Busy Bee!

So I started this whole diet yesterday. My food consumption has taken a DRASTIC drop. I feel like I eat nothing. When I get hungry I eat some sort of fruit. Mango's have become my fruit of choice at this point. Although the orange is closely behind it. Tomorrow's breakfast is 2 eggs (scrambled) and a few slices of turkey bacon. Lunch is sliced beef mixed with veggies. I have oranges, mango, banana and apple for a treat. My food option is really limited. Especially since I loath 75% of the vegetables out there. The only ones I like include Mushrooms, carrots, celery, corn, broccoli, peas, onions and that's it. I loath peppers. That shit seems to be in EVERYTHING. I pick them out. Yuck! 

As much as I want to hate this whole diet thing I really don't. I already can't have dairy, so there is no big loss. The bread... that's really tough. My favorite candy is like 28g of carb! :(

I just gotta hang in there for another … -gulp-... 6.5 weeks. I better be like 40lbs less. Ok that's totally unrealistic but I really should loss a significant amount of weight. The weird thing is, one of the things I miss the most is seeing my collar bone and ribs. Like when I would breath in I could totally feel my bones and my hips were super boney. GOD! I wanna be skinny.

I want that. I want to feel sexy again. Although... when I was substantially smaller I still wasn't happy. I loved being able to do more because I was so much smaller. But guys wouldn't really talk to me. And I lost weight for myself AND to find someone. I really think it's because guys already thought I was with someone. I was really really small. At my lightest I was nearly single digits in clothing size. And that's a BIG deal for me. To be a size 8. I fit into a small. A SMALL! Oh my god... what I would give to fit into a small.

I'll get there. I know I will. I just have to keep going. Once I'm down around 20lbs then I'll try going to the gym. My doctor told me to first focus on losing weight THEN going to work out. Makes sense. 

                                         At my smallest.

  I am DETERMINED to look like this again. Nothing can stop me.
                                               

Moving on...

This week has been CRAZY! Well... sorta. I gotta come home and clean and do laundry and feed the animals, make my breakfast (for the next day), make my lunch (for the next day) and make my dinner (for that same day).

I have to cut up my fruit and then make sure I have enough packed.

Then I gotta pick out my clothes for work the next day, then I gotta take a shower and finally lay in bed. Tonight I rented a movie so I'm gonna enjoy that!

Tomorrow I'm going to Jenns after work. Gonna hang out there then go grocery shopping for the remainder of the week. Gotta get meats and fruit.

Thursday I'm seeing Randy and Jess. Meeting some new people at karaoke so I'm really excited. It's gonna be GREAT! Friday going to see my p-doc. I really hate having so many dr's. Then I gotta either go help Jess with the preparations of the tag sale or going to see Dina. I loves Dina :D She's awesome!

Saturday going to do the hole Tag sale thing and I'm gonna see if I can bring Bay and Amelia. Bay is really attached to me. I got other plans but those aren't set in stone yet.

So this week is turning out to be great! I'm really happy. 

Today I realized... I finally let go of Sean. I never thought I could. I was so hardened by what happened. I had built this wall around my heart and I didn't want to let anyone through. I was focusing so much on what happened and avoiding having it happen again that I was letting a really great guy slip right threw my fingers.

Once I realized what a major mistake all that would be I put an immediate stop to the negative thinking and knew that I couldn't lose him. That deep down inside (locked away) I loved him and I didn't want to live with regret. The same way I know so many people are currently living.

I'm happy he's still in my life. Now I just gotta see him again. Damn this conflicting schedule! 

On a side note, I'm letting my hair grow out. Yeah I say that every single summer. Then it gets cut like a boys hair come winter time. This time I'm going to see if I can actually let it get as far as my shoulders. I actually don't look so bad.

I better end this. I still need to take a shower, change laundry over and watch the movie I rented.

So now I'm walking on a tightrope wire

No clue how long this will be but I'll try and make this quick. I'm currently soaking wet and sweating bullets. (GROSS!)

This weekend took a drastic turn for the better today.

I went and visited Sarah and Joe. I took Bay with me. She's such a moosh ball. So I hung out there and Sarah pierced my ears. This time it's not bothering me nearly as much as the first lord knows how many times. 

