would argue that it's not “normal” or “right”. Well to be fair I'm not normal or right. So it all makes sense. 

Even with knowing all that I still get lonely. I look at my phone trying to see if there's one person I could reach out to and finding out there isn't just makes me really disappointed.

I've given up on people (for the most part) but I refuse to give up on myself.