I can't wait to end 2011

2011 is coming to an end. I can honestly say this year has been a year filled with happiness beyond explanation. The highest, greatest, most amazing happiness I have ever felt in my life. But it’s also been filled with more heartache, sadness, tears and suffering then ever before. It’s amazing how life can cram so much of two extremes in just the course of 12 months. Only in my life… ONLY in my life.    

There are days I’m filled with regret, then there are days that I reflect upon the months of joy I did have and smile from the memories I was able to create. The feelings of pure joy.

I’m not sure when I’ll fully move on and let go of things. My heart is still pretty broken and my faith in anything or anyone has been shot to hell. 

2012 is going to be my year. I’m going to (hopefully) do more traveling. And continue to meet new people. I want to travel to Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Pennsylvania, New York and if I’m really lucky… finally go to Louisiana. The place I hope to one day move to. Oh! And can’t forget my Vegas.

I’m gonna do more of what makes me happy. I’ve always been the one that cared too much about too many people and it’s gotten me into nothing more then an emotional rutt that I’ve been fighting to claw my way out of for the past 15 months. I’m doing ok… but I got a long way to go.

My gift is my curse. Not many people can relate because not many people carry the “totally self less” characteristic trait. But I am extremely self less. I have sacrificed MY happiness for way to many people, way to many times. I finally took a stand and stopped myself last year and decided that I couldn’t do it anymore. But I’m finding myself falling into that bad habit of giving, giving and GIVING and never getting anything back. Why can’t there be more people like me? 

It still bothers me, and it always has, that there are people that sit and complain about things over and over and over again for a year and instead of being pro-active and trying to fix the situation they just complain. Like complaining will somehow magically fix the problem. Um… no. That’s not gonna help at all. I’m so happy that person no longer is a part of my life. They got booted from my life and I haven’t looked back. I’m pretty sure this person is making everyone around them miserable and annoyed with their issues and lack of desire to actually change things. 

It’s so dreary out. It’s cold, windy and worst of all… raining. Ick… I loathe the rain. 

I can’t wait to leave 2011 behind me. If it was up to me I would erase it from my memory.

If only what they did in Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind could really be done. I would have run to get my memory erased back in May. 

It’s getting late and all I’m doing is rambling. I need sleep.

Night night!

Thnks fr th Mmrs

 ***I wrote some of this ON Thanksgiving BTW***

It's tough for me to sit here and just type away all the crap that's running through my mind. The past week has been nothing more then a blur. I have millions of things going on in my head and (as always) can't seem to focus on just one thing (damn you ADD!)
I'm gonna start with the obvious and go from there.

It's Thanksgiving! woo hoo! A day to celebrate and give thanks. This year I have so much to give thanks for. More then any other time in the past. I celebrated a pre-Thanksgiving party this past Sunday and had the most amazing people over sharing in the festivities. I wish I could thank each and every person that came, the way I would like to, but it's tough because even I can't put the way I feel and the amount of appreciation I sense into words.

So, I'm just going to go into story mode and maybe that will explain things a little better.
Many years ago (18 years, to be exact) my family moved away. After that no holiday or birthday was ever the same. I became very bitter and dreaded the holidays. I never looked forward to hearing about others joyous times with their family because I didn't have one. My "family" was gone. Far far away. In places that I could only travel to see one or 2 times a year, if I'm lucky. So the lonely, sad, depressing holidays came and went. Celebrated with just my mom and brother. A far cry from all the people that once surrounded me. I spent the last 18 years yearning for that feeling I once had. That sense of happiness that no amount of money could give me. That "family" feeling. And this past Sunday I looked around and was surrounded by my friends, my brothers friends and my mom. I had my family. This is my family. The one I hand picked. The people that mattered were here with me. I felt complete again. I felt happy and overjoyed.

People say that your mom, dad, brother, sister blah blah blah. Is your family. I beg to differ. My family are my friends. They are the people that I love with every fiber in my body and would gladly lay my life on the line for. They are the ones that know me right NOW. Not the 10 year old little girl that was left behind. They have seen me grow and become who I am today. Face my demons and come out a better person.

I would never trade what I have now for the "family" that moved away. Those people are strangers to me. They know nothing about me. They are just people from my past that I once knew. I have a whole new appreciation for my friends. They are who have proven themselves time and time again. I would be lost with out them. I could never give enough thanks to those that shared in making this past Thanksgiving memorable for me.
What I have now are pictures and memories to look back on. Something I will cherish until the day I die.