Then I headed to Jesse's to try this strawberry pie that looked DELICIOUS. I hung out there and we talked and I got a TON of stuff off my chest. Things that has been on my mind for a while now. Things I don't generally talk about. I feel much more at ease now that I actually talked about it. And with someone that understands.

I'm really grateful for my friends. Like I always say, I would be lost with out them. 

We talked, laughed, cried... it felt wonderful. I feel really optimistic. With this whole diet thing I'm hoping that my health improves. I want to have a great time in Atlantic City this year. Although the guy that was drunk, singing and flashing 6^th graders was really hilarious last year. I would love to see that again. Hehehe.

I figured it out. Well.. sorta... I figured out something. What I need is to stay busy. To be cleaning, playing games, hanging out with friends... anything. That helps me A LOT. It helps my depression, it helps my anxiety, it helps ME. I need to stay busy. To be occupied with something. Even just hanging out with someone. I'm doing something to entertaining myself. People can always tell that I have tons and tons and tooooonnnns of energy. Apparently by the tone of my voice. Go figure. You don't even need to know me to know that my energy level is crazy. 

So I'm going to put all this energy to good use. I'm going to go to Karaoke with Jesse and Randy on Thursday. Then Friday I may go hang out with Jesse again and then Saturday I'm helping her with this tag said she's setting up. I love stuff like that! (again, keeping myself super busy helps so much).

Then Sunday is my day to see Sarah and Joe!

This Mon-Wed I'm working 8-6. I need to make up for the time I missed on Friday.

So I'm packing extra... stuff to eat at work. My choices have been limited to fruit, vegetables and meat. Oh and ice. Can't forget good old ICE! Ugh... I better see some serious results this time next week. The next 7 weeks are going to be pure hell for me.

I told Sarah about what happened on Friday. How Andy made the choice to remove me from his life. Then I explained to her how I felt. And that how I felt had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. How I'm trying to deal with all these issues. And she stops and looks at me and says “But wouldn't you want someone there to just be with, talk to and confide in? He could have been that.”

Apparently just because Sarah is 8 years younger then me it doesn't mean I'm wiser then her. She was right. 100% right. I started feeling even more guilty and dumb then I already had. I fucked up. My stupid negativity really fucked it up.

-sigh-

I better go jump in the shower. My clothes it starting to itch and feel really really uncomfortable. This is what I get when I fill the base of the rat cage up with water and drop it (filled with water) by accident. I get a great big MESS... ew.

 Jesse's dog (Lilly) she wanted me to throw the ball. LOFL!

                         This pretty much sums it all up. :(

I shot for the sky... I'm stuck on the ground.

Here I am, instead of driving my way home from visiting Sarah but instead I'm home crying my eyes out. I feel horrible. Although I know this feeling will pass, right now I'm filled with a bunch of terrible feelings while listening to Jordan Sparks. 

I feel really guilty. I set everything up for failure. I was to meet up with Andy last night and my negativity got the better of me. I can't say I blame him for permanently removing me from his life. Hell, I would too. I just wish I could have seen him one last time. I think I was openly expressing my doubt and fears because seeing it and hearing it kept me in a “realistic” check. To feel less foolish if things didn't work out like I had (internally) hoped.

A part of me never stopped loving Andy. I had so much faith in him all those years ago and after each time he let me down I somehow mustered up the ability to continue believing in him. And I'm happy I did. Because he's doing great in his life. He's got a lot going for him and that's all that matters. 

Yesterday was filled with multiple “realistic” blows. From all angles. My doctor (who is the most serious female I have ever met in my life) put me on a VERY strict diet. Carb free. She told me that I NEED to lose weight (well thank you for telling me something I had no idea about. WOW!) and sent me for blood work to check all my vitamin levels and other miscellaneous shit. And I need to get x-rays of my knees. I have arthritis in my knees. I didn't want to hear that. I've seen first hand what it's done to my mom and it made me really depressed. I'm trying really hard not to let it effect me so much but to be honest I don't want knee surgery. I was so deeply hoping that my surgery days were long behind me. Then I find this shit out and I hate it. 

Well now that I've found out that my knees are shot to hell and one of the people I've loved the most in my life wrote me off what do I have left?

Nothing.

So what can I do? Work on myself. Focus on ME and fixing ME so when I am ready to be with someone they have nothing to fix. Because I've already fixed myself. So I can focus on making a relationship work.

