Would you give me a reason to believe

I came to a realization about Andy last night. He went through what I'm going through.
It's so complicated and an emotion and mind frame that most people won't understand.

He and I started seeing one another around 3-4 yrs ago. He would make plans with me and then
ALWAYS back out. He followed through twice. I didn't want to give up on him, but after 7 months I was left with no other choice but to walk away. So I gave up and left.
I stopped talking to him and forgot all about him. After Sean broke it off with me he came back around, wanting a second chance. And me being me said NO. I strung him along for a while to see if his feelings were legit. After 1.5 years why the hell would anyone want to stir things back up?
I finally admitted I wanted nothing to do with him again in a "romantic" dating sense. We can be (distant) friends but beyond that his chance of anything were gone. I only give people one chance and that's it.  He admitted he messed up. He dated other girls after seeing me and they were no good.
Well, OBVIOUSLY! no one can beat how amazing of a girlfriend I am. It wasn't enough. I'm not going to fall for THAT. So we remained in contact. Texted every few months.

After Chris and I broke up he came back around. Shocker. Some people just won't give up.
The thing is, I deeply cared for him. I wanted to be with him so badly but he just wasn't feeling it, wanting it... whatever. I agreed that we can hang out. We got along amazingly well and I was actually happy with him that's why i stuck around for as long as I did. Probably a really stupid idea but I learned from THAT experience. Never wait for someone. Let go and move on. If they come back around then fine, if not it wasn't meant to be.
He came back around.

My recent issue involves me totally pulling away from everyone. I make plans and then back out. I reach out to only 2 people (Jenn & Sarah). and only talk to and hang out with those two. Anyone else I'll make impulse plans with and then back out all of a sudden. My anxiety, that seems to be getting worse, takes over and I don't follow through with the plans. I deleted my Facebook account because I want to keep away from the world THAT badly. I don't want to know about anyone and I don't want anyone to know about me. Out of sight out of mind. That's pretty much how I've lived my life for the past 8 years. It does wonders to avoid attachment to people. I haven't gotten attached to anyone in over a year.

I made plans to see a friend today. The thought of hanging out makes me really anxious. I don't want to talk with anyone. I don't even talk on the phone. I just text. I avoid verbal conversations at any cost. At least with text messages I can avoid people if I so choose to. I start seeing a new therapist on Friday. I hope this helps. This is going to be the 4th therapist I see in the last year. He seems like a nice guy. I also go to the doctor on 7/20. I hope to get an inhaler for my asthma and see what's going on with my knee so I can go back to the gym. I can give myself something to do instead of being
stuck at home doing nothing.
I've become quite a homebody. I love being home and staying in bed and just watching episodes of Switched at Birth. That show is SOOOO good! I'm addicted. 
Besides that, i do nothing. I don't even have the willpower to clean. I do the minimum. Clean clothes, take a shower, feed the rats, change their water. But that's it. -sigh-

I'm going to the eye doctor tomorrow. I NEED new glasses really badly.  There is also a Pet Fair from 11am-2pm. I may take a couple of my babies out to the park. On Sunday there is a Psychic Fair in Southington. I love that stuff! So I'm thinking I'll pop in and see if there are any good psychics over there. I really need to get my cards read (again). The last time I had them read EVERY SINGLE THING ended up happening. Other then one part that won't ever happen, I'll make sure of it.

Andy invited me to go up to spend the night Monday into Tuesday. I've put thought into it but I can't. Not until I get all this other stuff figured out I just can't. I want to see him. And we've made plans to get together, but I'M the one that backs out now or doesn't reach out to him to make sure things are set in stone. Geeee... how the tables have turned.

(Note: THIS is the greatest way to kiss. I loved this upside-down kiss when I first had it.)
I'm afraid to see him. To have him near me again. To kiss him and never want to let go. We were SO happy together. At least I thought so. But he wasn't ready then and I'm not ready now and it's stupid. How two people can want to be together but can't seem to make it work out. I wanted nothing more but to be with him 3 years ago and he wants to be with me now and I don't think I'm ever going to want to be with anyone. At least not in a reasonable amount of time.
I remember kissing him. I remember everything. I remember the smallest detail and I hate it. I hate it because I don't want to. I want to lock those memories away and never EVER think of them. Being with Andy was the only other time I was happy. Andy and Sean. Those are the only two people that have ever made me truly and deeply happy. I forgot all about how happy I was with Andy because I spent so much time trying to forget until finally I had.

  (Note: Guys with tattoos turn me on like crazy. A guys with tattoos AND piercings is even better!)