Besides the amazingly wonderful thanksgiving I had there are other things to report on. More personal things. Mostly stuff I think about but rarely ever mention.
It's been 6 months since things ended. I have more recently (as in the past 2 months or so) have really tried to push myself to let go and move on. I know I've made progress. I can see it and feel it. But there are days that I still feel really empty. Really sad and deeply miss him. I'm not sure if it's "him" I miss or the feeling of having someone there. Either way I miss it.
I've noticed a change in myself that shocks me. I've never been hurt to the point of being incapable of showing affection and being loving and vocal about it.... until now.

My dating life has not suffered whatsoever. But it's anything beyond just dating/messing around that scares the shit out of me. It's actually the thought of being with someone long term that sends me running for the hills. Have I really gotten to the point of being afraid of commitment? That's just not me. I've never EVER been afraid of it. I've always embraced it. I know some absolutely amazing guys that are worthy of nothing but the best. I feel like I'm so far from the best that even a cheating, drug addicted, alcoholic, obnoxious, bitch is better then me. Ok... maybe not "better" but more worthy. I guess in the dating department I've hit and emotional rock bottom and I need to figure out how to get out of it. Right now, I'm pretty much incapable of loving someone and totally unworthy of being loved.

I hope 2012 brings me good things. I hope it brings me the happiness I've been seeking. But this time, it doesn't snatch it away.

The Fray always knows how to put how I feel into words.

Ok... here's an update

I haven't updated this thing in a while. I always intend to but get side tracked.

There isn't much to report. Work seems to consume at least 70% of my life right now. I don't mind the stability though. I haven't had it in so  long so I have a whole new appreciation for it. It's tough to keep my social life going, but I make sure to keep in touch with my close friends.

Yesterday as I drove home I realized that I've finally accepted my "single" life. I can't really explain it. I've reached a point were I don't care. I'm not guarded at all when it comes to dating. In fact I'm very open and honest. I guess it's that I know that not everyone sticks around and that the ones that do are actually worth investing time, emotion and energy into. But the majority of people have a tendency of just coming and going as they please. The people that "come and go" will forever stay in the friend zone. They are totally unworthy of dating if they see it fit to check in every 2 months at their leisure. Those are the people that would check out of a relationship with out even batting an eye lash. I know A LOT of guys like this.

I think I need to actually be friends with someone before going ahead and dating them. Not like BEST FRIENDS, but you know someone that I hang out with, talk to regularly and actually trust. Not people that I make out with and have pay for shit. Nah, those are people that I would put under the "throw away category".

Yes, I have my own fucked up way of thinking.

I'm not interested in any (ONE) person right now. I know a lot of people, but none of them know me. It kinda sucks and it makes me feel lonely sometimes. There are days that I wish I had someone I could actually depend on. Not someone that is a "sheep" and follows what their friend does as an example. Or someone that judges me and tells me to change personality traits just because they don't like it. Or someone that is too busy trying to impress his "best friend" and fix up her fucked up life just because he's "that type of friend".

These are people that need help finding out who they are before trying to be with someone. Obviously they haven't accepted themselves so there is no way they can accept another person.

I hate people pleasers.

I guess personal growth comes with time and experience. I can say I know I'm far more advanced in that department then the majority of people I know. I see a lot of people trying to prove themselves, to be what everyone else wants them to be. Or what they think everyone else wants them to be. If there is anything I have learned in my 28 years of life, never ever ever EVER do something for someone else that won't make you happy in the end. Take it from someone that uprooted their life to please a "family" that never even loved them. A "family" that saw it fit to move away and not even give a shit about the aftereffects.

Thankfully I kicked them all out of my life and am FINALLY happy. I do things only to please myself and I don't regret it at all. The last 5 years have been about my happiness. I think a lot of people can learn from me.

Ok well enough about my amazing self :D I'm gonna quickly ramble about Thanksgiving. I'm excited about it but not as much as I expected to be. We're having it this Sunday to avoid having to deal with all the crap of people seeing their family on Thursday. So it's a Thanksgiving before Thanksgiving... I guess you can say. I can't wait to see everyone.
The following week I'm going to Atlantic City! I can't wait to go!!! I'm not going to be a fool and bring stuff home for people. I'm going to go and spend the money I save up all on me! me! me! meeee!!!