This carb free diet will be the best thing for me. I feel horrible about myself. And because of that it's projected in everything I do.

I can't even go out on dates because I don't feel good enough. I wanna be beautiful again. And I will be. 

The ONLY bright side of things is that I got some new glasses! I'm totally in love with them :D 

I plan on getting my 2nd holes RE-pierced (for the 4th time). And I'm doing it for one reason...

Sadly I have my 1st holes gauged at 12s and I can't take my earrings out :/ sounds stupid but once my ears got pierced with those things they have stayed in. For the past 6 years I've had them in and never taken them out. I wouldn't mind gauging up to a 10 but I have no idea how to take the ones I have on off. ugh... go figure.

So any earrings I want I have to put in my 2nd holes. Hence why I'm going to re-pierce.

I need to stay away.

I came online to check out glasses so I did that, posted on my usual form and then went poking around another page filled with really neat pictures. I typed in "guys with glasses" (that I find incredibly sexy) and this is one of the pictures that popped up:

My jaw dropped. This guy could pass as Seans twin. I swear he looks so much like him. The only difference is the neck tattoo and his ears aren't gauged like Seans. If I could mold the "perfect" guy for me, this would be it. Beautiful eyes, blonde hair, light skin, tattoos, gauges, a snake bite piercing on the lips ... I can go on and on. Sean was as close as I was ever going to get.
The only thing Sean lacked was life experience and maturity. But all that shit comes in time... I suppose.

Well on about my day (as I drool over how incredibly hot this guy is and how badly I want another guy EXACTLY like him.)
I did nothing today. No, Seriously... I went to the eye dr, spent 1.5 hours there, got my eyes dilated (that is a bitch to deal with btw) and drove home. My eyes were bothering me so much that I wasn't able to stop at the store or the park or even the car was like I wanted to. I came home and went right to bed. I slept for nearly 4 hours. Even when I woke up I had to remind myself "there is NO food in this house. Get up and go grocery shopping." So I did.
Came back and had some dinner and watched my newest addiction (Switched at birth)

I can't get enough. Thank you NetFlix!

Ok I'm pretty sure that's enough rambling. Tomorrow I hope to get things done. That's it for now!

Would you give me a reason to believe

I came to a realization about Andy last night. He went through what I'm going through.
It's so complicated and an emotion and mind frame that most people won't understand.

He and I started seeing one another around 3-4 yrs ago. He would make plans with me and then
ALWAYS back out. He followed through twice. I didn't want to give up on him, but after 7 months I was left with no other choice but to walk away. So I gave up and left.
I stopped talking to him and forgot all about him. After Sean broke it off with me he came back around, wanting a second chance. And me being me said NO. I strung him along for a while to see if his feelings were legit. After 1.5 years why the hell would anyone want to stir things back up?
I finally admitted I wanted nothing to do with him again in a "romantic" dating sense. We can be (distant) friends but beyond that his chance of anything were gone. I only give people one chance and that's it.  He admitted he messed up. He dated other girls after seeing me and they were no good.
Well, OBVIOUSLY! no one can beat how amazing of a girlfriend I am. It wasn't enough. I'm not going to fall for THAT. So we remained in contact. Texted every few months.

After Chris and I broke up he came back around. Shocker. Some people just won't give up.
The thing is, I deeply cared for him. I wanted to be with him so badly but he just wasn't feeling it, wanting it... whatever. I agreed that we can hang out. We got along amazingly well and I was actually happy with him that's why i stuck around for as long as I did. Probably a really stupid idea but I learned from THAT experience. Never wait for someone. Let go and move on. If they come back around then fine, if not it wasn't meant to be.
He came back around.

My recent issue involves me totally pulling away from everyone. I make plans and then back out. I reach out to only 2 people (Jenn & Sarah). and only talk to and hang out with those two. Anyone else I'll make impulse plans with and then back out all of a sudden. My anxiety, that seems to be getting worse, takes over and I don't follow through with the plans. I deleted my Facebook account because I want to keep away from the world THAT badly. I don't want to know about anyone and I don't want anyone to know about me. Out of sight out of mind. That's pretty much how I've lived my life for the past 8 years. It does wonders to avoid attachment to people. I haven't gotten attached to anyone in over a year.