Christmas is coming and thankfully I'll be single (I PLAN ON IT!) so that's like $300 I can put towards something else (like something for ME!) I have a tendency of going all out on someone I'm with. That is a very bad idea. I don't recommend it. People... don't go all out on someone until they go all out on YOU. :D

Ok... I better end this. I need to go to work. Until next time....

More work & less play

My computer is still out of service so I'm typing this on a tiny little netbook named Whitey that is really semi-shitty but in need of some TLC.

Anyway, so updates updates updates... let me start with the new job. I started working in a location in North Haven (that shall remain nameless because people are nosy and what I do and do not do is no ones business. If you are supposed to know I would tell you, clearly you are not supposed to know. ) So I started last week and LOVE it. Got 4 week of training then I'm on my own. The training (on the computer) is supposed to take like 1.5 weeks. I started and finished in 4 days. There are 3 other people in my class and they are nowhere near as close to finishing. I'm a VERY fast learner and pick up on anything and everything. My perceptive skills are coming in useful once again. I found out the department they want to put me in. It's one of the harder areas were they never put people straight out of training into. But ME being ME have all the qualifications for it. Muahahahah! I take great pride in my skills. So, I'm eager to finally get out there.

Besides all that I have 4 little fuzz butts on their way to me as of the 1^st week of NOVEMBER!!! I can't wait! 2 girls and 2 boys. The girls are Noomi and Clementine. The boys I'm still torn on names but I'm leaning towards Monroe and Avalon. I am PRAYING that at least 2 are Patchworks. Callisto was a Patchwork and he was one of the greatest rats I have ever owned. 

Halloween is right around the corner and I'm so excited. Not sure on a custom yet so that kinda sucks :( but I'm excited because Halloween is my all time favorite holiday. Then is THANKSGIVING! And that means another Thanksgiving party! Wooo hooo! Last years was a total and complete blast and I know this year will be just as amazing.

The dating world. Been getting asked out a lot. Been turning each and every date request down. I'm just not interested in dating anyone. I want to be alone. I really am not up for getting hurt any more then I already have this year. Next year is another year and maybe by then I will be open to giving dating another chance but right now I just want to focus on me, my job, my pets and my friends. I don't need that worry about putting time into someone that will end up leaving me anyway. I would much rather be alone then set my hopes up so high only to be left disappointed.

Nothing else to report. Been keeping myself busy. Can't wait for this weekend!

Everyone have a great Halloween! 

 

Closure

This morning I went grocery shopping with my mother. I was walking around and that's when I saw Joe. Seans step-father. I ran up to him and gave him a hug. I was so happy to see him. I knew this conversation wouldn't end on a high note. But I asked about him and his wife. How they are doing. Then I asked about Sean. He explained to me that it was nothing I did. That Sean just isn't ready for the type of commitment it requires to be in a long term relationship. Sean isn't a 1 woman kinda guy. He needs to just date and not be tied down. I was his longest relationship. And he (Joe) is shocked that Sean lasted as long as he did with me. He said that Sean really did love me, but he's still only a kid. Sean never talks about me. Hes now focusing on work and just finished school. I ended up breaking down in tears a few times.

I finally got the closure I needed. I really needed to hear all that. Now I can take the information and move on. I still don't want to be with anyone. I just want to be alone. I feel like no one will ever be able to fill that void I still have in my heart. If anyone wants to be with me they will have an uphill battle ahead of them. And let's face it, no guy is willing to “fight” to be with anyone. All men want things the easy way. So that pretty much means I'm good to go in the alone department.

Fix a heart

My new meds didn't work. It really fucked me up. My P-Doc said that I need to get off of it and just take my regular med and work through my depression. The meds I've been on help a LOT but I still have my down days. Mostly when I think about everything. Or when I talk about it. I find myself getting really emotional and crying.

As much as I hate being alone sometimes, I know it's all for the best. Each day I know I'm getting one step closer to being ok. Yesterday I actually wondered what happiness felt like. I don't remember what it feels like. Very few people have been witness to me being “happy”. Between the months of January and April of this year were the happiest. I put so much stock in him. My future revolved around him. I thought I would never be with out him. Only to find out that he had no problem throwing our relationship away, along with me.

I'm terrified of getting involved with another person. Apparently I'm easy to throw away. I've been proven that time and time again. My own “family”, old friends and ex's find it incredibly easy to just walk away. The friends I have at the moment have proven themselves time and time again. I feel lucky to have only 2 family members, 3 best friends and 3 close friends to count on. That's it, 8 people. Many other people that have come in and out of my life were pretty much just “passer byes” I knew they wouldn't stay. So I, knowingly, invested nothing in them. What's the point? A bit of time here and there. Then when they walk away I feel like I haven't lost anything. It's the “safe” road. After everything I've endured I feel like being safe isn't only the right thing, but also the best thing for me.

I wish I knew when I will be ok again. When, if ever, I'll be ready to let someone in again. I don't see that happening for an extremely long time. But for some unknown reason guys keep asking me out. I have the boring one that I can't stand talking to. I keep making up excuses to not go out with him. The gay one that's really nice and I like talking to but am CONVINCED is gay. I'm not being anyones beard! And then the guy that's to busy to commit.

The next time one of them calls me I'm gonna tell them I'm emotionally unavailable. I seriously need to focus on myself.

Maybe next Christmas I'll have someone worth spending the holidays with.

What I would do if I won $1M & $5k for life!!

So recently I've seen tons and tons of commercials for Publishers clearing house. This go around it's 1 Million dollars and $5,000 a week for life. It got me thinking. What would I do if I won. I like to think about random crap sometimes. Especially when I'm going to bed, It helps me fall asleep. So I came up with a few things. They are in NO SPECIFIC ORDER. I wouldn't expect to be able to do everything right away. Just over time I guess.

1) Rebuild my car. Make it brand new. I'm emotionally attached to that car and want to keep it forever if I had the resources.

2) Buy 3 cars. A Smart car (his name will be Marty). A Fiat 500 (his name will be Tumor) and a 2000 Hyundai Tiburon. (his name will be Tibby). I have LOVED this model since I first laid eyes on it.

3)Buy a house for me, my pets, my cars.

4) Go on an Alaskan cruise with my mom, brother and 3 best friends (Jenn, Sarah & Dan).

 5) Make sure that the above listed people are taken care of.

6) Go clothes shopping.

7) Go shopping for my pets.

8) Adopt 3 cats that are in the most need of a home. (the old, sick and unwanted ones)

9) Take Jenn & Dan to Glee Live and meet the cast.

10) Go on a road trip to Maine and FINALLY see a Moose.

 11) Decorate my house with all Moose stuff.

I can honestly say that's the most I would do. With the rest of the money I would open up an animal shelter strictly for small animals. Oh! I would also make sure and change my name. I wouldn't want anyone I don't talk to trying to find me and beg for money. I'm mean enough to say no, but I don't want to risk the lives of my pets due to the mentally unstable.
All I need now is to actually HAVE the money. LOL!

One can only dream :)

Changes

Like I posted on my facebook, after 3 years of not eating meat I've decided to VERY SLOWLY go through the transition of going back to eating meat. It's something I've put a lot of thought into. At least months of on again and off again thinking. I don't crave it at all and wish it didn't have to come down to this decision but right now... I don't have a choice.

After the other night I knew I had to do something. I started to sweat like crazy. It was one of the coldest nights of the week. I couldn't seem to cool down. My hands started to shake so hard I couldn't control them. My breathing began to race. I started to get really dizzy when all of a sudden I blacked out. I didn't wake up until the next morning. I think my protein, blood pressure and sugar was very low. I had to thinking quick about what I had that day. I had not 1 trace of protein. Not an egg, not cheese, no fish. Nothing. I was so scared that I could have been in the car or out in public. Luckily the 4 times this has happened to me I was at home. So today I made the horrible decision to actually stop being a Vegetarian. Just 1 month shy of my 3 year mark. 

I feel like such a failure. Like I'm forfeiting all my beliefs. I love animals. They make me so happy. And the thought of one suffering for ME makes me so sad. All I can do is eat the “right” kind of meat. I know what I'm looking for so I'm not going to sit here and list it all but the transition I know won't be easy.

I will mostly be living meat free. If I have a choice of Sushi or Chicken I will pick the shrimp tempura roll any day of the week. I gotta admit I have missed the yummy Spanish cooked chicken I once loved and enjoyed. Thankfully my mom made my favorite today, baked chicken breast with white rice. I first looked at it and thought “I can't do this” then I reminded myself that this isn't forever, I can go back to being Veg whenever I want to. So I ate it. I honestly gotta say I really, really... REALLY missed that taste. But it's not something that I can't live without. I went 3 years with out it and I'm still alive and well. It just tastes really good with rice. I won't make a habit out of it though. 