I made plans to see a friend today. The thought of hanging out makes me really anxious. I don't want to talk with anyone. I don't even talk on the phone. I just text. I avoid verbal conversations at any cost. At least with text messages I can avoid people if I so choose to. I start seeing a new therapist on Friday. I hope this helps. This is going to be the 4th therapist I see in the last year. He seems like a nice guy. I also go to the doctor on 7/20. I hope to get an inhaler for my asthma and see what's going on with my knee so I can go back to the gym. I can give myself something to do instead of being
stuck at home doing nothing.
I've become quite a homebody. I love being home and staying in bed and just watching episodes of Switched at Birth. That show is SOOOO good! I'm addicted. 
Besides that, i do nothing. I don't even have the willpower to clean. I do the minimum. Clean clothes, take a shower, feed the rats, change their water. But that's it. -sigh-

I'm going to the eye doctor tomorrow. I NEED new glasses really badly.  There is also a Pet Fair from 11am-2pm. I may take a couple of my babies out to the park. On Sunday there is a Psychic Fair in Southington. I love that stuff! So I'm thinking I'll pop in and see if there are any good psychics over there. I really need to get my cards read (again). The last time I had them read EVERY SINGLE THING ended up happening. Other then one part that won't ever happen, I'll make sure of it.

Andy invited me to go up to spend the night Monday into Tuesday. I've put thought into it but I can't. Not until I get all this other stuff figured out I just can't. I want to see him. And we've made plans to get together, but I'M the one that backs out now or doesn't reach out to him to make sure things are set in stone. Geeee... how the tables have turned.

(Note: THIS is the greatest way to kiss. I loved this upside-down kiss when I first had it.)
I'm afraid to see him. To have him near me again. To kiss him and never want to let go. We were SO happy together. At least I thought so. But he wasn't ready then and I'm not ready now and it's stupid. How two people can want to be together but can't seem to make it work out. I wanted nothing more but to be with him 3 years ago and he wants to be with me now and I don't think I'm ever going to want to be with anyone. At least not in a reasonable amount of time.
I remember kissing him. I remember everything. I remember the smallest detail and I hate it. I hate it because I don't want to. I want to lock those memories away and never EVER think of them. Being with Andy was the only other time I was happy. Andy and Sean. Those are the only two people that have ever made me truly and deeply happy. I forgot all about how happy I was with Andy because I spent so much time trying to forget until finally I had.

  (Note: Guys with tattoos turn me on like crazy. A guys with tattoos AND piercings is even better!)

Run Away

I feel like I'm at odds with myself when it comes to several things.

There are days I miss the affection and general interaction with a guy. More specifically, a
boyfriend. Even when I was with Chris I emotionally checked out at least 3 months into the
relationship. I had no desire to be with ANYONE. But I stuck around trying my hardest to
actually care about another person.
Chris made me "happy" only 5% of the time. The other 95% of the time I was stressed and worried
and wanting out of the relationship. It's hard when you're the ONLY person driving, paying for
stuff and having to carry all this burden while the other person sits back and does nothing.

He complained about not being able to find a job. That's funny, my friend found a job in 1 week
after his unemployment ran up. I have a sinking feeling Chris just didn't want to work as much
as he said he did, if at all.
I feel a LOT of anger and resentment towards Chris. More then I'm sure anyone can understand.
I'm mad because he knew how miserable I was. He knew how badly I wanted to leave him, he KNEW how much better off I was alone but he wouldn't let up. He held on with both hands KNOWING damn well it was the wrong thing to do. He was being selfish and inconsiderate. I feel hurt, angry and used.

I would rather live and die alone then be with someone that cares so little about the other
person that they would rather see that person suffer and be stressed out ALL the time then to
say "ok, just go. I know you're not happy." that's not a good person, boyfriend OR friend.
He's tried reaching out to me but I have nothing nice to say to him so why would I talk to him?
I hope he finally gets it through his thick skull that I want him out of my life. He's the first
boyfriend I have ever had to care so little about me and my happiness that I don't want to talk
to him. Every other guy i ever dated (besides Sean) I ended it with them on ok terms. I explained
the situation, we talked and that was that. They didn't hold on, try to talk me out of it, beg
for another chance. They accepted it and let go. That's why I was and still am ok with them.
Chris on the other hand fought me every time I brought it up.