Besides all that the only thing I gotta report on is October 7^th. This date has kept me on my toes for months. Thinking that after that date I'm going to get “the” text or “the” phone call. But nothing. And oddly enough, the day came and went and I didn't think twice about it. Didn't noticed it passed until the day after.

Since I wrote that very angry (unsent) letter to... “him”... I feel better. I mean a lot better. I let myself be angry, FEEL angry, express my anger. Something I've kept locked away for months. I never got closure and I had to create a ending to that chapter in my life.

I like to think that, he was a lesson I had to learn. He helped me see that I can be happy, that I can love and let someone in, that you don't need everything to have something. Sometimes you just need that one person that makes you feel at home, that can be your best friend while still being your lover. He made me a better person. 

I have faith that there is some amazing person out there. Someone that is strong, like me. Someone that will make me happy and won't give up. Someone that is compassionate, loyal, honest and giving. I dunno if I'll ever find this person but I know they're out there. I refuse to give up.

Pictures

I'm in the mood to write. I know that none of this will be in any sort of order, it's gonna be more like a giant cluster-fuck of miscellaneous thoughts. So... if you are reading this... brace yourself.

So I was rummaging through some old pictures. I found some of one of my birthdays. I'm assuming it was when I was probably 20 or so. I felt instantly very sad. I guess that year I had my birthday at my older half sisters house. I quickly put them away. But that sadness has stayed with me. It makes me think about all the birthdays, holidays and other important moments my “family” has missed. I'll never understand why everyone left. I stopped caring years ago. But there are times, very far and few in between, were I do question it.

I wonder if they knew all they were throwing away and the people that would be left behind and the effects it would have. Apparently not. I mean, I've brought a specific subject up to a couple people and they have said the very same thing. I brought up how my “family” have commented on how I've changed and how different I am and how I'm not the same person as who I was when they left. Well NO SHIT! You moved away when I was 11 years old! Last I checked you are not the same person at 28 as you were as a child. I have endured things in my life they will never know. I have done things they have missed out on. In reality they are more strangers to me then “family”. All they know about me is what I have told them and what they have seen. That's it. They don't know who I am or what I have endured to be were I am at. I made the decision to cut them out of my life. There are reasons that I won't bother posting on here, but I do have my reasons. 

 Today, right here right now I'm feeling really sad, really lonely and really hurt. I'm not going to name names but only one person knows what I am talking about. And that's only because I sent them a text about it. I feel like someone I really care about is kinda just living there lives and forgetting that I so much as exist. The phone calls have stopped and the text messages are very far and few in between. I'm almost afraid to text them because I'm convinced I'm going to bother them. So, like I told my friend, I'm gonna do what I do best, and that's keep to myself. If someone wants to see/talk to/hang out with me they have my number. But I absolutely refuse to reach out. 

 Tomorrow I'm due to work 13 hours straight. I'm not looking forward to it AT ALL. But lord knows I need to save up money for black Friday shopping, bus trip in December and Christmas shopping. I wonder who's going Black Friday shopping with us this year. Hmmm.... Last year was really fun. Crazy.... yet fun.

I still really wanna try to go to NYC in October.

Ooooo... October!!! It's almost that time of year again! Pumpkins and hoodies and cold cold fall nights. OMG I can't wait! I have always hated the summer heat and humidity but this summer seemed to have dragged on and on. It felt like it would never end. I wish it was October weather all year round.

The movie 50/50 is coming out tomorrow. I'm thinking I may need to go check it out on $5 JewsDay.

Nexxus died. That brings my fuzz butt count to 17. I'm starting to get really numb to them dieing. I love my rats, don't get me wrong. I've gotten to a point were I accept that they are going to die and there is nothing I can do but love them and give them the best life possible for as long as I have them. R.I.P you needy, loving, vocal, clingy momma's boy. I love you.

Next weekend I am determined to go to Lyman Orchards and buy apples! I'm gonna go and get some and make an apple pie. And I'm gonna enjoy the hell out of it. Nom Nom Nom Nom!

 Today I was thinking about what has recently changed about me. I've noticed something has and I'm pretty sure no one has noticed it but I have. I really noticed it right now. As I'm typing this out. What has changed about me you wonder, Something pretty big actually. It's my social interaction. Now, I'm a pretty social person (to an extent because I only associate with certain people) I like to include people and be included. I am no longer including people (ANYONE) in any plans I make. I don't make plans to go anywhere or do anything with anyone, at least very rarely. I don't plan on going to the movies with anyone or going to pick the apples with anyone. I just plan on going alone. It's easier that way. I don't set myself up for the disappointment of the “oh hey... I'm not going.” I would rather just do things alone then be told “I can't make it” or even worse, have that person not even have the common courtesy to so much as call/text. I've always had a nasty habit of putting far to much stock into people when to be honest, no one is worth it.

So, I'm gonna keep planning things alone and keep doing them alone.

I hope next week is better then this week. It should be, it'll be October!

1 year to the month

So it's been a year, to the month, since things really changed for me. I had so much happening last year all at once that no one ever knew about. I'm one of the few people that keeps my pain to myself. I like to kinda just deal with things by writing it out. I hate rambling about the same situation over and over again like talking will fix the problem. It doesn't. All it does is serve as a reminder. 

 I decided that I needed to pull away from all the things that brought me to my lowest point. I removed people from my life that I do not, in any way shape OR form regret removing. I with drew and pretty much had to relearn certain things. Like how to put MY needs first. I've been doing that and letting other people just deal with their issues on their own. I have a nasty tendency of caring WAY to much about other people. I can't imaging living the way I was last year. 

This past year has been filled with ups and downs. I found out what true happiness felt like, pure loneliness and pain beyond explanation. Normally these are things no one would want to endure. But I'm not like most people. I'll take the good with the bad any day. If I sheltered myself and avoided all sorts of pain what would I learn? Nothing. You can't gain anything if you're not willing to lose something. I have faith that I will be happy again. That I'll find that someone that makes everything I've endured worth the pain. I know that what I've gone through isn't more then I can handle. I'm the strongest person I know. Well... besides my mom that is.

Some key things I've learned:

What goes up, must come down.

I have 2 family members in my life. My mother and my brother. Every other “family” member is either dead or dead in my eyes (this excludes extended family like my cousins/uncles etc.)

I can count my best friends on one hand.

I can count my close friends on my other hand.

My pets will die. No matter how much I tell them to live forever.

Pumpkin Coffee is the legal form of crack.

The greatest thing is waking up snuggled up close to someone you care about.

The rain still sucks.

Snow is NOT the devil, but when it snows a LOT if sure feels like hell.

I still really don't like parties. Unless it's being thrown at my house. :)

Hugs & kisses are the best remedy for a super crappy day.

 October is nearly here and I can't wait for all the things that follow. I'm excited and happy. I feel really optimistic that this time next year I'll be better off then I am right now. I refuse to give up. Things will be better. I'm gonna have a great Halloween, a great Thanksgiving and a merry Christmas. Oh! And another wonderful New years. :) 

(oh and btw... I've been officially single for 4 months. Just wanted to throw that out there.) 

Current song that describes my mood:

Count bodies like sheep

I got a orange piece of paper left at the back door today. From the post office. It's a certified letter... from Sean. I dunno why anyone would need a huge ass envelope to put a necklace in but I'm just happy it was sent. I wasn't able to pick it up though. The paper says to pick it up tomorrow. So that's the first thing I'm doing tomorrow morning.
I have no idea why but I felt this overwhelming feeling of sadness. I had waited so long to get to this point. Now that I'm here I don't know were to go.

It's funny how I don't remember what comes next. I've been faced with heartache many times before, but not like this. I mean even when I was waiting (7 months) for Andy to come around I never felt like this. Maybe I did, but I've blocked it out. I guess I just block these things from my memory in an effort to move on. It's worked in the past. Why can't I do it now?!

Probably because I haven't moved on. This is the longest I've gone with out so much as being truly interested in another person. I've had other people interested in me. But it was never mutual. I was honest from the start. Letting them know I just can't do it. I don't wanna date or be in a relationship. I want to be alone (to suffer alone is more like it) and do whatever I want. Because lord knows no one can hold me back from doing what I want.

Needless to say, every one of them got emotionally invested and I just emotionally checked out.
So here I am, exactly were I asked to be. Alone. It's very bittersweet. I don't have anyone to care about and I don't have anyone to care about me. I just gotta do the things I like to do no matter what. I am looking forward to slaughtering a pumpkin, spilling his guts all over the place and carving a face. I haven't done that in YEARS and am eager to do it. I also want to make apple pies from scratch. One for people... one for fuzz butts. Oh my babies LOVE apples! I wanna go on a hayride so badly. I've never done it and it looks like so much fun. I won't let my solitude define me, I will make it empower me. It's all a reminder that there are no garentees in life and to never give up.