I think that's why I don't hate Sean. Because as much as he hurt me, he did the right thing
for BOTH of us. The choice of HOW he broke up with me really sucks but WHY he broke up with me is what really shows his colors. yeah he did lie about the stupidest things and he did break
my heart in a billion little pieces, but he did the right thing. He wasn't ready for the life
I wanted and was hopeing to have with him. So he let me go. I would have done the same for someon
I loved. Even if it meant walking away forever.

I've thought a lot about this. And as much as I don't want to admit it to myself OR anyone else
IF sean came back into the picture and wanted a second chance i would be VERY cautious and weary
but I would love to be with him again. I would give anything to feel even a fraction of happiness
that I felt over a year ago.
Right now I've hit rock bottom in multiple ways. I'm totally alone in the friend department (I
have a total of 2 close friends that have their own lives to lead.) I go to work and keep to
myself. Work is not for socializing. It's for WORKING.
I am single and am pretty much leaning more and more towards a FWB relationship over anything
else. I have nothing to offer anyone. I'm emotiionally unavailable and have no desire to be
romantically involved with anyone. I have embraced the single life in one way but I have also
shunned it in another.

I've disabbled my Facebook and a total of ONE person has noticed. It took 3 days for one person
to notice. None of my other "friends" have taken notice that I'm MIA. Go figure.
So due to lack of interaction I'm going to be posting more and more on here. I have no one to
talk to. I feel totally alone and just want to keep away from as many people as possible. If
I do go out I pick and choose WHO i'm willing to see. It sucks but right now my trust in
humanity is non-existant.

September I'm flying out to see my dad and family in Miami. I have at least THAT to look
forward to. And then in December my mom and I are going to Atlantic City. And in January
I'm going back to FL and then in March. I want to spend my 30th Birthday with my dad. I
have nothing up here.

I'm up for the let down

Not much good news to report. After numerous disappointments I've decided to branch away from the majority of people I know. Not so much the close friends I have (that consist of 2 people) but everyone else.

It seems like no matter how hard I try to accept humans for the walking mistakes that they are I can't seem to get it through my head. I find myself getting more and more impatient with others errors and walking away before things get worse. After all... I like to ALWAYS play it safe. Avoid situations were I get hurt. 

I knew the time would come were the fun stopped, the social gatherings would dwindle and my “friends” would become a memory.

Sure enough... it happened. I didn't think it would be so soon, but it did. I enjoyed it to the fullest while it lasted. It was real. Even if it was for a few short weeks, in my heart, it was real.

I no longer talk to the people I called my friends. For multiple reasons. I think we just grew apart. I felt like the 3^rd wheel on several occasions and to spare others the “weird” feeling I decided to just leave well enough alone and walk away.

I thought one particular person was on my side but I was wrong (again). This person walked out of my life, with out an explanation or warning (geee... this is what Sean and many others have done to me) and stole a gift that was given to me. I have repeatedly asked for it back but no reply. That's what hurts the most. Not getting something I loaned to someone back. I could care less if I ever see the person again, I'm used to people not sticking around. It's the fact that a gift that was given to ME by someone I love deeply was stolen. And I need that back. 

There are other things that have occurred that makes me happy I'm just keeping to myself. I don't need certain types of people in my life. And it seems as if the worst kind of people are the ones I seem to attract. Lucky me.

The dating world also has had it's disappointments. I seem to ALWAYS attract the bums. It's as if “god” has a special kind of plan set out for me. Don't only take in animals people don't want but also take in people NOBODY wants. I did not sign up for this shit! 

As much as a part of me kind of misses having someone a bigger part of me is happy I don't. I see what a relationship does to people and I can't imagine making others feel the way I've been made to feel. I've shut down emotionally to keep myself from suffering. I don't ever want to be made to feel as worthless, as small, as insignificant, as unloved, as unappreciated, as forgotten and as used as I've been made to feel. The right thing for me is to be alone. Others would argue that it's not “normal” or “right”. Well to be fair I'm not normal or right. So it all makes sense. 

Even with knowing all that I still get lonely. I look at my phone trying to see if there's one person I could reach out to and finding out there isn't just makes me really disappointed.

I've given up on people (for the most part) but I refuse to give up on myself.