Now that I have rambled non-stop I'm going to go and enjoy Season 3 Episode 1 of VAMPIRE DIARIES!!! I can't wait to see Damon in all his super hot and sexiness. Here is my (other, besides Eric Northman from True blood) dream man:

Last but not least I just feel really happy that I'm not the only person in the world that feels THIS way:

I deserve the best

Like I posted about last time, I packed Seans stuff in a box and have been meaning to bring it to his house (when I know no one is there) and drop it off. All I want back is the necklace that I left by accident.
I feel that by holding onto those items I'm holding onto him. It's been 3.5 months. He's not coming back. Even if he does I've reached a point that I don't want him back. I thought it would take me longer to get here. To let him go and let the "dream" of our storybook ending go.

Next month he graduates and that's when he would be open to getting back together. When school is done and over with and it's one big weight off his shoulders. But I don't want him back. I don't want anyone that turns tail and runs at the sight of stress. That will only be with me if it's convenient for them. Relationships aren't meant to be easy, they are meant to challenge you and make you a better person. If it was easy, it wouldn't be worth it.

I'm the only person that has ever fought to hold onto a relationship. The guys I end up dating pretty much just shrug their shoulders and don't care. It's a pretty good indication of their incredibly crappy personality. I can honestly say I don't care for any person I've dated in the past. They were too weak and not worth the time of day and especially the emotion I invested in their meaningless existence. I can't believe how much I've put into some people only to get nothing in return. It's one of those things you try not to think about, but when you do you feel like a piece of shit.

I deserve the best. And I feel like up until now all I've gotten is the "Clarence items", the "remnants", the "better then nothing" guys. And yeah, that does include Sean.

All I can say is they are not my problem anymore. If they are someone elses problem that person can deal with their lack of motivation, ADD, ED (yes, I just said ED!) possessiveness, insecurities, inability to prioritize, crappy time management, disgusting eating habits, boring personalities and a mess of other things I can't even remember right now.

WOW! after writing that last paragraph I feel so much better! I should consider these guys not being with me anymore as a blessing.

Goodbye my lover, Goodbye my friend

Today I decided that it was time for me to send back Seans things. I got a box from work, dug up all his items and put them in the box. As I pulled things out one by one I couldn't hold back the tears. I clenched onto his yellow shirt with both hands thinking to myself "I don't wanna give it back! I don't wanna!" it still smelled just like him. After all these months. I squeezed his hoodie close and just snuggled up to it. Remembering how much I loved it when he wore it. His other items I wrapped up and wrote a note requesting the return of my necklace. I'm going to be sending it out on Tuesday.

This is all that's left. After giving him his things back I will have nothing. Other then bittersweet memories.
I never wanted it to end. I looked back at the pictures of him and I and just can't imagine anything ever going wrong. We were the perfect couple. We were happy. I was happy.

No matter what, I don't regret a single second of those 5 amazing months I spent with Sean. I never knew how much I could truly love someone until I met him.
But I have to let him go.

Buried myself alive on the inside

The month of August is coming to a close. I can't believe how fast this year is flying by. Feels like just yesterday I was ringing in the new year. Geesh, it's kinda depressing. Soon I'll be 30. I feel SO old. :(

I've made is 3 months. I have had ups and downs. Some days were definitely harder then others. I feel especially sad at the end of the month and on the 11th. I can't say I don't think about him. I do. But it's getting better. I'm re-learning how to live alone again. As much as I may not like being single the selection for men that are "my type" are so small that I might as well just stay single for as long as it takes to find someone great that will love me and accept me for ME.

I think that's what made Sean so great in my eyes. The fact that he did accept me for me. He never made me doubt myself or question anything. We accepted one another.
I fear that no one will ever take me for me. No matter how serious I am or how "lazy" I apparently am (I'll get back to that). It's a very lonely feeling. I feel lonely all the time. I can be in a room filled with people but I still feel lonely.
Or as of recently I've been made to feel like something is wrong with me. Like I need help fixing my personality. I need to "lighten up" or "relax". Well to bad. If you can't take me for me then you aren't worth associating with. I don't like being made to feel like just because I'm different it makes me less important or that I'm this horrible person.

I know I'm not a horrible person. I'm a great person. I'm loyal, honest, very giving, devoted, understanding and a bunch of other things. But I guess when people are judging me and telling me to (pretty much) change, they forget about all my good attributes and only focus on the (supposed) bad ones.
Onto the "lazy" comment. A friend (that shall remain nameless) had the audasity to call me lazy. Now, anyone that knows me, knows that is the farthest thing from the truth. (clearly that goes to show how little he knows me). The conversation went something like this:
he asked me why I had to be home early. I stated that I wanted to cook lunch and get things ready the day before. (such as; make my lunch, get clothes ready, take a shower, feed my pets etc). He then asked if I had time in the morning, I informed him that yes I do. I wake up at 9am and get ready. I leave the house between 10:15 and 10:30 so I can take my time getting to work, get my coffee and make any stops that I might need to make. He IMMEDIATELY jumped down my throat calling me lazy. That I can just do it in the morning and instead of doing it at night I can do it in the morning. By this point I was so emotionally exhausted that I just agreed with him. I agreed that I am lazy and that he's right. I (did just what my father told me to do) and shut up and just took it.

I decided to take my "lazy ass" and just lay low and keep to myself. Do what I have to do and just stay quiet. I'm keeping conversations with said person very very minimum and bare bones. Not getting into detail about anything. He really hurt me and my trust in him is EXTREMELY limited. I don't think it's fair that someone judge me just because I don't do what they think is right in their heads. I have NEVER done that to someone. Nor would I ever. I see things as, do what makes you happy, as long as it gets done. Do it.

Well... I'm gonna take my "lazy" self and take a shower so I can cuddle up in bed and watch Teen Mom. I can't wait to see tonights episode.

Friends Vs. Lovers

Today I made two realizations.
1. I'm holding onto the thought of Sean coming back because it's easier then letting go.
2. My friend and I (that I'm romantically interested in) could never be more then friends.

Both things make me incredibly sad. I'm holding onto the hope that someone will return all because the alternative is worse then the suffering. Deep down I KNOW Sean doesn't love me, I KNOW he has moved onto bigger better things, I KNOW that he's happier with out me in his life. But were does that leave me? If I accept that he's not coming back and move on what will I move on to? It's not like I'm going to win some great big prize, it's not like I'm going to find the meaning of life. What I'll have is nothing more then the feeling of emptiness and reality. And right now reality SUCKS! I know I need to get back in the swing of things and these weird work hour/days isn't helping any. (Tue-Sat 11am-7:30pm) I guess like anything else... it will take time.

I have a friend that I've started seeing differently. I mean I did like him but actually perusing something more then a friendship felt more like a concept then an actual possibility. The other day as I was sitting across from him I thought to myself "wow... I really want to let go of all this emotional shit with Sean because here's this great guy that I really like as more then a friend." I stopped and had to remind myself that HE'S MY FRIEND! I can't think of something so... messed up like that. So I brushed the thought away and continued with whatever conversation he and I were having.
Last night he decided it would be a good idea to lecture me about my job, that mind you... he knows NOTHING about. After listening to him I gave my two cents that he didn't appreciate and he promptly hung up the phone on me. I looked at my phone, shrugged my shoulders and went to bed.
Today we finally talked after I got out of work. I realized I can't talk to him about Sean OR my job. That brings our conversation topics down to the weather and sports. Both of which I don't care for. After we talked about last night and I heard him out when it came to pretty much everything and anything about my life that has absolutely nothing to do with him I came to the conclusion that we could never be more then friends. And the realization just brought me to tears. It made me feel so sad and wished that things were different. That he and I could see eye to eye. That we both weren't so bull headed and stubborn that he would shut the hell up and stop giving his fucking POV on everything and anything that comes his way. All I want is for someone to listen, not tell me what I should and shouldn't do. That's something that he could never be and I feel horrible. And wish things were different. I think about him and how days have passed since I last saw him and how happy I am when I am with him and talking to him is easy (sometimes) and how much he means to me, even after the short amount of time we've had to know each other. I just wish things weren't this way.

I'm angry at him and angry at myself because two broken people can't fix themselves let alone each other.

I'm getting way to emotional and crying WAY to hard so I'm going to end this on a note about food.
Why is it that when you don't expect something to come out good you make the least of it and it comes out amazing? For example, tonight I made mashed potatoes for me to take to work. all I did was cut up 1 potato and put it to boil. Well I dunno what I did different because that was the best mashed potatoes I've ever had. So... I ate it and made something else for work tomorrow. Next time... I'll make more.